Expert: ***ERICA*** - 8/15/2009

Question
Hi Erica

It is difficult to sort out what might be on target in what has happenned in a recent relationship.  I seem to be stuck in some endless review of a relationship that ended in what seemed to be sudden fashion.  I have always been able to take a fearless look at my own role in the demise of relationship, and have here.  And I know there were some issues I was dealing with.  I also know that it is the right of anyone to end a relationship at any time for whatever reason, but still, I can't seem to put some things behind me and move on this time.

I have also just lost my job to lay-off, this preceded the breakup by a few weeks.  I should also mention that this was a medium distance relationship of about 1 1/2 hours drive, and we met online.  For several years, I worked for a company in chaos, where the rewards for a job well done were to be treated like inferiors, by an owner with such a lofty and entitled attitude about himself, that I believe he sufferred from a full blown personality disorder.  Everyone hung by a thread, walking on eggshells around him as though he were a moody 3 year old.  I thought I was OK, my self esteem could survive it, but it was an act.  Submitting to that each day eroded something in me, and it wasn't until it was over that I could see it clearly.

Last July, she contacted me on a dating site.  We exchanged a few emails, then she dissapeared for a few months.  That happens. Then she contacted me and said she would be in town for some classes and wondered if I would be interested in meeting. I was. I gave her a tour of the town, and had some dinner.  I liked her, smart, interesting, seemed very together and confident.  We lingered, and went for a coctail that first night, unusual because I am not a drinker.  The bar was very nice, expensive, quiet, and nearly empty on a weeknight.  We talked a bit, then exchanged a few words with an apparent regular.  We are around fifty years old, and this guy was 20 years older, and was not only pickled, but showed signs that it was a daily habit.  I thought just be polite, and he will get distracted, but he didn't.  He homed in on my date and took huge a interest in her life and history.  I waited for the opportunity to suggest that we move from the bar to a table and continue our own conversation.  She remained turned away, engaged with this derilect.  I was ignored, looking at the back of her head.  I just met her and didn't want to seem rude, but it wasn't for nearly an hour until she excused herself for a bathroom break that I got the chance to tell the guy that this was our first date, yes, he is right, she's great, and this is my chance to get to know her.  He got the message.  I brushed it off, but still, it was wierd.

We met again the next day for lunch, and the attraction was growing, and it was mutual.  The next night, Friday, I asked her over to my place. I wanted to spend more time with her before she went home, see where this might lead.  We talked for hours, and were very comfortable together.  I had no expectations for how far things might go that evening, I am considerate, patient, and was and am looking for something that would last in a relationship.  Things seemed to flow so naturally, we were sitting on the sofa, excellent conversation, I was giving her a foot massage as we talked.  Something clicked inside her, and she backed away, and said that this looked like we were heading for casual sex, and she didn't do that anymore.  She asked me how long it had been since I had had sex.  I answered honestly, three weeks, and described a little of the situation, as someone that I liked, spent time with occasionally, but didn't see any future with at this point.  So I asked her the same, and she said it was a week ago, but it was someone she had been seeing in spite of him not being interested in a relationship with her.  A bit confused, I asked her when this change in lifestyle had taken place...she said it was this week.  Hmmm. I had occupied most of her week, and felt both flatterred that she might see something in me that was real, and a bit anxious about being the fulcrum in some life changing decision involving her sexuality and how she made an emotional living.  It was late, we went to bed...together.  We made out like teenagers till sunrise.  There was humor, respect, frustration, giving, boundaries, and connection.  At some point that night, she revealed that she had brought condoms and massage oil.  The massage oil we used, but not her condoms or mine.  Something didn't add up, but she seemed to be in some personal growth thing, and seemed sincere.  And I was sincere in my feelings for her.  Respect and patience, I had learned my lesson about jealousy and asking questions about the past in a previous relationship, one in which I endured a cycle of betrayal and reconciliation.  I saw nothing like that here, I wanted to take the high road, live in the moment and see where things might lead.  Having done a few pheonix impersonations myself, I respected whatever her private struggle or conflict was.  Whatever she volunteered was enough for me. I would be there to listen if she ever needed it.

We agreed to see each other the next weekend, at her house.  During the week she said she had met with a doctor and was now on birth control.  Seemed to be assuming an exclusive relationship, I was fine with that, yet during that week, I wondered about the truth of anything I had been told, wondered what sort of reborn morality could really play itself out like that, where was she coming from here.  Bringing condoms and not having sex?  Was something amiss or was this for real?  Was this a twisted power play or was she sincere?  I really thought she was for real, but I even had to calm some anger from somewhere, I knew it wasn't right, it was her body and I scarcely knew her.  Somehow we were on the same page, even if she had just turned to it when she met me.  Or had she changed her life the day before? Would she succeed?  Was there danger of reverting to some dark and unspeakable past behavior?  What was different about me that she haden't seen or been a part of in the nine years since she divorced her cheating husband?  There is no life without risk, and this looked pretty good.  I put aside any doubts and drove anxiously to see her.

The kids were out of the house and we had it too ourselves.  But something was missing.  That spontaneous flow had been interupted, and although we did have something wonderful to give each other, that irresistable thrill was missing, seemed a bit matter of fact.  I sensed some strange shift of power and control, we had gone from red hot desire a week ago, to what seemed almost like having been married for 20 years and seen it all before.  Its just me, I thought.  Different, but I really like and appreciate what is happenning here.

With few exceptions, we saw each other for the next eight months, almost every weekend, involving each other in each others lives, texting through the day, telephone every night.  Meanwhile, work was getting bad for me.  In that situation, I began to lose belief in myself.  I became very worried, depressed as the economy weakened.  I found myself without much left to give to her by the end of each week, and unable to give back to her what she gave from the heart.  I thought that we were strong enough, the work thing was temporary. But it just got worse, and my life outside the relationship was a mess.  I wanted no part of anyone to fix me or save me, I think we both had enough sense to avoid that.  But what I did do was to hold her at arms length, and we got stuck between the first date and happily ever after.  At the place where no one had said I love you yet...I didn't want to be first, not knowing what she had been through, not knowing exactly where she was coming from.  Everything else in our behavior and committment said we did love each other, should have just said so.  Knowing that my job would end, she actually arranged a job in her town, but when I went with her to her friends for the interview, something seemed wrong.  We took a long time to get to the point of discussing employment.  She also said I could move in with her.  I hesitated, so many things in my life to change at such a bad time for me, I wondered if I could pull it off....I hesitated and made no decision, I still had hope to work at my old job for a while. Why wasn't she talking about it?  This was a huge step, if she had doubts about me, would she have invited me into her home?  I wasnt sure that was the best way to go about it, abandoning my life and invading hers.  An offer that seemed to be out of love and committment, presented as matter of fact, and then never discussed again...wierd, the way we both acted about that.

A couple weeks later, I got the axe at work. I was devastated. Three weeks went by before we could get together, she had what seemed to be valid committments.  We looked forward to taking her daughter 150 miles to the airport to fly to see her dad for a summer visit, and sharing the hotel room the next day.  The three of us spent a normal first night in the hotel, the girls slept in one bed, me in the other, we were looking forward to the next day together.  We ordered pizza and enjoyed the pool, very much like a family.  Yet I was in distress over unemployment and my future, and hadn't slept well in weeks, and not that night either.  She returned from the airport in the wee hours, and crawled into bed with me, fully expecting the unleashing of pent up passion from not seeing each other in three weeks.  I could barely wake up, and really wasn't up to speed, the stress of no work was effecting my sleep, my mood, and at that time, even my stomach and health.  I just wanted to hold her, and linger in that moment between wake and sleep, feel the love and reassurance flow and build between us.  But she began to fondle and grope immediately, and my feeling was that I really wasn't ready (strange for a man, I know) and didn't want this time to be just about needy sex.  I couldn't respond, and knowing I was letting her down felt terrible, adding to what was already on my mind.  I felt like I was paralized, not able to initiate the very behavior I wanted so badly.  I finally managed an uninspired performance, but somehow I had done some great damage.  We proceeded through the day, went to a museum, but I noticed she always lagged far behind me. She bought me a fine dinner for my birthday on the way home, and things seemed fine.  We chatted briefly about the possibility of me being depressed on the way home, but I deflected it, knowing I was but not wanting to seem weak and not deal with it myself as I had always been able to do.  I had no idea that was the last time I would see her, that was in late May.

Two days later she invited me to a picnic.  Nobody I knew was there, and I was not doing well emotionally.  Maybe it would have been just the thing. I told her that I wasn't in the mood, and I really was up to my ears in some projects.   Although I was having trouble, we seemed to be getting along just fine.  There was no hint that she was done.  A few days later, after no contact, I texted her and asked her how her summer was going...she asked if I really wanted to know, and said that for some time I hadn't been interested in her life or appreciative of the time we spent together.  I told her that I have been really preoccupied with my own problems.  She said that she had been as patient as she could but it was too hard and frustrating.  After 8 months together, with the urgent problems I was facing, everything in my heart was telling me that we could get by this, talk it out.  I recognized her needs, and felt badly.  I did appreciate having her in my life very much, maybe too much as it seemed to be the only thing good I had going.  I knew I had been inattentive to her needs, but had no idea it was that huge.  We were talking and laughing and getting along fine up to that point.  I really felt that now that I knew, I would certainly be willing to change my behavior towards her, its what I wanted too!  She wouldn't hear of it, and got just downright mean, everything I offerred as an excuse or promise just escalated her resolve to tell me off.  And I agreed, it was a wake up call.  I had lost track of my place in the world, and was blaming others instead of taking charge of my own life...I always considered our relationship seperate from that.  I really felt embarrassed, and sorry.  She persisted, talking about "us" in the past tense, but never actually saying it was over.  It was "I can't spend this much energy anymore, it shouldn't be this hard, I should have said something sooner but I was too optomistic that things would change, I need some space.  You are special to me and I don't want to break all ties."

My mind told me she was done, and that really didn't soak in.  I really believed I would have the chance to show her I wasn't a jerk, I cared deeply for her, and that we had some very good things between us.  In my core somewhere I really knew I was a good person, not the guy she was describing.  A few weeks went by, she sent me a very friendly text letting me know she was sending back a book of mine.  In it were her pictures of me...OK, then, she is serious, I thought.  Another week went by, and I sent a few exploratory texts, hoping that if it was over, we could say goodbye with a wink and a smile for the good times and trying, and all that we gave each other, a tip of the hat and wish each other luck. I was left with no respect or dignity.  

Another week or so went by and I texted her to remind her to wish her Dad a happy Father's Day.  She wished me the same.  She mentioned something she saw on TV that reminded her of me.  I said I was spending the day with my daughter, and she wished me a great day.  A few hours later I got a text that said, "Hey, I want you to know that I am in a relationship now and don't want you to contact me anymore."   I was doing OK before that.  I was devastated now.  I lobbied in texts the next day for a telephone conversation that evening, in calm, and neutral wording, hoping to find some common ground to go forward from, what happenned?  She was brutal, said she didn't want to because I set limits on her, because I was passive aggressive, because she couldn't be friends, and I didn't f**cking get it.  This did not sound anything like the person I used to know, it was as though someone else's words and attitude were coming out of her.  For some reason I felt like there was a lot at stake here in getting some acknowledgement that we were ever in a relationship at all! There was no wiggle room for me to be left with any integrity here at all. And the denial in me was telling me that if I could just break through and talk to the person I used to know, we might still have a chance.  This was just too wierd. She did agree to call me, but said it would be the last time and then she was done.  She could not understand why I wanted to hear more, as she had said everything she wanted to say. I prepared my notes the rest of the day, but when I opened with talking about the questions about that first night together, I got a wake up call.  There would be no analysis of the whole thing, and I was told "you are messed up, you need help!!!!"  Those were her last words.

Those words rang with some authority from someone who knew me better than anyone.  I felt utterly alone, no job, no relationship.  I took those words to heart, and began a fearless examination of my role in my own demise.  I had nothing but time, I knew my heart was broken, but this was bigger.  I took it to heart, got some counseling, and began to help myself.  Within a few days, I began making enormous progress in my belief in myself and being accountable for my own problems, things began to fall into place very rapidly.  I found I had some pretty good pieces to put back together, and yes, I saw a lot of things I did wrong in that relationship in being preoccupied with my own issues and blaming the world for them.  My confidence and hope are back, in fact I feel better about myself and my place in this world than I have in probably five years, maybe more than that in some areas.  

I had her bicycle.  During my recovery process, I let her know that I could get it to her, knowing full well that I really just wanted to see her.  I practiced and focused way too much on showing her that I was fine, and what I might say when I saw her.  I really hoped that at the moment I saw her again I would wonder what I ever saw in her, or that I would see some thawing of the cold war.  After many reschedulings, evasive and unexplained changes over two weeks, we finally agreed on a time and place...she was coming in someone else's car, and I told her where I thought we should meet.  She said fine and told me we would meet somewhere else, at her time.  OK, fine.  Who was she with?  I didn't have to do this...it was an hour drive for me, but I had further business there, with a new girl who was crazy about me.  She texted me 30 minutes before meeting and 40 minutes into my drive to let me know that something had come up at home and she was unable to meet me.  Instead, just meet her girlfriend at a car dealership where she was scheduled to have some work done and let her bring the bike.  Wow, I wondered if she ever intended to come at all...surprising since this was a bike that I built for her and didn't have finished till after we broke up.  Should have sold it but I looked around the house and saw so many things she had given me that I guess I wanted to adjust my karma.  Maybe this was better, I talked for some time with her good friend, and learned some things about my ex that I never knew.  How bad her divorce had been, and what a long road back it had been.  She even told me that my relationship had been good for her and she had learned a lot from me, and that she was fine and doing well.  I worked the conversation enough that if there were some other man in her life she would have mentioned it, but she didn't.  That may have been a lie as well.  And I sent her back with the impression that I was just fine, that I wished her the best, thought the world of her, and I hoped also that her friend would wonder why on Earth she ever broke up with a guy like me, maybe even take that back to her!

I waited a week, then texted her about an adventure I had in the mountains, how short the summer was, how the bike worked out.  We exchanged cheerful words, she thanked me lavishly for the bike, but as she had before, continued to ask me about how I was doing in terms that revealed how little she knew about how far I had come from where she had left me.  In fact, she talked down to me as though I were a child, not someone who she had been in a relationship with for nearly a year, sometimes chasing me all over the state to spend just a few hours together!  

I began to think about something else...she used to write me cards and letters that I would receive during the week apart.  They were deep and revealed something very different, in that she revealed something of her soul and thoughts about "us" that she would never speak of when we were together.  When I was hospitalized for digestive testing for a day, she took a day off to be with me and drive me home, and took care of me after anesthesia.  Then she wrote me a letter telling me how much she felt like packing up her feelings with her dirty clothes and running away, but she didn't do that anymore, and she was sincere, faithful, and in 100%.  For our six month anniversery, she sent me a poem she wrote about love, which danced around the subject but ended with "love feels like you".  Each letter told me of how much her life was different and better with me, and how much she learned from me...hey, I am not a teacher or a therapist, just a guy looking for some happiness and peace in life!  Why never in person?  And now I remember a look in her eyes towards the end when she came over, a look of discomfort, maybe it looked like she was doing something wrong??

I couldn't stand it, I sent her an email last week.  Explained to her as best I could what had happenned inside me in my life and work, that I had kept her at arm's length while I struggled with my own problems, that I had made enormous progress.  I apologized for not being in a place where I could give her what she needed.  I thanked her for sticking with me when I was down.  I thanked her too for having the healthy boundary within her to be able to say enough is enough, and walk away when it wasnt right for her.  And that that was the best thing that could have happenned for me as well, because as long as she was at my side, somehow but not intentionally by anyone, it enabled me to continue fighting windmills in my life, and blame the world for the problems I was having.  I believe those things are true, and are a true measure of having recovered from the negativity of depression.  I told her that I knew what it was like to be in a relationship with someone who didn't believe in themselves, that I had spent 3 1/2 years in one, and knew what it felt like and I never intended to do that to anyone, and understood why we had to go seperate ways.
I said that if I acted aloof or disinterested, it was because all my energy was going to fight my own internal battle, it was never about her.  She had done things right for the right reasons, and if anybody was going to be there when I was down, I was glad it was her.  

It was a long letter, lots of things from a whole new viewpoint in life.  I consider myself a generous and kind man, and try to live my life accordingly.  In this relationship, there were none of the pitfalls so common in breakups:  no violence, no abuse, no fighting, no drugs.  But now that I think about it, there was never a day I spent with her that she didn't drink, but not to excess that I noticed.  But there were some drinking buddies and lots of talk about parties around her house.  Her teenage kids (who seemed very well adjusted, raised by their mom) would sometimes mock her disrespectfully with references to things she had done when she was drunk.

So I sent that letter, not knowing if I should have, not knowing what would happen.  Three days later, last night, after midnight, I got a reply. It was just a paragraph, saying that I said more in that letter than in our whole relationship. She was glad to hear that I was getting professional help and working hard to inprove my life and outlook. She said I was kind in assessing her role in our relationship.  And that she could tell I understood some things:  why she was keeping her distance from me and why she is hesitant to talk much to me at this time. Huh? and the kicker: "you have done a lot of hard work and honestly, you have a lot of hard work still to do.  I applaud your committment to improvement and appreciate your honesty."  That last part made me mad.  She can't let up on me, even after a letter that clearly shows healthy thinking and admits to issues that I have worked through already.  I have been in relationships that endured much greater hardships than we ever had.  She accepted the compliments to herself, then proclaimed from some lofty position of judgement that I was still far away from being someone that she she could talk to as an equal or didn't have to avoid.  It seems that every time I make contact, she is gracious in the first part, but can't help but add a stinger at the end that hurts.  Every time I feel like there is something left unsaid, that I have been misjudged and punished for something I have owned up to and forgiven at least myself for, or things that I thought had been resolved.  That reply kept me awake most of the night, and I woke up thinking about her again, what I would like to say to defend myself.  I offerred her a heartfelt apology for the things I did that were wrong, and gave her credit for everything she did right.  My words offerred understanding and goodwill.  She accepted them like shaking my hand and punching me in the nose at the same time!

I get it that I am not over this.  But in the other issues in my life that I contributed to the breakup, I am back on course.  I offerred her that in some effort to normalize the recognition that we were ever friends at all.  It feels like this thing is still pulling at me like a branch snagged on my clothes, and I can't go further without attending to it.  Sounds like no further contact is the answer, as I seem to be dependent on her for closure, rather than finding it within myself.  But it just seems so chldish.  I would rather be more grown up at my age and let both of us say goodbye with some integrity.  OK, I admit, I still believe if she were reasonable we could work it out.  But I am sensing a shift in that.  In fact, I am wondering if my involvement with her and the issues or secrets she has may have had more to do with my recent depression issues than I realize.

Your thoughts?  Is it me who is messed up?  Is it her?  Is it both? Let me know?

Tom  

Answer
Dear Tom,
I really read your email and wonder if you were really that into her.  There were so many red flags that made you question this woman and her actions from the very beginning.  Now that she has moved on with her life ~ it is normal to ask yourself all of the what if's and maybe's, etc.  But, something within yourself didn't allow you to get close to this woman.  I know very well that a man wants to be a man and not be a burden on anyone, but when two people become involved and close to one another it is very natural to allow the other person to see us at our most vulnerable state especially with some time invested into a relationship.  It's great that you are getting professional help and the best thing to do is not have contact with her so that you can continue to focus in on and improve your life.  I am not saying that the situations that were going on in your life weren't valid and didn't play a part in your day to day emotions, but I think there were a lot of red flags that you noticed very early on in the relationship and chose to ignore.  My advice to you would be to move on with your life and concentrate on those things that make you happy.  When we truly are in love with the right person we don't have to overlook so many things, but rather look forward to being with the person that is just right for us.  I wish you luck in your continued endeavors and hope that you find peace and happiness within yourself first and then with the right person.  Warmest Wishes....