Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/6/2009

Question
I was dating this girl for almost 3 years, we spent ALOT of time with each other. things were great i thought she told me that she loved me beyond anything in this world and she cant live without etc.  up until a few months ago we started to get into more fights than i wanted, i couldnt understand why things were going sour.  At some point she kept on telling me that she needed her space, i had hard time giving it to her but i tried really hard. those time when she needed space, she just ended up calling me after a day crying her heart out saying that she missed me so much and her life would be nothing without me.  This happened a few times.  Eventually i really tried to stop the fights and one night when i found myself getting angry i decided to walk away from her to prevent a fight, but that didnt work, by the time i calmed down and came back she was already adamant about leaving me again.  this time it was for real, she hasnt called me again like in the past, everytime we talk its either flat or shes telling me something hatelful and painful so i leave her alone.  she keeps telling me that she just wants to be single and live her life.  i dont know how to move on because i still love her regardless of what happened. somedays are easy, somedays are super super hard. i find myself wanting to call her, i drive by her house hoping to catch a glimpse of her. i want to move on i really do, but my heart isnt in it because its still with her.  how do i accept that the person i shared my life with, someone who i introduced to my family and was accepted.  how do i ignore all the loving thigns she said to me, all the i love yous and all the reassuring things she told me, that we would get married and have kids etc....

please help me i feel like i cant move on with my own life

Answer
Dear Nikolas,
You are going through a really hard time and will be for a long time.  First, you have to accept that it is over ~ because you went back and forth so many times it is going to be hard for you to do that.  You are going to wonder every day if this is the day she is coming back.  The problem here is that if you take her back when/if she comes back you are going to continue to go through this unless you break the cycle... meaning to do something different like not take her back.  The pain is going to continue and you won't have any time or reason to heal unless you make the decision that it is over.  Once you do that the pain will be there, but you will start to heal.  You need to focus in on your life, what you want to do, and get busy doing it.  The saddest thing in the world is to love someone who doesn't want to be with us.  Whatever the reason is for her wanting to be single and live her life doesn't really matter, but that is what she is doing and it seems that when things don't go great for her or she is sad she wants to come back... that makes you a security blanket... not a man she is head over heels in love with.  Whatever you do try to not call her, text her, email, or see her.  Give yourself a little bit of time every day to think about her and miss her, but then you must get busy with your own life.  Take this time to focus on you and what you want.  Stop worrying about her... Keep busy... Do good things for yourself... It gets a little little little bit easier every day... The pain starts to subside..... But, you can't begin to heal until you stop wishing that she would come back and realize that what the 2 of you are doing ~ isn't healthy.  I wish you the best....