How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Beautiful Disaster

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Expert: Julie - 9/11/2009


Question

me
Hey Julie,
My name is Kelly. I just got out of a relationship about 4 months ago. When I met Josh(former bf) I had gotten out of a relationship 6 months prior with a guy who had cheated on me. I've always been a bit insecure but that relationship made things worst. Well Josh was kind of a jerk when I first met him. I'm a Christian so I was a little uneasy about dating this guy but he had a Christian background and his family were regular church goers so I thought I'd give the relationship a try. I did not expect it to last long at all the first 5 months were terrible. He wasn't the worst boyfriend in the world but he choose when to come to church and he partied and just hung out with friends that I didn't approve of. I wanted to break it off with him but I had fallen in love with him. Now I'm not sure if it was him or just the idea of what I wanted him to be. Anyway he ended up going to the hospital in the beginning of July to get his tonsils removed because he got really sick and couldn't breath. Before that he didn't speak with me or answer any form of communication I tried to contact him with and so I accused him of cheating and said he was lying and that he wasn't in the hospital. Turns out he really was his brother told me but he also told me to watch out for this girl named Honey because there was something strange up with her and on myspace she had a picture of him and her as her default. Josh assured me that she had a boyfriend but it still seemed very strange to me so I kept bugging him about it. He then had enough and broke up with me. Regardless of the breakup my parents and I went to go visit him in the hospital and took him a little gift. I than went to his house a day after he arrived and gave him his birthday gifts early since we had broken up and I was just going to say bye. He then asked me to get back with him because he loved me and made a mistake. I was hesitant but I decided to go back out with him anyway. A month after we started dating again he was texting some girl talking about how they were gonna drink and be dirty. He said he was just joking around with her but it still hurt me so I didn't speak with him. Then he went outside and I went to talk to him we resolved the problem and moved on but I was never able to fully trust him and never thought I would be able too. Everything after that was great for 8 months I loved him more than anyone before. He was my everything and we were taking counseling and talking about getting married. We had even asked the Pastor to marry us at one point but the Pastor asked us to rethink it because he felt that it wasn't time and we weren't ready. Then in May everything started to fall apart faster then I could even keep track of. That's right when I started to trust him and right when we we're gonna take pre-marriage counseling but we never got to it. It all started when he went to go visit one of his old friends because he had fixed his computer. After that everything went downhill. He told me he was going to stay there with his friend and I had to convince him to come back. I wouldn't normally ask him to but he had promised to spend the day with me. And then he just got worst. He on occasion wouldn't come to church. One time he didn't tell me anything just that he spent the night at his friends and overslept like 6 hours after I tried contacting him and 4 hours after he woke up! Another time he said he was going to church than he said he was there turns out he was driving to santa maria to his parents church and his excuse was that he didn't tell me which church he was going to. I was so confused I didn't understand at all what was going on or why he was doing that. He apologized later but the questions remained in my mind. Then one day I had to nearly beg him to come spend time with me and that very night he broke up with me. I was devastated and still really confused! I didn't understand my heart was broken my mind was scrambled and he didn't even give me an answer!!! I told him that it's the least he could give me and that it was unfair that he wasn't even giving me that. He just said well life's not fair. What kind of answer is that?!?! We still talked a little after that like a month later I suspected to be pregnant. He then wanted me back and told me that he loved me and would want me whether I was pregnant or not. Turns out I'm not which I just found out a couple days ago but he said he still loved me and wanted to work things out. It was odd though because sometimes he wouldn't want anything to do with me. And when I saw him face to face he acted like a jerk! I still love him very much probably more so than I did when we were in the relationship but he's just to undecisive. So I wrote him a letter saying that it was the last time he would hear from me and that I'm sorry for not being a better christian example(that's a whole other story) and that I hope he looks at the good christian examples for influence and not me. I told him to have a great life and that I look forward to seeing him in the future if it's God's will and hopefully he as well as myself would be a great man/woman for God and be really close to Him and all(Although I found out he's partying and drinking like he use too but nothing's impossible I still believe he can change). Anyhow I regretted writing the letter so I tried texting him but he wouldn't text back. After that I regretted texting him and now I'm just still confused and don't know what I want. Obviously I don't want someone who parties and drinks but I do miss how he was before and I do want that man who I fell in love with and came so close to marrying. I just don't know what to do with myself I try to move on I really do and you know sometimes its harder than other time. I have moved on in college and stuff and guys have asked me out but I'm just not interested in anyone but him. I do cry sometimes and it's not only because we're not together but also because where he is in the world and how he went from growing in God so much to not wanting anything to do with church or anything. It just breaks my heart and I'm still confused. He told me he'd tell me the reason he broke up with me later on when he feels that I'll understand better but I just don't understand why he can't tell me he can't possibly hurt me anymore. I'm just left with so many question a broken a heart and wishing that things could be different. I wish there was a way to get in his mind to understand him but I can't and I just don't know what to do now.

Answer
Unfortunatly, it seems when someone does the breaking up we never really get closure or all the answers that we want. I too have found this out the hard way. And even though its really hard to let go, you have to be able to do that. Its like you said, you can't really ever go into his mind to figure out what he is thinking or why he does what he does.
I am glad you realized not to text him or contact him anymore as it will just keep setting you back in trying to move on.
Its natural that right now you are not interested in dating anyone and you just need to take time to heal before you can go out there and feel ready. Theres nothing wrong with that.
And yes, some days are going to be a lot harder than other days, that is part of the healing process.

Unfortunatly, he has chosen the life he is living right now, and either he will continue on that path or find his way back to church and God..but of course that is up to him and only him.

But in order to heal you really need to let go..and not worry too much about him or why he did what he did. You may or may not ever get the answers.
I've had horrible break ups where I didn't get any honest answers why we broke up but I let it go by telling myself it is what it is..he doesn't want to be with me, and theres absolutely nothing I can do about it. I never tried to get someone to come back. I would rather have someone come back because they want me. And I didn't ask questions because it seems to hinder the moving on process..the more they tell you, it seems the more questions you have anyway.

You just gotta tell yourself that theres a reason for all this, and one day you will be able to look back and see that it makes sense.

I hope this helps. I know its not very comforting, but nothing really is during a painful break up. The only thing that helps is time..and you can speed it up a little by letting go..

Good luck

Julie

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Julie

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I can answer questions about break ups, and how to move on..I've been through a few of them myself and have learned what to do and what not to do in order to heal, move on, or try to get someone back. No guarantees as each individual is different but I can do my best to help!!

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I am a good listener and have helped friends get through break ups, I also have gone through a few myself and know how hard it is..if you just need to vent or need advice, feel free to ask

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