Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/17/2009

Question
Hi Erica, so here's my story. I started dating a girl the last day of my highschool freshman year. We were together all throughout highschool but knew that once we graduated I was joining the military since it had been a life ambition of mine since I was a kid. She said she loved me and would wait for me. Once we graduated, I realized how much I truly loved her and my ambitions in life had changed, so needless to say I stayed for her. 2 years after highschool I proposed and she excitedly said yes. We wanted to finish school before marriage so we postponed setting a wedding date until after. Last year we were looking to buy a house and get married this year in March. We found a place and that's where it all seems to fall apart. We were furniture shopping when I got the call that we were signing the papers for the house in 2 days and when I told her the news, her face turned pale and it looked like someone had just punched her in the gut. Couple of weeks later, she broke up with me claiming she wanted to be independent and experience life living on her own. I didn't handle the break-up too well but regardless, I helped her find an apartment and even helped her move into it. We stayed friends until I found out that she was "talking" to a guy she worked with. I told her that if that's what she wanted, I wasn't going to stick around and we stopped talking. The break-up took a HUGE toll on me and it took me months before I decided to even leave my house. I made new friends, helped out my family, basically kept busy. It's now been about a year and a half since she left me, and we text here and there, but nothing major. She has been going out with that guy from her work for about a year and they live together. I am about to move away to continue my education and keep up the appearance that I am fine and just working on me, but the truth is that I really love her still and miss her a lot. I have tried dating other girls but never made a good enough connection to pursue anything serious.

About our relationship; we were together for 8 years, engaged for 3. We had an AMAZING relationship, sure we had our arguments, but overall we had a great relationship. We were the couple everyone talked about and compared their relationship to. Obviously there's no such thing, but our relationship was as close to perfect as it could get(or so I thought anyways). We had a great time together, we gave ourselves plenty of space whenever either of us wanted to be alone or hang out with friends. We had complete trust and respect for each other. My family loved her and vice versa. Now, the problems that she had with me were minuscule but nonetheless problems, and I have now changed (for me).

Since we broke up, I have a certain emptiness in my life. At first I knew that my missing her was just because I was hurt and based on sadness and pain. Now that I've had time to "get over her" and move on with my life I can go back to "rational" thoughts. The truth is, when we broke up, I thought I needed her in my life or else it would just crumble. Now I know that my life will continue with or without her, but I want it to be with her. She is EVERYTHING I am looking for in partner and while I am sure that I can find someone else that may share the same qualities, I know that I'll never love someone as much as I do her. And I've come to terms with the fact that I may have to settle for someone who will make me happy but I may not necessarily love as much.

Anyways, here's my question: Do I tell her how I feel despite the fact that she is with her boyfriend? Or do I keep my feelings to myself and let things unfold naturally? I know that things have a funny way on how they work out, but sometimes I feel like if I don't say anything, things may not work out at all...

Answer
Dear Al,
I would write everything that you feel and want to say to her on paper, but not send it.  I would even date it so that in the event the 2 of you get the opportunity to talk in the future you could give it to her.  Things really do have a funny way of working out, but right now she is with someone that she has been with for a significant period of time.  Your feelings are all validated... you spent a lot of time with this person and she chose to leave for whatever the reason(s) are.  That is very painful and difficult to move on from, but you have to.  Hopefully, you will meet someone with all of the qualities that she had and then some.  It's sad when someone we have invested a lot of time, energy, and love for doesn't feel the same way... very sad, but we can only hope that we learn from our mistakes and move on.  I believe that timing is 80% of the equation to a long lasting relationship.  Two people have to be on the same page and want the same things at the same time.  Go and do what you are planning on doing, obtain your goals, make a FABULOUS life for yourself, and see what happens.  Don't beat yourself up that you aren't dating right now ~ you haven't found the right person and/or you just aren't ready and that is ok.  Surround yourself with great people, enjoy the adventures that life has to offer, and learn about you.  I know and understand that you need closure and want to tell her so many things, but right now I would write them down and keep them somewhere special.  Place her in a special part of your heart and start to move on ..... it's baby steps.... and painful.... I get that.... Good Luck