Expert: Julie - 8/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Julie, my ex now is starting to mesg me everyday or every second day letting me know about his work, he called me by the name when we were together he did call me, he also told me that he still loved me. but some time he also work the same place with me but different units, he mesged me to ask how my work and how my shift but never came to my unit or asked me out for coffee or catching up, and it lasts like that for nearly a month up to now. I felt so hurt and painful whenever I knew i worked the same place with him but couldn't see him or go out with him either. I also couldn't ask him to go out with me as you advised me before that I shouldn't ask him, and beside I was scare that if he says "no" when I ask him, I will for sure feel more hurt and damaged. Until yesterday, when I couldn't stand that painful feeling anymore, I told him that he didn't have to mesg me or let me know whenever he worked the same place with me anymore, I wished him all the best and said good bye. He was so suprised and asked me what did he say to upset me, and if he made me upset he was sorry to do it, and he also said that if i didn't want him to mesg me then he won't do it again. I feel so bad now, Julie. what does he really want by keep sending me mesg frequently but didn't show me any intention of catching up or reconcile? Should I let him know the reason why i want to stop contacting with him or just keeping quiet? Do you think that i should give up my hope for reconcile as it has been seven months now seen our break up? Thanks a lot for your time.

ANSWER: The reason he's keeping in touch with you is probably just simply because he wants to remain friends and nothing more. Theres no indication of him wanting to reconcile, not yet anyways. You've been doing the right thing so far but this is going to continue to be painful for you as long as you let him keep messaging you.
Yes be honest and tell him that you really can't be friends with him right now and its too hard and you need to focus on yourself and moving on.

You need to give up hope, it has been 7 months. MAYBE in the future theres a chance for reconcilation but as long as you have hope, you will not heal and you will not move on. What if you keep having hope and he never comes back? What if you have hope and you find out he finds someone else? This happened to me..I had hope for TWO years and he found someone else..what a waste of two years but that was my fault. And yes he was my friend during that entire time! Not every case is the same of course, but just an example. So him messaging you means nothing more than simply his just wanting to remain friends. Don't read anything into it. If he wanted to reconcile, he'd have let you know. Its not up to you to do anything about it, its up to him. Its up to you to let go..and move on. If the day comes he does want to reconcile and you still want him, then you can make your decision, but don't waste anymore of your time. You deserve a lot better than that.

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Julie,
I asked my ex today why does he keep mesg me and let me know whenever he works the same place with me, he replied to me that to have any chance that he could meet me or see me. I asked him why did he want to see me, he said that becos he feel happy whenver he saw me. and I asked him was that mean he wanted to catch up and he replied that he wanted to talk or chat or catch up with me. I felt so hurt, that means he doesn't want to reconcile with me at al, but just wanted to keep in touch only so I told him that I needed time to move on and its so hard for me to be his friend right now, I told him i was not upset or hate or angry with him at al, and I didn't want to hurt him also, I just needed time to focus on myself and when i already moved on and had my happiness, then that would be the time we could be friend again. He said that he understood and if i wanted to talk or chat with him I knew how to keep in touch. Did i do the right thing Julie? I just wonder if I let him keep sending me mesg and hanging out with him, then we will have the chance to reconcile? Did I cut my chance of reconciling by telling him stop contact me if he just want to catch up only? I come back to square one again, I felt so bad. The painful feeling is so horrible and I know it was my fault to keep myself in such a bad hurt. what can i do to stop the hurt and move on completely from him. Thanks a lot for your help.

ANSWER: Well the thing is by continuing to talk to him or allow him to contact you, you kept reading too much into it. I know its hard and most of us do this during a break up but sometimes the ex really does just want to be friends. And everytime we get our hopes up and hear yet again how they do not want to reconcile we go back to square one.

I can guarantee 100% that you did the right thing. Trust me on this one. You can't be friends with him right now. If he knows this is painful for you and he keeps messaging you then he is being selfish. He needs to respect you and you need to block him if he doesn't stop.

I see you are worried that by telling him you no longer want to be friends that it will cut off any chance of reconciliation. The answer is no.
Trust me on this..whether you are talking, or not talking if he eventually does want you back he will find a way to get you back! Even if you don't talk for say six months if he decides he wants you back, he will find you, nothing will stop him. But you can't stay being friends because your worried he'll move on. If he NEVER has intentions of getting back together with you, he won't whether you talk or not.
Usually theres a better chance of reconciliation when communication has stopped, it helps the other person miss you more, think about you more.
So don't worry about that. Focus on yourself. You are stuck in this cycle and its not good for you. You have to do whats best for you right now and you probably have figured out now that staying in touch is not doing you any good. And trust me, if you keep staying in touch you will keep feeling like this. the ONLY way to move on is to cut off contact.

I know you can do it. Even for myself I work with my ex, I have to see him everyday. Thats hard enough but you know what? I finally told him to stop emailing / texting and calling. He stopped. And I feel so much better even though I have to see him. So it is possible.
But you need to come to the decision of when enough is enough. If you really want to feel better, let him go. You are not by any means ruining any chance of reconciliation by doing this.

Good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Julie, my ex contacted me another time again, I asked if he wanted to reconcile by keeping contacting me, he said he would like that, but later he acted very cold toward me, I could feel it through his mesg, so I said good bye with him and he asked me why did I said good bye, was it for good? he invited me to have lunch with him, When we had lunch together, I told him that I did really love him but i couldn't handle his cold and hot attitude anymore so I want to end our relationship and asked him do not contact me so I could heal and moved on, after that the following days he became very nice to me, he invited me to give him the last chance to celebrate my birthday, I accepted and had lunch with him, we end up made love together ( so bad, isn't it? I don't know why I couldn't control myself when staying with him, I felt really bad after ward), after making love, we had lunch together, he became very distant and hard to understand, then when we parted way he asked me how many time I would said good bye for good? i asked him what did he want then, he replied that " it's up to you", then later he sent me a mesg said that "Darling, take care on the way home, thank you for letting me celebrate your bday with you", I replied to him that thank you for trying to spend time with me. Since then, two days passed by already but he has not measg me at all? I don't know why he acts like that, is this because i told him not contacting me anymore, or is he waiting for my decision? Julie, did i do any thing wrong by making love with him again? what should i do now? should i measg him or should i leave him so he can have time to think about our relationship? I worry that if i chase him right now I'll push him further away, but if i keep quiet and no contact he may think that I want to end our relationship for good? He said he loves me, but I actually can't feel his love. are there some thing wrong between us which pushing us further away? Thanks a lot for your time and your help Julie.

Answer
Well I never encourage someone to sleep with their ex because it just makes them feel worse afterwards. Of course it feels good at the time but afterwards when you part ways, it doesn't feel too good. But whats done is done. And the thing is, you keep telling him good bye but you are showing him you don't really mean it because everytime he messages you, you reply back..then tell him good bye again so he's not taking you seriously.
Sounds to me like he's really stringing you along. And your allowing it. Thats why you are unable to move on and this is why you still are grieving over him.

Thing is if you pursue him, you'll push him away. Your not even letting him have a chance to miss you or to even think about if he really wants to be with you again.

Most people have that fear that if they have no contact, they will lose that person for good. Not true. If you have no contact, you will be able to feel better and move on. And he will be able to miss you, and think about what it is he really wants. I can guarantee that if he really has no desire to go back to you, then he won't whether you keep in contact, or not.
If you do no contact and he really misses you and really does want to be with you again, then he will contact you and let you know. He won't just brush it off as you won't talk to him so he won't bother trying. Trust me, he will try. He will find a way to get you back. I've had exes I didn't talk to for months, changed my number etc and they found a way to contact me to let me know they wanted to work things out.
So you gotta consider doing what you need to do from here. Notice that nothings changed in the last few months with you being in contact, so why would anything change now? He pretty much has that guarantee in his head he can do whatever he wants because he figures you are just there waiting anyways.
you really gotta try doing something different (no contact) if you want to see any results IF you two are meant to be.

Good luck

Julie