Expert: Julie - 7/22/2009

Question
Me and my boyfriend went to school together and have known each other on and off since elementary school. We always had crushes on each other and ended up dating 5 years ago. We sort of had an on and off relationship for a couple of years because we are 22 now, so young when we got together and let me tell you, he didn't miss out on any "single guy" party or his youth being with me. We started to get more serious 3 years ago and I ended up moving in with him about a year and a half ago. We were doing really great and so we decided to buy a house. We have had the house since December and remodeled everything. This past weekend we were supposed to be fixing up the last of the updates since our final inspection is in a week, we some how and for some reason (i can't even remember) we were argueing so we went home and he left, he ended up drinking and we argued more over the phone. I told him if he wanted to go hang out with his dad and drink all day and night instead of fixing the house and being with me, to stay with his dad. Sure enough, he stayed with his dad and I haven't seen him since. I'm so depressed and heart broken about this but I go to school and work, and now am working on my house and living in my house alone, it is hard enough paying the bills and doing all that I do with him, so I am just screwed all the way around! Yesterday, I found out he was on his way to New York with his friend and would be back Friday, but he text me and said it wasn't my fault, it was both of ours and that he would help me fix the rest of the house Sunday if I bought the stuff ahead of time. I don't know what to do and I don't even know if he wants to get back together, but I'm questioning if I even want him back since he could just do this to me after all that we have been through together and all that I have done for him. What does this sound like to you? I have nobody to really talk to about this.

Answer
Wow not very mature of him to take off like that after one fight. And to leave for New york just like that when he had other responsibilities with you with the house.
I wouldn't do anything as of yet..you two need to have a talk and ask him what exactly it is that he wants. Tell him if he wants out, then you'll respect that. The reason I tell you to say it like that is cause then he'll feel like he has an option, instead of staying out of obligation and pulling more of this on you. Let him know you won't put up with it. Trust me if you do, expect more of this behaviour. Maybe he freaked out because you bought the house together and he got scared and thats why he ran off. Very cowardly.
But don't get upset or freak out or he will not react very well, and get defensive. Just tell him how you feel, and that you need to know if he's in this or not. If he's not you both need to figure out a plan regarding the house as you won't be able to afford it.

This will be a good time out for him while he's away to figure out what he wants. HE must really be confused to even just take off like that for that long, but he obviously has a reason. He wouldn't have done it if he was committed to this.

Wait til he gets back and have a talk, see what he says..hopefully by then he will have some answers for you.

Good luck

Julie