Expert: ***ERICA*** - 9/22/2009

Question
I'm sorry if you are not the right person to ask, but there are no experts on here for gay dating issues and you seem like the kind of person who could branch out. This is what's going on: I'm 20 and I'm gay. I just started coming out to my closest friends a little over 2 months ago. And i was suddenly the happiest that i had ever been as i was no longer hiding who i am from them. Most of them were accepting to a degree at least but still have issues with homosexuality. But that's not the heart of the current issue. Shortly after i started coming out, I met someone. He is everything that i had ever dreamed of. I don't take dating lightly and this was my first relationship. I decided to date him after a few weeks of hanging out and realizing that i could see us having a future together. Everything was perfect. I told him that he was the first guy i had dated and that i wanted to take things slow and he was ok with that because he had had many relationships in the past turn into sex-based affairs. So we started dating. staying up late talking about everything under the sun. we went to parks and climbed trees and were happy just doing nothing and being with each other. After we had been together for a month, we were making out one night and went a little farther than i had planned at the time. The next day he didn't call like he had said he would. and he stood me up on a date the day after. So i was assuming the worst. i.e. that he was just after sex the whole time and was now done with me. well we finally met up. and he told me that he didn't have time for himself anymore. that he has allot of emotional baggage that he needs to sort out so that he can find out who he is. He said that he thinks we went too fast as far as seeing each other everyday. I asked him if it had anything to do with us having sex a few days prior and he said no not at all. "sex has never been that big of a deal to me." Then he says he wants to get to know each other as friends and see if we still want to be together in the future.

Firstly let me say that i love him. and that is the only reason i had sex with him. because I do see it as a big deal. He is the first person who i have ever felt strongly enough about to be that intimate. and it hurts that he blew it off like it was nothing. second, how could we possibly be friends when i can't see his picture without sobbing? This is the first real relationship i have ever been in and i don't know how to get over him...or if i want to. before he left he told me to call him when i would be able to hang out with him as his friend. And i don't think i would be able to be with him without wanting to be in his arms again, or holding his hand, or holding him. its just too hard. and i don't know what to do now or where to turn. What do you do when the person you love tells you that he doesn't want to see you?

Answer
Dear Erich,
Congratulations on being true to who you are and for coming out.... Relationships whether they are amongst straight or gay people are relationships.  I am sorry to have to tell you this but this man did not care about you the way that you cared about him and it sucks because this was your first experience.  I am sorry that you are feeling this pain.  It is impossible to be friends with this individual because you were intimate with him and trusted him and he hurt you.  So, why would you or should you be friends with him?  He just isn't that into you and it doesn't have anything to do with you.  We are interested in people who reject us and we reject those that may be interested in us ~ it is just the dynamics of people.  Learn from this... learn to look for the red flags that may have shown up during the time you were with this person... learn to love hard, but slowly.... and most importantly please don't let this one bad experience keep you from loving and trusting again because someone that you will meet will think you are the most FABULOUS person in this world..... Good Luck