Expert: Julie - 9/4/2009

Question
Hello myself and my boyfriend are both in our mid/late 20's and have been together for just under 4 years. Now in that time when there has been an issue come up once in awhile mostly when hes been out drinking or something he will just say you know what its not working and pack up his stuff... I on the other hand, even if its not my fault, will freak out and say what are you talking about, lets talk about this.. and brings him back in. So I have talked to him about this since I never threaten to break up and he has done so about 8 times with in the past 4 years.. I think only 2 of those times he actually left and spent the night apart. But as you can see I clearly run after him even though its not always my fault I just think we can always work it out if we just talk about things and he just results to breaking up. Now later when we talk about it and I say I can not take this I need to know you are going to be there and I dont trust that in you right now that your not going to just leave so you have to stop doing that. He has even said well I never leave do I... Ok now on the other head we have a great relationship besides that I love him we spend all the time together we have fun together hes a great guy. Well on Sunday I had to work he was out with his friends from out of town on the lake partying and came out 2 and 1/2 hours late now things did come up, his brother accidently grabbed his phone (he even called and told me he had it) and one of the boats broke down. So once he explained it to me I understood but I did get alittle upset at first and simply just said "what happened I wanted to hang out with everyone too and Ive been waiting for almost 3 hours and was worried about you". Well this and me agreeing w/ his friends side of a drama field story about that day made him even more upset like I was supporting his friend and not him. So he yelled got up and packed all his stuff and left. I called him later and he just yelled again and hung up on me. Now all of this keep in mind he was drinking and clearly so, so I took it w/ a grain of salt. I figured he would realize I didn't do anything calm down and come say sorry.. Well there have been "hey I need my charger or hey this happened to so and so" kindof text, I even ran into out for a quick sec. and it was like hey hows your week good yours.. ok bye.. We have not talked about the situation, he has not called me or come over and have not spent the night together since Sunday and it is now Thur. night. (We have not spent more then a night or two apart in almost 4 years). I for the first time EVER am standing up for myself and have not gone over there said we need to talk or anything b/c I didnt do anything wrong and I feel like he thinks he can say and do whatever he wants and I will always go running back to him and he knows it. I dont know if he is surprised that I am not doing this, if he just does not know what to say to me or if he is just over it and is done w/ our relationship.Also my friend and I jsut decided to last min. to flight out of town for the weekend to get away which is comp. not like me and I leaven in two days, Sat. night should I talk to him before then.. I just feel like that would be me running to him again... What should I do??

Answer
Whatever you do, do not contact him. Don't tell him you are going out of town. Don't say anything. He is in the wrong, by constantly "punishing" you for questioning him or anything else for that matter and then threatening to break up with you. That is so wrong. How are you to ever have stability or security in the relationship if he's constantly doing that to you?
And yes, by you constantly taking him back, and not standing up for yourself, you are showing him that what he's doing is okay. So he sees no reason to change. Maybe if you stand up this time and go do your own thing, he will be surprised and finally see that you have had enough of his behaviour. If he is to change he won't if you keep easily giving in. Stick to this and if he comes running back, don't make it easy on him. Its the only way he will learn, and if he doesn't learn, then he's not worth all this.

Good luck

Julie