Expert: Julie - 7/12/2009

Question
Hi Julie,
I have almost the same problem as the man who asked you a question before about the girl who is a druggie.
However, in my case, it is my partner (he) who was a druggie before on heroin and canabis.

We've been together for almost three years now. Here, I am the one who is clean and he's still in recovery with medications after stop using. He lost his job a year ago and still working on to get a new job but never get one until now. He stops using since about 6/7 months ago(which what i believe?, but the mark is still there.

I have sacrificed most of my time for him and effort to be with him however he seems want to push me away. I told him soo many times about what we should do for the future, such as counsellings, rehab for him, change medications. This is due to our relationship starts falling apart; we fight at least once a week. But never happened, he seems ignoring what i said to him. I stood still. About a while ago, i told him that please not to play a fire in the gas.

Couple of times, i found needles in his jacket pockets. He told me those are old ones. Ok, fine. Then about 3 days ago, i found a gram bag but with bits of pieces of heroin. This time, I went very mad. I could not hack my patience anymore. I went to work, ignore him the whole day but i didnt receive any explanation from him about the gram bag.

He cooked for me as i was on the way home but i was still very angry. Until when we start to eat i passed him my potatoes but kept falling off from the table accidentally. He get angry and threw the potatoes to me. I gone mad and he's gone mad as well. He starts to push me everywhere in the house.
I kicked him out from the house and took the other house and car keys. As a result I have to catch a cab to work all the time. This time i told him i dont want him anymore although everybody knows I love him soo much. However, i feel stuck around him. All of his friends texted me asked what is going on and told me that he love me soo much.
But his attitude made me wants to leave him.

Now he have the keys to the house which i keep asking him to return it to me and take all of his belongings. He havent until now, no reply at all as well.
His parents has been trying to call me to ask how i am and what i want to do with the relationship, i usually say yes, but this time i said i dont know. Before, i was ready to marry him when he was in soo much good condition however it will always go up and down.

Now i am confuse and feel stuck with him because his family has giving me soo much including transport, accomodation (pay third of the rent for the house) and im working with his parents at a medical clinic.

Answer
This is a very unhealthy situation and I think its best you leave him. Don't ever stay with anyone to appease someone else, in this case, his parents.

If you go back to him, you will continue to undergo the same treatment and you will stay unhappy. Things will probably continue to get worse from there also. It sounds to me like you are sick of this situation anyway, so I think its time for you to move on. Get the locks changed and see if you can find another way to get to work without relying on anyone. I mean, when I left my ex addict, I relied on him for half the rent, food and rides to work. But I realized my sanity, peace and happiness were worth more so I broke up with him and scraped by and took the bus.. I hated it, but at least I had happiness and peace again. You will too, you just gotta find other alternatives for right now.

It doesn't sound like your ex is ready to get clean yet, as you are probably aware, coming clean off drugs is extremely hard for some people.

I think you just need to put your foot down right now and let him go. Plus, staying with someone whose using can get dangerous, and also you are helping to enable him as well.

Even if he comes begging you back and promises to change I can pretty much guarantee he won't change..he needs to be clean for a year at least, and attending meetings and doing everything he  can to stay clean and usually for an addict that means staying out of a relationship as well.

good luck

Julie