Expert: Julie - 8/22/2009

Question
We enjoyed a very intense, satisfying, and most of all loving relationship, secure
in our mutual trust.  Quite seriously out of the blue, he suddenly dropped off the
radar one weekend in July--a weekend that we had special plans.  This was totally
unlike him to the point where I called the police and area hospitals to see what
might have happened to him.  Well, finally he surfaced with a phone call Sunday
night.  His excuse, which I didn't think was an excuse at all, was that he'd had
some kind of breakdown over the weekend and had spent it curled up on his couch
drunk--overwhelmed by his own insecurities, he said.

Now I'm not one for alcohol, and I had recently told him that he had to stay on the
wagon for the good of our relationship (before he met me he'd had some issues, but
had been clean ever since).  At first I thought about excusing this one instance,
and then I realized that weekends like the one just passed could become a regular
feature of our relationship.  I still loved him, of course, but I couldn't be in a
relationship with him.

It was at that point that he shut me out and decided to pretend I didn't exist.  He
hung up on me and turned off his phone.  He deleted any and all links to me (like
Facebook friends) online.  He'd pushed me away as far as he could, and I didn't know
why.  After all, I was still someone who cared about him--a precious commodity in
this instance.  Why wouldn't he be amenable to talking it out?

Finally last night I gathered my courage and called him.  I didn't understand what
had happened, and I was genuinely concerned about how he was.  This time, not only
couldn't he own up to what had happened, he'd written a number of fictions in his
mind to turn me into the villain.  He hung up, of course.

Obviously I'm not going to be able to look into his mind and see what lies there.
My question is how does love turn to hate so quickly?  Especially since I wasn't the
one who had done anything irregular--that weekend he disappeared was sheer terror
for me.  Is there a fast track to purging this whole disaster from my mind, or do I
just have to let time take its course?  What really makes me mad is how I've been
treated by him when so far as I'm aware I did nothing wrong.  What does this
indicate?

Thank you!

Answer
Well unfortunatly the best way to get over this is no contact if you want it to be faster than if you stay in touch and try to figure out why he acted like this.

You didnt do anything wrong. whatever is going on is his issue and his alone. I'm sure he doesn't hate you but probably just is doing what HE feels is best which is to let you go and push you away and perhaps he thinks if you hate him, it'll be easier.

Whatever is going on I'm sure has a lot to do with his drinking and its something he needs to deal with and hopefully get help with, but not a situation that would've been good for you to be a part of or you'd be expecting a lot more of this behaviour. Be glad he set you free. In the meantime just try to move on, it takes time to get over, but to make it easier for yourself its best to try not to wonder and to let it go.

Good luck

Julie