Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/7/2009

Question
Hi Erica,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years (I'm 28, he's 26)and we have lived together for a bit over 2. I can't remember the last time we (well, maybe more accurately, me) were happy. To make a very long story short, he has a bit of an alcohol and drug abuse problem. I moved out in November of 2007 because of it. Just this past Monday, he slept on the porch sitting in a chair because he was so drunk, high, whatever. I also found pills and finally snapped again. Meanwhile, I was "done" before this - I went looking for another place and am moving out this Sunday.

For some reason, I feel guilty and don't know how to really tell him that I'm over it - I alluded to it on Monday, told him he has problems he needs to deal with and he just constantly tells me he loves me and needs me to stand by him, not leave again and so on. However, I am SICK of sticking around - I am never happy, I am tired of paying the bills and not doing anything fun. I don't know that even eliminating the drugs/alcohol from his life would make me like him as I'm so mentally out of this I don't even want to try - we have tried couples therapy and all this, but is it selfish to just move out and move on? I feel GUILTY for saying I love you back because I know I don't. I care about him as a person, but I don't love him and don't see a future together. He has not had a drink since then, but is this the life I want? No! So no matter what I say/do he's going to feel betrayed and that just makes me feel even worse and I don't think I should feel bad.

We have 2 dogs (one is mine that I had prior to our relationship and one - a pit bull - his friend found and gave to him a couple years ago, but I take care of them both as I love them both) and that's the only thing I'm worried about - I can't bring both dogs with me to my new place (unfortunately, the fact it's a pit bull scares most people), but I don't want the dog to suffer. Also, I am moving out Sunday and he doesn't know it - how can I just break the news? He's going to be at work (this is how I did it the last time), but I want him to know this time that no matter what, I'm not coming back - before, I think I was believing he had gotten help, etc., but now I've realized that I really don't love him or want to make it work - I want a real man who takes me places and leads an active life. I just wish I didn't feel "bad" for leaving someone who claims to love me so much, but I just want to move on and have fun. What, if anything, do I tell him? I'm worried he's going to come home for lunch and I'll be in the process of moving out?!? I feel like a coward, but think he would make my life so much more miserable knowing I want to break up and asking him to move out would never happen fast enough for me since he relies on his parents for paying some of his bills and doesn't make enough or save any of his money to support himself let alone move out.

Sorry this is so long - the thought of being in my own place excites me and I can't wait to start dating again.  I just don't know how to clue him in and just move on without this constant guilt feeling. I know it will be better once it's over; it's just getting to that point. Do I go and have lunch with him after things are moved out? I fear him coming home in the middle of it all. Thanks for any advice!!

Answer
Dear Jill,
I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.  However, you need to take care of you.  You cannot be responsible for the quality of his life.  He has made the choices and continues to make bad choices regarding his own life.  Guilt is normal, sadness is normal, anger is normal, etc.  If you didn't feel these emotions that would be abnormal.  You have spent a lot of time trying to make this work and sometimes we just throw our hands up and give up.  We also care just enough about ourselves to make a move.  As hard as it is you know it is what you need to do.  You deserve to have a "normal" life free from taking of him and some time to take care of you.  Depending on how you think he will react is really the question as to how to "break the news" to him.  If you think that you will be in any sort of physical danger than I wouldn't tell him and I would make sure you have someone there with you while you are moving out.  If you don't believe that he will get physical then I would tell him the truth, but I would do it the day you are moving out so that nothing happens to you or your items.  I still believe that it would be best to have someone there with you because it isn't easy.  I would not have contact with him for awhile after you leave because he needs time to absorb all of this and hopefully make some changes for himself.  If you stay in his life then you are enabling him.  It wouldn't hurt to attend an Al-Anon meeting as well.  It is hard to deal with a breakup period... add an addiciton problem to the mix and you have a whirlwind of emotions.  Rest assured that you are doing the right thing for you and it is time for you to take care of you.  Good Luck and Congratulations on being strong enough to make the move.  Warmest Wishes, Erica