Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/29/2009

Question
I was with my ex( Mike) for 5 years.He is 37 I am 28. It was horrible. We were both using drugs he was always cheating & stealing from me and was very emotionally abusive. In 2005 i was pregnant with my son. I stopped using & was looking forward to being a mom. My son was born in 2006. To give u an idea of how shitty Mike was 2 me I was in labor for almost 3 days which finally ended in a C-section & he was there 4 none it. he wouldn't even bring my things to the hospital. A friend of ours finally did. All because he heard rumors (from girls he was sleeping with of course)that it wasn't his baby. The day I left the hospital i moved in with my mother. Our relationship continued in a way I would bring our son to his house a few times a week and we would spend time together but things got prgressively worse. He ended up doing 4 mos in jail for carrying a concealed weapon. He bought a samurai sword at a store and was walking home with it in the shopping bag and got busted jay walking. during that time I met my current boyfriend John, 32 and we began dating. I neverhad the courage to tell mike i had met someone else. when he got out and found out about us he lost his mind. Ive never been in a situation like this before. he would trick me into bringing our son to his house and when I would get there if i gave any indication that i didn't want to stay for any reason or if he thought I was going to see john he would trip out and steal my car & leave me there or if i wouldn't answer his calls when I would go to drop off our son he would steal my cell phone and take off saying if i didn't answer it i didn't need it. If i would try to have someone else drop my son off mike would take off or refuse to let my son stay. If anyone else came to pick him up mike would not let him go. There were a few incidents where he became violent. he would call and harrass john since he got his number from the time he stole my cell phone. I never got a restraining order because I knew it would only enrage mike and wouldn't keep him away anyway. This behavior didn't last long and after a while he calmed down and we were able to be civil if not friendly with each other. . then mike went back to jail for 10 more months. he was released in april and of course when mike got out he wanted to see me and sean. I hoped that for seans sake we could be friends. John and i were having our own problems(last year we broke up for about a month during which time he got his sons mother preganant again) and To make a long story short mike and i started sleeping with each other which is the STUPIDEST thing I could have ever done. Mike has become incredibly clingy and needy demanding all of my time gets upset that I spend time with john.I want to break it off. I know it was stupid of me to even go there and wrong of me to lead mike on or give him false hope and all of that. John and I are working things out and last week john proposed ( mike doesnt know) I want to end it with mike.I have to I cant take it anymore. I spend as little time possible with mike and desperatly try to avoid having sex with mike. he won't take no for an answer. no reason is good enough baout why i dont want to have sex. he got pissed off recently because I was taking antibiotics for sinus infection which gave me a yeast infection even then he still wanted to have sex and got upset that i told him no. part of the reason its even gone on this long is because i'm afraid that if i try to  end it he will tell john. he is holding this over my head and i dont know how to go about ending it. i know i have created a horrible horrible situation and i know i am so very very stupid for putting myself in this situation. i can't end all communication with mike because he is my sons father. I have tried being the worst kind of bitch in hopes of turning him off and making him hate me. I try to push him off on other girls. He had a girlfriend for a while she saw how obsessive he was towards me and wanted to break things off with him and i actually went to her and begged her not to break up with him. Nothing works. How do I end this safely peace fully and effectively? And i have already considered coming clean with john because thats michaels only ammo but only if there is no other way. please please help me.

Answer
Dear Elizabeth,
This is worse than a Jerry Springer episode ( no offense ).  First of all you must come clean with John and be prepared for the consequences.  Neither one of these situations sounds very healthy for you or your children.  Get a PFA against Mike and if he breaks it ~ follow through and have him arrested.  Eventually, once he gets the hint ~ if he wants to see his child he will pick his child up through a 3rd party. Not to be harsh, but do you enjoy the drama?  Because there is no way that I could live my life the way you are living it.  You have 2 men and neither one of them is really healthy and you aren't sounding too healthy yourself right now.  Maybe the best thing you could do is be on your own for a little while.  Take care of you and your children.  There is no reason for all of this chaos and drama in your world.... You can end all communication with Mike for the time being and all communication with John too.  You have to figure out what it is that you want and what you want out of your life and relationships.  Once you spend some time on your own and focus in on your own world ~ you are going to be a much healthier and happy person.  Good Luck and I wish you the best.  Erica