Expert: Julie - 7/17/2009

Question
My boyfriend and I of almost a year and a half have just broken up.  We had minor set backs in our relationship where we almost broke up before but then got back together a few days later.  He has had commitment issue all along and has cheated on me before.  It has been hard for me to gain my trust back so I have always been suspicious and always worried about how committed he was.  We both just graduated from college, and things were going great the first few months.  He is working at a camp over the summer as a counselor and in the past two weeks I haven't been hearing from him as much or seeing him.  I have kept asking him what was going on and he just kept saying nothing.  I know when he is not telling me the truth, and less and less he would talk to me and want to see me.  He told me he has been really busy and doesnt have time to talk, but I know he has been hanging out with other people from camp and texting them, which I found out because I looked at his phone while he was in the shower, just because I was so paranoid because he has already cheated on me, last summer and it started out like this has been going.  We hung out on Tuesday night at his house and things seemed very awkward, like he felt obligated to hangout and didn't really want to.

I mentioned that to him right before we went to bed and he said yea I did.  At that point I said to him " I only kept bugging you about what was wrong because I knew there was something and you wouldn't talk to me.  I feel like you were trying to distance yourself because you were too afraid to break up with me.  I can't do this anymore, after dating for a year and you are treating me like this."  So I slept in the other room that night, and in the morning I told him how are it is to break up with someone when you don't want to and still love them, and he said he didn't. He said this isn't what he wanted to happen he just felt that we were both stressed in that we both graduated and don't have careers yet..(the economy sucks right now).  He then said he still wants me in his life, he'll be there to help me through this.  

He then walked me out to my car, where his house is right on the camp, and was hugging me tightly until someone at camp drove by and backed off.  He then gave me a kiss on the cheek and I said I can't even get a kiss goodbye? And he waited until the person from camp was gone to do so. Which also made me suspicious about him talking to someone else at camp now. (don't know if I'm just being paranoid)

I have been a mess the past few days, I still love him very much (he still has not said he loves me either).  So I emailed him and told him I did this for him I felt like he didn't want this and that I still keep thinking we have we will get back together but if we are not then I want him to be completely honest with me for once on what happened.  I havent heard from him yet because he is out of town at a wedding.  

So my question is, if I don't hear from him what should I do.  I do still love him I don't know what his issue was if it was a commitment thing if he just really didn't see himself loving me or what? Which I addressed in the email.  I still do love him and don't know what I should do.  Just swallow in my grieving and don't talk to him anymore or what.  Thank you for your time.

Answer
It sounds like he's confused and to be honest, doesn't sound like he's been very honest with you either. You've tried to get the truth but it doesn't sound like he's ready to tell you either.
I think in this case the decision is yours though. You need to make a decision because he's not going to do it for you. To me it sounds like your not happy and you have suspicions (rightfully so, because he has cheated before), and this will probably continue on as long as you are allowing it, which is why its very important that you make that decision and to me the right decision is to step away from this relationship and take some space for yourself. Whatever you do..and I can't stress this enough ,is do not try to keep digging for information from him, or keep texting or calling. Leave it at that. It will push him away if you do that.
By accepting this behaviour you are also showing him he can do what he wants and you will just accept it with no consequences.
Thats why you need to put your foot down and do whats best for you right now.
Otherwise, this won't change for a long time, and even if he does come back, he will know he can always treat you like this..without respect because you allow it. Time to set up some boundaries and stick to it, or things with him will never change.

Good luck!

Julie