Expert: Julie - 8/7/2009

Question
Hi Julie,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years (I'm 28, he's 26)and we have lived together for a bit over 2. I can't remember the last time we (well, maybe more accurately, me) were happy. To make a very long story short, he has a bit of an alcohol and drug abuse problem. I moved out in November of 2007 because of it. Just this past Monday, he slept on the porch sitting in a chair because he was so drunk, high, whatever. I also found pills and finally snapped again. Meanwhile, I was "done" before this - I went looking for another place and am moving out this Sunday.

For some reason, I feel guilty and don't know how to really tell him that I'm over it - I alluded to it on Monday, told him he has problems he needs to deal with and he just constantly tells me he loves me and needs me to stand by him, not leave again and so on. However, I am SICK of sticking around - I am never happy, I am tired of paying the bills and not doing anything fun. I don't know that even eliminating the drugs/alcohol from his life would make me like him as I'm so mentally out of this I don't even want to try - we have tried couples therapy and all this, but is it selfish to just move out and move on? I feel GUILTY for saying I love you back because I know I don't. I care about him as a person, but I don't love him and don't see a future together. He has not had a drink since then, but is this the life I want? No! So no matter what I say/do he's going to feel betrayed and that just makes me feel even worse and I don't think I should feel bad.

We have 2 dogs (one is mine that I had prior to our relationship and one - a pit bull - his friend found and gave to him a couple years ago, but I take care of them both as I love them both) and that's the only thing I'm worried about - I can't bring both dogs with me to my new place (unfortunately, the fact it's a pit bull scares most people), but I don't want the dog to suffer. Also, I am moving out Sunday and he doesn't know it - how can I just break the news? He's going to be at work (this is how I did it the last time), but I want him to know this time that no matter what, I'm not coming back - before, I think I was believing he had gotten help, etc., but now I've realized that I really don't love him or want to make it work - I want a real man who takes me places and leads an active life. I just wish I didn't feel "bad" for leaving someone who claims to love me so much, but I just want to move on and have fun. What, if anything, do I tell him? I'm worried he's going to come home for lunch and I'll be in the process of moving out?!? I feel like a coward, but think he would make my life so much more miserable knowing I want to break up and asking him to move out would never happen fast enough for me since he relies on his parents for paying some of his bills and doesn't make enough or save any of his money to support himself let alone move out.

Sorry this is so long - the thought of being in my own place excites me and I can't wait to start dating again.  I just don't know how to clue him in and just move on without this constant guilt feeling. I know it will be better once it's over; it's just getting to that point. Do I go and have lunch with him after things are moved out? I fear him coming home in the middle of it all. Thanks for any advice!!

Answer
You are doing the absolute right thing by leaving him. Don't feel guilty, you shouldn't feel guilty. You've given him many chances and you've stuck by his side for as long as you could through his addictions but you have reached your breaking point and don't no one can blame you.  Of course he will lay a guilt trip but don't be swayed by it. It would take him a long time to make any serious changes anyways as this sort of problem just doesn't go away that fast.

you need to do this as soon as you possibly can, and if you feel he will try to stop you, then do it when you know he won't be around.
Is there any way you can find alternative homes for the dogs? Like a friend or someone you trust?

You need to really do what is best for you, don't worry about him. After you move out then find a public place you can both meet so you can explain to him that you just can't do this anymore, that you care about him but you need to think of yourself right now and your happiness and you need to move on. If he gets upset or angry or tries to manipulate you, don't fall for it. Don't be swayed.
Just remember you can't stay with someone who does not fulfill you just because they can't handle it. Don't waste anymore of your time. Maybe this will help him see that he needs help once and for all, it may or it may not but thats not your problem. You deserve to be happy and if leaving him will make you happy, don't allow anything to hold you back.

Good luck

Julie