Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/17/2009

Question
I was with my ex for almost two years. We moved in after being together about two or three months because of other circumstances. I am 25 and he is 31, he has a child that is 4 years old with an ex girlfriend. Now, our relationship had been great for about a year and a half but then came many stressors a few months ago. First he lost his job, we had a car crash and had no car for awhile and just many life things. In May, he went out with his friends and he did not come home that night. That was the first time he had done that and all night I was worried sick, I tracked his phone to see where he was and the area that it gave me showed that he was within .6 miles of the baby's mother's house and I checked the cell phone records and he made a call to her at 1am which he claimed was a mistake and he hung up right away. Now, the next day he came with his son and I chose to believe that he was with his friends that also live in that area according to him. However, ever since then I became obsessed with trying to find information about what was happening between them. After that night, every Friday since he spent the night at his grandmother's house (that is what he said,but sometimes I would call and she said that he was not there and he said he was with friends or other family). Anyway, this happened for 8 weeks in a row and then all of a sudden he just started coming home and we were strained but better. But right before that I got a hold of his ex and she told me that they had been sleeping together the entire time of our relationship and that she did not know about me. When I confronted him with this he said that she was lying and I believed him because some of the things she said did not add up. Then he got another job, and he was stressed from that but he was coming home and always being truthful. I felt we were back on track but I always felt that there was something going on with the ex, then I found out he had another phone and once I found it I found that he was texting back and forth with another ex but she said that they never hooked up or anything but he had all the numbers from exs. He deleted the numbers and we were back on track. Then he quit his job and just started leaving because he had things to do and it was really hard. Then I found flip flops in our car that he said were his friends but I think they were hers because he spent the night away once and came back the next day in flip flops himself saying he went to a water park with his son but he probably took her too. Then one night he brought his son over and said he would be back because he had to take care of something and we talked on the phone while he was doing that. then that night he never came back and I was tracking him the whole time. He was within the baby's mother's house and then an hour later he went to some restaurant and then back to the house and was there all night. Mind you that I was calling the whole time and he never answered. In the morning I took a cab to her house and waited and saw them come out together and he took her to her job and then I confronted him. He said that nothing happened and that it seemed messed up but that it wasn't and he did not sleep with her. But I looked at his phone and she had sent him a message saying that she didn't love him that she adored him and that she missed him which he claimed she does all the time because she is crazy but that she has her own boyfriend. So once again I said fine, but that same day a few hours later he said he was going to his grandmother's house with his son and instead when I tracked him he was at her house. He was there for a few hours. When he came home he just said that he wanted to spend time with his son. So I left it alone. Then the next week we spent the afternoon together but that morning I looked at his phone and saw that the baby's mother sent him messages saying that she was worried about him, if he was busy, calling him baby and saying that the son was in school but she was sent home from work. I never told him I saw it but we talked over lunch about if he wants to be with her he could just tell me and that if he loved her he should let me know and we can just break up but he said that he loves me and that he wants nothing from her. So after he left me and told me he was going to meet up with friends I tracked him and he went straight to her house and then they picked up their son a few hours later. that is when I called her number and told her that I was reporting the car stolen (it's under my name) unless he returns him and she just put him on the phone and I told him and he hung up on me. Then I called his phone and he said "fuck you and fuck your car" and hung up. then he did not speak to me until 12am when he answered and said we were over. After I called I saw that he just stayed hanging out with his son and her and then went back to her house that night.
Now he we have been apart a little over a week and he is suppose to move to another state for work (which I don't believe) and he says that he loves me but that it was too much and that he was not ready for a relationship and that he wants to take it slow and see what happens. We talk about once a day and have had lunch once but he just says that he loves me but we cannot be together because we have done so many negative things to each other the last few months and that we should take it easy and go back to dating like in the beginning of our relationship. I do not know what to do, because I still love him and want him and I haven't been able to sleep or eat or anything because I just think if he loves me why would he go and be with her and not want to be with me. even now I find myself waiting for him to call or to come and be with me. He says that he is going to come and then he leaves me waiting and never calls or answers when I call him 50 times. I don't know what to do, PLEASE HELP ME.

Answer
Dear Lost,
I know this is hard to belive right now at this moment, but count your blessings and tell him goodbye.  You should never have to worry about where your significant other is and always follow your gut instinct unless you have a history of being completely paranoid.  However, based on your email it appears that you gave him enough rope to basically hang himself and he did.  He doesn't want to be with you and probably doesn't want to be with her, but that really doesn't matter in the long run.  What does matter is that you don't trust him and you never will.  Once trust is broken it is extremely difficult to regain it.  You can try, but there is always that doubt in your mind which caused you to continue to act in a suspicious manner and your gut instinct proved to be right.  Now, I know it is difficult to let go.  I am the Queen of not being able to let things go, but I have learned that no matter how painful it is to let go ~ it really does get better when I allow myself to get better... meaning... I start to concentrate on my own life... I force myself to focus in on my own world and surroundings.  Very slowly I start to feel better and then one day I finally do wake up and think how much better I feel about myself, my life, and my future.  It is natural to be scared about what the future holds, but know that it holds better than this if you allow it to.  Stop calling him.... the only thing you are going to get from him if anything is a bunch of lies ~ he doesn't want to tell you the truth because in all honesty: he wants it over..... and the biggest question here is:  Why would you and why do you want him???? What does he bring to the table besides a warm body??? Concentrate and love you just enough to know that you deserve better than this......