Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/4/2009

Question
I met, what I thought the man of my dreams, through a friend. He and I talked long distance on the phone for a few months (maybe 2). He flew down to visit me and within a month he moved to live with me. When he first arrived everything was great. We were engaged after a few months. I was also the only one working, I was going to school full time and trying to raise my children. I was under a huge amount of stress and he was in a rush to get married. I felt very pressured. Then my depression creeps it's evil head again. This causing me to push him away. He moved out a few months later and lived with his sister. (The friend who introduced us). For several months he came over and helped me with chores etc.."However We were not sexually active at this time. Last October his sister moved away. He came to me and asked me if I wanted him to stay here and work things out or move back home. I of course asked him to stay.

For 7 months after he moved into his apartment he was coming over. I was still dealing with my depression but trying to flirt with him or wear things to get his attention and NOTHING! I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he told me no in March of this year. By April he had stopped coming over all together. So I started going to his place. I still kept asking him if he was seeing someone else because he wasn't making any type of effort to get close to me. Once while leaving his apartment my phone alerted me that I had a message. The message was from him intended for one of his friends asking for them to call him back because something crazy had just happened. I called him back and asked him what happened..he said "nothing, just you stopping by." I asked "what's so crazy about your girlfriend stopping by?" He said "nothing..well, just that I have been talking to someone." I was crazy mad! I didn't talk to him for a few weeks. So, In May he agreed to take care of the pets while I was out of town on a business trip. I later found out he used her car to come over to my house. I was not very happy about it of course. I had gone over to his apartment again and asked him if he has had sex with her. He told me no. A few weeks later I found out he had.

In June, I laid it all out on the line and told him that I wanted he and I to stay together despite him seeing this other girl while he and I were still technically together. He said that in his mind we broke up a year ago and it was too late. We of course fought about it, then we had sex. I told him that he needed to tell her because it wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to me. The following week...same thing, we fought then had sex. He said he loved me but he wasn't in love with me anymore. But that he still loved me and cared about me and he just needed to work things out in his head. The next day I went over, we fought, he was very distant from me. Said she had just left and she knew something happened because I turned his phone off the night before when we were fighting, (which I didn't) and he didn't return her calls until 3:30am after I left. It was as if he blamed me for his not knowing what he wants or who he wants. We fought, I broke some things. (Which I replaced the very next day). I kept telling him he needed to tell her what happened and be honest with her. She kept calling while we were fighting, I ended up taking his phone away from him and telling this girl that he and I have been having sex after exchanging a few other words with her. I told her some out of anger but also because if it were me, Id want to know! By this time he says the have only been dating for a month during which he cheated on her with me. Technically he cheated on me first with her but he tells that he is falling in love with her just as she drives up. They go inside and I leave. I probably should have stayed but didn't care to fight anymore.
The next day he ends our relationship and our friendship over text message and stays with her. Last month I found out I was pregnant. I called him, told him that I was in therapy for my depression and that I was pregnant. Asked him to come to my therapy session so that I can have the closure I need to move on. NO REPLY! This past week I miscarried. Called him and left another message for him telling him. Even told him I was sorry for it as I believe it is my fault. NO REPLY!
I am glad he is happy even after all of this. I have even told him this and that I hope things work out for him. I don't want anything from him other than closure. Why won't he give that to me?

Answer
Dear Dee Dee,
I am sorry that you are in so much pain. However, you have to find some way within yourself to move on. This guy doesn't want to be with you. You won't get any more closure than that. You may eventually get an excuse if he wants to hook up but you will not get the type of relationship
that you want from him. Stay in therapy and start living your own life again. You need to start feeling good about you because if you
felt better about yourself you wouldn't have such a hard time with this. You would realize that you need and should have more from someone. We must love and respect ourselves before anyone will do the same. You are trying anything and everything to make someone care for you that doesn't
He cares about himself and only himself. When you are in a good relationship it doesn't sound anything like what you described. First and foremost you need to get healthier and then you will not allow this type of behavior. You will see I promise. Good luck and
care about yourself just enough to have faith.