Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/2/2009

Question
Hey Erica. First of all, I just want to say thank you for your time. I don't know where to turn to feel any better about my situation, and I can't keep feeling so sad. I miss this girl so much.

So, here's the story:

I met this girl at my job in January. I thought she was cute, and she was always smiling at me, but I didn't really think anything of it. One night myself and a few friends from work (including this girl) went out to get some drinks and my college roommate told me that it was basically a good opportunity to invite her back to our dorm, so I did. We hit it off right away.

After that night, we texted all the time. I could tell she was really into me, and I becoming more and more into her myself. Well, one night about three months into us seeing each other, but not being exclusive, she asked me when we'd make it official. I really wasn't sure and I asked her to just give me some time and I'd get there. I wanted to get to know her even more, and it just takes me awhile to trust someone. My ex really messed me up, and I was just scared of committing and getting hurt.

Two months later, I moved into my own house, and she stayed over that first night. She brought up being official again, and I could tell she was legitimately hurt that I hadn't given her that shot yet. She had put in her time, and I could tell I cared about her. I wasn't exactly ready yet, but I felt like I owed it to her, and I'm really glad she pushed me a little bit.

The last three months have been really fantastic. The girl is beautiful, smart, driven. A month and a half ago, she told me she loved me, and again, I wasn't ready to say it right away, but I could definitely feel that I was getting to that point. Maybe three weeks ago, I realized I love her too, so I told her, and things were great. She made me feel like I mattered, and she was honest with me. About a week ago however, she got a phone call from her dad, and he was basically yelling at her for all of her financial problems.

She's twenty years old, and she moved out of her moms house when she was seventeen. She's originally from New Jersey, about an hour and 20 minutes from here. When she left home, she went to a photography school in Philly, so she had a credit card, and ran into some problems. She's been in money situations before where she literally ate almost nothing for two weeks because she's too proud to ask anyone for help. I don't understand it, but she refuses to lean on the people that love her, including myself.

Anyway, after she got this phone call from her dad, she decided she just wanted to stay at her place by herself that night. It was literally the first night in three months she stayed at her apartment in Philly. So I guess I was a little sensitive about it, and it hurt my feelings that she wouldn't really talk to me about her problems. She gets maybe 15 to 20 phone calls before 12 noon from creditors, and she just lets all that stress build up inside and pushes the people close to her away.

In any case, a few days ago, she told me she just needed some time to herself to get over things and not shut me out of her life by not talking to me. It really hurt my feelings that she wouldn't talk to me. She saw how hurt I was, and she cried because she felt horrible that she was hurting me, but she assured me it was just the way she was, and that she just needed me to accept that, but that once she got over things, we'd be fine, and she would try to change for me because she loved me. Well, it wasn't fine.

I knew for the last few months that she was moving back to Jersey to live back at her parents house when her lease is up on her apartment. She wasn't supposed to move back until late September, but the other night she called me and told me that after talking with her mom on the phone, she was just too overwhelmed to stay here in Philly anymore, away from her family and childhood friends. So she put in her two week notice at work, and is moving back home next weekend. She feels like after she pays her lease, she'll be able to get back on her feet by having her friends around her, and being able to save more money by not having to pay rent to her parents. I can understand that, but still, I was devastated when she told me. I thought I'd have more time to prepare myself for the fact that I wasn't going to see her nearly as often as I'm used to.

I hoped that she'd see that everything wasn't so bad, that everyone's got problems, but that's why the people you love are there, to help you get through those times. But she's just gotten more and more depressed about her problems, and I spoke to her the day after she told me she was moving back when I got out of my internship, which is near her apartment in Philly. She'd been there for a few days, and I was missing her like crazy, especially given what she'd told me the night before. I hadn't even seen her, but I was trying to respect that she just needed time. Anyway, when I called her, I asked her if I could come see her because I was in the area and I just really missed her. And if she was going to be leaving soon, I wanted to spend that time with her.

And that's when she broke down and told me that she was so overwhelmed with all of her problems, that she just couldn't deal with the responsibility of being in a relationship anymore. I was completely heartbroken, but I tried to be supportive and be the guy that just wishes her luck and let her know that I'd be there for her if she needed me. But it wasn't easy, I was dying inside, and I just missed her so much. So the next day I called her and told her I was going to bring her stuff to her apartment that night, and she was fine with it.

I went to dinner with my grandfather that night (it was Wednesday, July 29th to give you an idea, just 4 days ago), and around 9:30 when I knew she'd be getting off of work soon, I texted her and told her I was coming by. She had told me she had forgotten I was going to bring her stuff there, and asked if I'd just wait til the next day to bring it because she was feeling particularly vulnerable. I couldn't do it. I can't even step foot in my room because I can still smell her in there. I just wanted her stuff out of my house because it was killing me. My friends were telling me they could tell it was killing me. So we got into an argument because I told her I had to bring the stuff up there, and I just wanted her to make that time for me, because even though I knew that she really needed to just be by herself, she was still being selfish and not really considering my feelings in all of this, and I just needed to be selfish this one time. I really needed to see her and talk to her and hopefully get some closure. I was ready to tell her how much she'd hurt me and just be done with things, even though I felt so horrible for her because of what she was going through. I was so conflicted because here's this girl I love, and she's hurt, and I can see it in her face because of things out of her control and mistakes she made when she was seventeen, but she was shutting me out, and it was really hurting me. On Tuesday, she made her mom cry because she wouldn't talk to her mom about her problems. She shut her out too. She only does it to the people she loves. It doesn't even make any sense.

Anyway, I finally got her to agree to let me take her stuff to her house that night. So I took it there, and we talked, and she told me she'd written me a letter in which she wanted me to take her back. She said she was sorry a bunch of times in it, and talked about how she missed me and she realized she made a mistake. But my mistake was that before I read the letter, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I was angry that she was shutting me out. It just made me feel horrible. So I told her how much she was messing me up inside, and it was a huge mistake on my part in hindsight, because I'd already told her that. I just couldn't not say it again, and I don't know why. She changed her mind about me taking her back, and said she needed time again to think about things. She said she was conflicted because she'd done a long distance relationship before, and it was so hard, and she didn't want to hurt me anymore. I pleaded with her to reconsider, and eventually I just told her to please not give up on us. And she broke down and said she didn't want us to end, and that if I just gave her a few days, wait for her to call me, we'd get back together.

Well, I didn't talk to her at all the next day, which was Thursday the 30th, and then on Friday, the 31st, I made her a CD of music that reminded me of her, and wrote her a letter just encouraging her, letting her know things would be ok, and that if she just gave us a shot, we'd make it work and I'd be there for her no matter what. When I gave her the CD and letter, she started to tear up and asked me if I'd be ok if we didn't get back together. I told her I knew I wouldn't, and that I couldn't be her friend. It would just hurt too much. And after a half hour of pleading with her and us going back and forth, she finally just told me that she knew in her heart that being alone and taking care of her problems on her own was just something she needed to do. She said that she's been in a situation before where she broke up with someone, woke up sometime later and realized she'd made a mistake. I really hope she does.

Really, she just didn't want to worry about being at home, and only being able to see me once or twice a month, that would be hard enough. But if there was ever a situation where I called her and she was having a bad day and she wouldn't talk to me, she knows it would hurt me, and she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and she doesn't want to feel like she's a bad person for doing so. She's got a lot of responsibility for her age, I know, but I just wish that she'd reconsider.

She's openly admitted that she's being selfish, and she doesn't know why she is the way she is, but even her friends are telling me this is just the way she is. It's just how she's always been. This is just how she deals with things. But I never knew that, because I was so swept away with how good things were between us that I never saw that side of her. At this point, I'd be willing to deal with it if she would just give us a shot, but she said on Friday night that the risk was too much for her, and she was already too overwhelmed and hurt with the whole situation to have to possibly ruin any possibility of me ever being in her life again. She begged me to just give us a shot as friends, but I know I can't do that. I love her too much, and it would just hurt too much. So I just told her that maybe someday if I felt like I could be her friend I'd call her, but not to call me, because I needed to seperate myself from her completely if I was gonna be ok. And she asked if that day came where she realized she messed up, could she call me and tell me. I told her that if she did that, she'd need to be absolutely positive it was what she wanted because I don't think I could deal with getting my hopes up for it again just to have them smashed again, and that I wasn't going to wait for her, because that wouldn't be fair to me at all.

So the agreement basically was if I'm ready to eventually be her friend at some point, I'll call her, but don't call me in the meantime unless it's to say I'm sorry, I love you, and I made a mistake. I would be willing to give it another shot if neither of us were dating anyone at the time and if I still felt the same way by the time she did it. So I tried to be strong for her so she didn't have to feel bad for seeing me so hurt anymore, and I gave her a kiss on the cheek, hugged her and told her everything would be ok. That she was strong and everything would turn out alright because she was driven to get herself back on her feet. She told me she didn't deserve me, and we walked away from each other and my heart just broke all over again. I had told her I wouldn't be able to go into work the next day because it would be too hard to have to be in the same place as her for six hours, see her, and not even talk. I'd probably just break down at my job.

So I called out yesterday, ready to start trying to move on.

I actually had a pretty good day. I surrounded myself with my friends, and my buddy came over to have some beers and play some baseball on PS3 to help keep me distracted. At quarter to one last night, my phone rang, and it was her. I got my hopes up right away that she was going to call me and tell me she already realized she'd made a mistake. When I picked up, she was crying, and she said "Mitch, I think there's something wrong with me."

Bottom line, her appendix or something in that area had been hurting her for a few days, but she didn't think anything of it and didn't tell anyone, assuming she'd just strained a muscle in her abdomen or something and it would just go away. But the pain was so unbearable that she couldn't lay down in her bed without crying, and she was scared and didn't know who else to call.

So I was heartbroken, because it was like, you can't talk to me about your problems when we're together, but you can call me now when you're having a problem?

I tried to take care of her anyway despite the fact that I was yet again heartbroken, and I was ready to drive to her house at 2am and take her to the hospital. She apologized a bunch of times for calling me, but that she was just scared and didn't know who else to call that late at night. She knew I'd be awake apparently.

She finally went to sleep around 3:00 am when her pain subsided, and I spent another night without any sleep, completely destroyed about things. So I went into work today and left because I was so messed up about 20 minutes after I got there. I called her on my way home just to let her know that I was worried about her and just wanted to see if she was feeling better. She said yes, and thanked me for caring, and apologized again because she knew she hurt me by calling me for the reason she did.

And that brings me to now. I'm sitting in my parents living room, dogsitting for them while they're down the shore for the weekend, completely alone, and all I could think about is how much I miss this damn girl and how sad it makes me that everything was so good and that this whole thing just blindsided me. She really is my better half, and I wish there was something I could say to convince her to just give us a shot, and that it would be good for her, but no matter how she looks at it, she just doesn't think any relationship will be healthy for her while she's going through this. The real tragedy is that it's nobody's fault. She doesn't deserve what's happening to her. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with that stress from every angle, creditors, her parents, and even moreso, she doesn't deserve to feel like she has to keep it all inside until it builds up and she breaks. And it's even more sad because I know I need her in my life, and I know she needs me in hers too, just not in the capacity we're in. She begged me to be her friend, and when I told her I couldn't, she cried and cried. I feel like this is some crazy situation where we need each other, but I need to be with her in this relationship, and I can't be her friend, it would just hurt too much.

So now I'm stuck knowing that she's just going to be out of my life whether I like it or not, and I'm protecting my own feelings by not being her friend, just like she's protecting herself from a potential meltdown by moving back home so she doesn't have to pay rent anymore, getting a job where she grew up, and getting herself back on her feet. I understand that she needs to do this, I just don't understand we can't be together while she does. I know that she feels like it's a risk for both of us to get hurt if we do it, and I don't think either of us could handle that if it happened, but she's worth that risk to me, and I just wish she would give it a chance. I'm so heartbroken, especially since I know that she is still in love with me. It would be easier if she wasn't.

So I suppose after giving you the whole story, what I want to ask is, how do I cope with this? It's so messed up because I care about her so much and just want to be there for her, and I just wish I had a million dollars to pay her bills so she didn't have to worry anymore, and we could get our own place and just get back to being who we were just a week and a half ago.

How do I deal? How do I cope?

Thanks so much love. I hope you get time to write back =\

-Mitch

Answer
Dear Mitch,
First of all I am going to apologize because my answer is not going to be as long as your question, but thank you for being so honest :)  I need to tell you that the best thing to do is cope and try to get busy living your own life.  This situation is not healthy for you.  You are trying to find some explanation/rationalization as to why she doesn't want to be with you and you are truly an amazing person for wanting to help her.  However, the only person who can help her is herself.  Granted she may have had a few tough run in's in life, but very few people have been fortunate enough not to have.  We have all had tough run in's and we have to grow up, become responsible, deal with our issues, and learn to be healthy productive individuals.  I can relate to pushing people away that are close to me.  It sounds weird to you because you haven't used that skill as a coping mechanism and many of us have.  However, the only way I ever stopped pushing someone away was when they didn't accept my bad behavior anymore.  She can't have the best of both worlds.  You cannot allow her (which is what you are doing) to live her life the way she wants to and yet when she needs you because noone else is around ~ she calls you.  If you choose to accept this kind of behavior ~ this is the kind of treatment you will and will continue to receive and don't you think you deserve a little more than that.  You obviously have a very kind soul, but you can't rescue someone who is "lost" or feeling "helpless" unless she wants your support, but not help.  You have to take care of you and you really aren't because you are missing work and not doing the things you need to do to take care of you.  She may say that she doesn't want to hurt you, but she is ~ this whole situation is.  Tell her that you care about her, wish her the best, and let her go figure her own life out.  If it is meant to be it will be..... I know that sounds so cliche' but it is the truth.  You need to start doing the things that you enjoy doing and taking care of yourself.  You can love her from a distance and you have to tell yourself repeatedly that you did the best you could.  She can make every excuse in the book (I have been there.) But, the truth is.... only I could fix me.... Whether she needs couseling, medication, etc... she has to figure it out.  Her bad credit is her own fault and she needs to fix that too.  If she continues to run away from her problems then she will never become the person that she needs to be.  She needs time and space to allow herself to grow... So, the best advice and thing you can do is... let her go.... set her free... and concentrate on you.  If and when she comes back you may not want it, but if you do... she will have more to bring to the table.... Good Luck...I truly wish you the best because your email displays such amazing character.  "E"