Expert: Julie - 8/20/2009

Question
Hi,my name is Kathleen and I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years.  I'm 26 years old.  We have had our up and downs, but I do love him a lot! He's my first love! He has done somethings in the past like lied to me about serious things and the 2nd year we were dating he slept with a girl a few hours after we had broken up.  I was devastated! I was so hurt over breaking up I could never imagine myself with anyone else! Now, I know guys are different, but that's a little soon! But then he says that he didn't care about me back then and had fallen out of love. Just knowing what hes capable of kinda scares me. I feel like every girl is competition and I shouldn't feel that way! I feel like his eyes are not just on me, but also the next pretty girl. I broke up with him because I don't trust him. And he isn't putting the time into our relationship like he use to. All he does is stay on his computer or play video games til all hours at night. He isn't even affectionate anymore! We went from being intimate 3-4 times a week to once a month! Ive tried talking to him about it but we just start arguing! It all changed about 6 months ago. I'm really hurt by this because I feel like he kinda just gave up on me..on us! I miss him so much! I'm still driving him everywhere because he doesn't have his license due to a 2nd DUI! I told him I'd still be there to help him anyway I can! The last month we were together he was making plans to go on a road trip with his friend for 2 weeks in January.  We haven't been on a vacation in 4 years! And he didn't even invite me! I just felt bad because I feel like I do so much for him and I think I deserve a vacation to! I don't have one day for myself because I drive him to work and AA class so I felt a little bad that he wasn't thinking about "us". We could really use a vacation together! I just miss him now and honestly I don't really feel like he's even trying to be back together! I just need an outside opinion about this. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through! And I'm worried if I'm making the right choice or not. He is a good guy maybe a little immature when it comes to relationships. I'm just hurting and I miss him, but I also want to feel special with who I'm with. I don't want to worry about other girls I shouldn't have to! I feel like my self esteem has gone way down from being in this relationship. When we get in arguments he will yell and cuss at me. I hate that! I always feel like everything is my fault! Like when he slept with that girl, he said he didn't care about me then and we were broken up! He said it would be the same thing if he slept with her 3 months later. Which is the only reason I took him back because in my head we were broken up! I had broke up with him because he was drunk and yelled at me in front of everybody while I was bartending. He doesn't drink anymore, but this is also the 4th time he has quit. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for your time!

Answer
I dont even have to think about this one to know you made the 100% right decision. This was a VERY unhealthy relationship and you did everything you can to make it work. Just that he didn't. He doesn't seem to want to take any blame for what he does, trying to justify all his actions. Theres really not much else you could do to make it work. If he's not putting any effort into it, its going to fall apart no matter what.

He has a lot of issues and its going to take a long time for him to work on those for him to even be a part of a healthy relationship. I understand you love him and how much this hurts, but either way its going to end up bad. It will end up most likely getting worse and your self esteem will be further damaged.

Right now as your going through this painful break up, of course its hard to imagine being with anyone else. Right now you need to concentrate on healing, not finding someone else. Trust me I've been through 4 serious break ups in my life. Each one I never thought I'd heal from, never thought I could love again. But I was wrong. We all heal and move on. You just need to give it some time.

Of course you may think if you are with him it would take away the pain but trust me it won't, either you go through the break up now or later, its inevitable. He doesn't treat you good, you deserve to have someone love you and make you happy.
I've been in a similar type of relationship and kept going back because I 'loved him'
and it only got worse everytime I did go back until I just couldn't do it anymore.

You did the right thing for yourself and for him..

Good luck

Julie