Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/4/2009

Question
I am 33 years old, my ex partner was 46 and we have been both married and divorced without any kids. We met through a mutual friend who introduced us via online.  We are both in different countries. We physically met by him flying to my country in July. Before this, we have known each other for a month on line. We clicked on line and we had this connection from the start. We met face to face for one weekend, had a wonderful time and he told me he loved me. I felt the same towards him but did not say how I really felt till a week later.  He flew me to another country while he was there for work.  We had a wonderful time, open heart, open mind, we were both so happy. Then I visited his own country where he is residing and was told to get the approval of two of his best friends female and male.
Female nickname Bugs and I became friends on line and she seemed very sweet at the start. When I met her, something in me just didn't seem right, a gut feeling, an uneasiness when I looked into her eyes. Then one sms from her changed everything how he has reacted towards me. He put her in the middle of our new relationship. He allowed someone to interfere. She told him for his eyes only that I am not good enough for him and high maintenance. He didn't defend my honour or to tell her to back off since this is his life and not hers.  I could not understand what she has against me, because if that is my male friend and I see him happy I will not say anything about the gal he is dating.
I asked him is there any of your friends that u have slept with and still are your friends. He said yes but never mentioned bugs name. When I left the country, I was still hurt because he never was on my side. He just said she is looking after his interest as he does not want to get hurt. I said what about my feelings, at this stage, I have also fallen in love.

I returned to my country, we continued our long distant relationship but I noticed, he was becoming more distant. He was no longer open as He used to be. So, I asked a direct question this time. Have you ever slept with bugs? Then he answered yes. I was gutted. He made me close to her and no wonder she is protecting her territory.  He also pays for her rent, her visa, her bills. He said he just helps out, but bugs never paid any of these back. Weird? I asked him since she is his best friend and for us to be friends to even though I did nothing to her but for her to judge me without even knowing me. She said that this relationship will not last therefore, no point in being friends with me. So, I said what did u say to that. He said nothing to defend me. All he said that I am not listening to her, I will see you in a week time in my country again. She sent me an email, being faked about it all how she thinks this relationship will work etc... I replied to say Thank you for not coming in between my relationship and hope to see her again in the near future.

He arrived 2 weeks ago for 8 days to be with me. He was so different. Not as close to me any more. He was distant somehow when I met him at the airport.

I could not trust him at this stage because when we were in his country, he used to show me all the text messages she was sending him. Now, he no longer does this. He hides it from me. So, I checked his sms and found out she sent him a text to asked if she was here in my country. He said yes and would she like a teddy bear.  So, when we were together I asked if He could get me a teddy bear which will remind me of him. His reply was NO!
So, I asked if she ever contacted him on this trip. He said no. I said please do not lie to me. He said no again.
I gave him at least 3 chances, asked the same question. The 4th time I said, look I know she contacted you, oh you mean an sms? Yeah I just said I am here with you in an angry tone. He lied in front of me 3x. That really broke my heart. He knows I hate liars. Then he returned to his country telling that don't worry about anything, he will see me again soon. BTW the final sexual encounter I had with him, was cold, there was no feeling in it. I felt that. Ever since the event of finding out about their sexual history, I have been having nightmares, and less sleep.

Then 5 days ago, I just blew up. I didn't sleep. I sent him a text to say, Look I am not one of your ex girl friends who cheated and lied to you. I have morals and conscience. To make the relationship work is to have honesty and trust especially for a long distant relationship. What is your value in life?  This was at 4 am so I did not want to wake him.
I received a text 8 hours later to say, He has been 100aithful with me and the honesty got him into more trouble than what its worth. He has come here to see me twice and does it not mean anything?  If  I think I cannot trust him, then lets call it quits now.
I responded of you lied to me 3x and broken that trust. At least when I lie I voluntarily tell the person the truth.
His reply, I cannot deal with these crap again, lets call it quits now. He didn't even call me to discuss this.
The next thing I know, He has changed his FB status to single. I tried calling him, no response. I sent him a text to confirm the status. In return, he just deleted me on his facebook friends and msn. No more follow ups.  
All I wanted was to discuss things even before all these went over the roof. But I had none of that.
I am heart broken, no sleep, not eating in the last 5 days, but yesterday I managed to sleep one hour and had a small meal. It hurts when someone says they love you and they act this way.
I just wished I did it differently and not sending him that text message.
I need your advice.

Answer
Dear Emy,
Why do you wish that you didn't send that text?? Because you think this man was going to change the way he treated you and suddenly feel these "feelings" for you??? Thank your lucky stars that this is over.  Look I know it hurts like hell when relationships end, but really hurt when we feel rejected.  The fact is... long distance relationships are extremely difficult to be in to begin with... without trust there is NOTHING!! His actions show that this female friend of his is way more important than he is letting you believe.  Whether they are just friends or what... who does what he does?? Pays her bills, rent, etc.  Are you kidding me?? and wouldn't buy you a teddy bear?? Regardless... he is definitely NOT the one for you... he has deleted you from all aspects of his life... but, please be happy and move on to someone new that will treat you wonderfully where there isn't "murkiness."  Someone who cares and loves you will not give you any reason to question their feelings or intentions and ANY grown man who needs their "friends" approval is.... quite frankly.... pathetic..... Take care of you... The pain does heal... just give it some time....