Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/22/2009

Question
QUESTION: I had a very kind and caring boyfriend who called everynight and was very attentive to everything I needed.  He would even watch chick flicks with me without any hassle- really, he was gold, and I was crazy about him.  After a few months, he told me how much he loved me.  Shortly soon after however, I began taking him for granted, and picked fights with him for no real reason.  Instead of talking to him when I was upset, I would say my piece and shut down emotionally.  I handled things very poorly.  Also, he wanted to be married eventually and I told him I never did- which is not true.  We began arguing a lot and finally, he broke it off.  He was having a very difficult time at work and between his job and I, he said he couldn't do it anymore.  This was about three weeks ago. We'd only been together 8 months, but I would really like to get him back and talk to him- I do think he is the one and I messed this up.  He's 27 and I'm 25.

When we broke up, he cried and seemed very upset.  He's a very sensitive person.  He mentioned a few times that he would like to call in a month and didn't want to end things this way, but I'm worried that that was the way he felt at the time and that his feelings have changed since then.  Also, he may just want to be friends at that point, who knows? But since he gave me a month time-line, I want to respect that and not breach it- but on the other hand, I do want to get back together with him.

So far, he has texted me once to wish me good luck on upcoming exam results which I replied "thank you" to, but that is the only contact I've had with him since the day we broke up.  I would like to get back together with him, but I really have no idea how to handle this.  Can you please give me some advice?

ANSWER: Dear Kady,
Please make sure that you are absolutely positive that you want to be with him.  You don't want to hurt him again.  If you are sure that this is the person you want to be with .... don't waste another second to tell him how you feel.  Yes, you must be prepared for the worst ~ he may not want to get back together, but you owe it to yourself and to him to tell him how you feel.  If he doesn't want to get back together you can atleast let him know how much you learned from this situation and please do learn from it.   Learn that you need to make sure you don't want to be with the "nice guy" before you break up with them.  But, ask yourself if you want him back because you are lonely or because you really want to be with him.  If it is because you want him... run back and do whatever you can to try to win him back..... Good Luck....

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Erika,

I absolutely want to be back together with him- I never wanted him to break up with me in the first place!  I was heartbroken when it happened and I'm heartbroken now.  I'm a little worried because after our last argument he said he needed a break- and we got together a week later and that's when he told me he couldn't do it anymore.  It was upsetting because I knew that he had thought it through before breaking up with me.  That's why I haven't called him or anything.

I think I just took for granted that he was so kind because I felt like he'd always be around, and then when he left I realized how poorly I acted.  It scares me because he said he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and although the feelings didn't die he didn't know how to get back to feeling that way.

I know that he would meet up with me for drinks or something, so maybe I'll just tell him then.  I would very much prefer to tell him in person as opposed to over the phone or in an email....I am out of town on business for another week- I think I would like to wait until I get back before I call to get together....what do you think?


Answer
Hi Kady,
I agree and that will give you some additional time to think about everything and what you are going to say to him when the two of you get together.  If things are meant to be they will be and the worst thing that happens is you learn from this and gain closure from hearing what he has to say, but if you do nothing you will never know...... Good Luck and Please Keep Me Posted...