Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/30/2009

Question
I met this man online just before I moved to the city I now live in.  It was just a cyber-sex thing to start with, and coincidental that we started talking.  The more we talked, the more his loneliness became apparent, and it was clear he wasn't there for the sex, but for the opportunity to talk and to "be" with someone.  I was bored and really just passing time.  But we got closer, and as I was getting ready to move, I made a trip to my new city and met him.  I was far more into long distance sex than an intimate relationship than him, but I let things happen.  When I moved, I stayed with him a while, then got an apt closer to my work.  He helped me find a house to buy, and I did that.  I was seeing someone else at the time, he lived an hour away, so it was easy.  But we got closer, and when I moved into my house, he stayed.  It was a gradual thing, I kept thinking he'd eventually move back to his house and I could have my life back.  But he hasn't, and it's been nearly a year.  The problem with just forcing him to leave is this.  He's older, somewhat disabled from the war and now unable to find a job.  His last 3 cars have broken down, he quit his last job several months ago (he had to walk 4 miles to work and back, and it barely paid enough for food and utilities).  He's been looking for work, but not been successful - besides the economy, he's really not in and employable class.  If I send him back to his home, he'll be sitting in a house that's paid off, but with no income, he couldn't keep the lights or water on.  He has no money at all anymore - spent what he had contributing to "here".  I live away from public transit, so he couldn't use that to get to a job.  So he has driven my car, and I think he thinks he's going to find a job here, stay here, and use my vehicle to get to and from work.  The trouble is, he wrecked my last car twice - once it was repaired (and he paid me for the deductible), 6 months later, he totaled it.  I now have a new one, and I hate to let him drive it.  But I feel stuck.  I have no interest in having sex with him (and haven't in months, although we sleep together).  He's depressed because no one will hire him, he's usually not feeling well - probably depression - so he does very little to help around here... I have a very good job and I'm able to pay expenses - he just got food stamps to "help", and he really is applying for every job he can find.  But no one is hiring him, here or at his own home area.  I feel like I fell into this, let it happen because I felt sorry for him, and now I feel even sorrier - if I move him out, he'll have nothing, no food and barely a shelter over his head.  But if he stays here, I'll eventually lose my mind.  I really am torn - I feel much compassion for his financial state, and I know I hurt his feelings in more ways than I can count, simply because I resent his presence.  But my compassion for his situation won't let me make that final break.  I keep looking for jobs for him by his home, but there really aren't any available.  I care for him, but I don't love him in the way I need to love someone I live with.  I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know what to do.  He's 64 and I'm 56.  He's "older" in his tastes and preferred life style, I'm younger in looks and outlook, fitness and tastes.  So besides the obvious age difference, there's the "style" difference that makes the gap even bigger.  I don't know that there's any solution, other than to let him go, and fight back the feeling that I've just sent someone to a life of homelessness and tragedy, or to fight back the resentment of living with someone when I just don't want to live with anyone.  Please help if you can.  Thanks.

Answer
Dear Katie,
As you know ~ I am brutally honest... So, here goes:

What were you thinking?  With that said... hind sight is 20/20.  Feeling sorry for someone is definitely not a reason to stay with him.  You aren't responsible for the quality of his life.  You did allow him to move in and play house, but now you are tired of it and his situation isn't a very attractive one.  So, here is my advice.  Since you are worried about him financially and obviously he has no other means to get help.... You state that you have a very good job... Save up a decent amount of money to pay for 3 - 6 months of expenses.... Give him the money, wish him well, tell him that you can't be with him any longer, apologize for not feeling the way that you wish you could feel for him, and let him go.  What he does from that point forward is really none of your concern, but do not play with his mind and/or emotions... let him go and you can then have your life back.  That will help to eliminate the guilt you feel for kicking him out, but 3 - 6 months of living expenses is CHEAP compared to a life of misery... isn't it??? Good Luck and I strongly suggest you don't allow someone to move in under those circumstances next time... pity and lonliness are not good reasons to play house.....