Expert: Julie - 7/21/2009

Question
I have a friend (male) who's totally taken by his ex.  When he asks me for advice about his ex, he refers to her as his girl, then only when I ask him to be more clear about whether he refers for his current date or his ex, after he confirms he meant his ex.  Now he stopped dating this girl he had and went back into full mode with his ex.  I mean, they totally behave like a fighting couple, but he refers to her as his ex.  He is in his late 20's, supposedly mature enough to have an understanding of what is happening.  Basically he says he loves her, but she is selfish, demanding and lives her life her own way.  Only that she doesn't want him shared, he is her toy, her possession.  I know he feels miserable, and very nervous lately.  He's not the same guy that I can recognize anymore.  She has taken his heart and mind.  Is there anything that you suggest I can advise to him or do, being his friend.  Apart, I myself have fallen in love with him the first time I saw him, but have always been friends with him, a ver good and patient one.  We are both very attractive, and I emotionally I cannot bear this trap, me with him, and him with her.  Please, lead me to some new ways I can help him and myself?

Answer
Well it does sound like a bad situation. Unfortunatly the only thing you can do is be there for him. If you try to make him see things for what they really are, he'll get defensive.
He needs to come to the conclusion that this situation is totally unhealthy for him, himself. He'll eventually get sick of it and have his breaking point and leave finally. But until then he sounds like he has his mind made up.

The one thing people in 'toxic' relationship situations hate is having someone tell them or make them see how bad it is. I am sure he sees it for himself, but is unwilling to do anything about it or let go.
The only way you can help him is to continue to be there for him unless its too hard for you to continue this friendship while he's still obsessing over her. But don't sympathize with him because really, he's made his own decision and he has to live with it for now. Just listen when he wants to talk but don't get too involved. Trust me, eventually he'll see it for himself.

Good luck