Expert: Julie - 9/17/2009

Question
QUESTION: My girlfriend just brok up with me on August8th 09. We had been together for 2 1/2 yrs. The last year she  started breaking up with me because I started taking her for granted, not talking to her in general and shutting her out, arguing constantly over the smallest things and generaly not showing i did love and care for her. I couldn't say i was wrong or apologize. The last 6 months the arguing got to be an every other day thing and breaking up was around 2 x/wk. She was trying to tell me that she loved me and asked me to read the 5 languages of love and men are from mars and women are from venus. I said i would but never did. Each time we broke up we both became a little less into the realtionship. We still talked of gettinng married and having a family if we could just stop arguing and I could show some compassion care and concern for her hurt feelings. i was just shut down and knew it was coming to an end. I love her with all my heart and wanted to change but was too stubborn prideful and selfish. The last argument wa the last straw. i had just pushed her beyond her limits. She was so tired of this all and how I came to make her feel worthless and not loved and I didnt care enough to change while she was with me.

We spent a week a part and then she called to talk at her house. She is 33 and never married and owns a home close to mine (1Mi) we are both firefighters but different cities. When i came over my things were packed, she had done this before but this time i knew was different. I was crushed. She cried for the first time in a long time and said she would give anything to not be going through this. Had I only read the books and just showed some sign of caring we wouldnt be here but she just couldnt do it anymore.

I called 2 weeks later and we talked an she was upset that i was in counseling and read not just 2 but 4 books and making changes to my own life in a posotive way. She wanted that when we were together. I sent flowers and a card on her birthday 3-4 weeks after the breakup date. She called me the next day and said "Thank you for the card and flowers, i appreciated them and it was a nice gesture, hope your doing well, talk to you later."  ! week after that I had a birthday and no card or call or anything. I had during the week between our birthdays sent a 4 page apology detailing what the issues i were apologizing for and how I see it hurt her and acknowledge and understand hwo I hurt her and That the books and counseling was not just a fad but i am following through. Nothing.

On 9/11 whe knew i woudl be at a bar memorial for 9/11 and she showed up with all her g/friends and i tried to talk to her and she just said hi how are you and then walked away. She didnt appear to even care about me or my feelings. I tried again but she was just very short and polite, i knew she didnt eant to get into a deep conversation with all of our mutual friends there.

I called her Sat. the 12th and we had an hour long conversation where she just told me to move on and whe was never going to get back together with me. She was mad at me again for making a lot of progress but that i couldnt do it while we were together. She said had i done it a montha ago we would still be together. She was quoting out of her diary from arguments of 2 yrs ago andthat she shouldve broke up with me then.

I realize now how much hurt i have caused her and my own issues now. Her family told me i was the first guy she ever talked about having a family and lifetime comittment with, she also told me that is why she stayed so long. Cause she felt we were worth it and going to make it and we would be so much stronger. Now that she is done it is quite the opposite, we were never meant to be and things we had worked out before were now used as fuel for the fire.

Do i have a chance? My plan is to forgive myself eventually, keep counseling, from the counselor who saw us a year ago, and i am keeping reading books. I am not going to stop being a better person withor without her. I just need a chance in the future to show her i have changed.

Thanks,Andy

ANSWER: I think right now things are still too fresh in her mind and she still has a lot of resentment and anger.
I do believe you definitly have a chance. I went through this with a bf before and it wasn't until he broke up with me that I opened my eyes and started to get help in dealing with my issues. He insisted we were still over but I kept working on myself. But a few months later, he gave me another chance, alls it took was for me to back off and give him space to work out his anger and hurt, once he was able to do that..he started to miss me and thought about giving me another chance to see if what I learned would really help.
So I do believe you have a chance, as long as you continue to do what your doing and give her space.. from the sounds of it, it sounds like you've been doing good with that. Putting pressure on anyone will almost always backfire.

I know she's upset you didn't do this during the relationship but a lot of time it takes something like this to shake things up and open your eyes to finally do something. Its very common actually.
When you talk to you, try not to 'convince' her your still working on yourself..that in itself is still an indirect form of pressure, trying to prove something to her. She knows now, so I'd leave it at that and never bring up the relationship or asking about another chance. Its all going to be up to her anyway. Just continue doing what your doing and let her have a chance to work through the issues she had during the relationship. It sounds like she still loves you so theres always a chance.

Good luck

Julie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Julie thanks for your genuine response. Since the meeting on 9/11 and the phone call the next day I had called her sister abnd her neighbor not to keep tabs but to apologize on the way I treated Deanna. Deanna then called me on the 14th and asked me politley to not calle her neighbor, family or friends and that she didnt want to hear how I am doing from them and for me to stop selling myself to all of them and telling them how much progress I am making. I said your right and I respect you and will move on. She is a very independant, closed personality. I am finding out she has told very little to the majority of her friends and even to her sister it was a minimal "Andy and I arent really seeing each other anymore" and that was it. I really hope that me completely falling off the face of the iearth will give her time to heal and then sort out whether or not she misses me. She also told me in the Saturday the 9/12 conversation, I asked if she wanted to see anyone, not that she is or not, but if she wanted to. She sighed and said no, I want to be happy by myself and work on me.

On Tuesday the 14ths conversation she told me shes not mad at me anyomre for working on me and hopes I continue to do so. I avoided asking all the questions I did on Saturday and agreed that she was right aobut everything and that she nows where I stand and how I feel about her. We talked a little and she said if I ever wanted to be friends again to just keep working on me. She really didnt want to give me too much. We have known each other for 8 years as friends before the 2 1/2 yrs of dating. We have a lot of history and she was like a mother to my 4 1/2 year old daughter. She wanted to marry me and have kids but the slow bleed at the last 6 month may have been too much to ever recover from. I made too many false promises and she kept taking me back becasue she loved me and wanted that future. I can only now just take this space and hope love comes back around as I truly believe she did want to marry me and have a family together.  I understand there is WAY TOO MUCH HURT right now and for the last six months but also many reasons to have kept together for so long despite the pain. When it was good it was beyond great.

She did also tell me on 9/14 that if I truely loved her I would have made these changes a month ago. Also she is sorry I am hurting BUT "I hurt for a year". Still a lot of bitterness which I dont blame her. Anyways just some more insight. Still think theres a chance in hell.

Answer
I do think theres still a chance..but only as long as you totally leave her alone as she asked. Its still too soon for her to have had time to heal and work through everything. Once enough time has passed, eventually the good memories start to come back and her mind will be clearer. Its just hard to start missing someone if they are still somewhat a part of their life. Give her some time, she probably also realizes that change doesn't happen overnight.
She's probably worried that even if you have been getting help, if she were to come back now, things would go back to the way they were before..it takes a while for change to happen and sink in and she probably feels its better that you continue to work on the problems apart from the relationship and she's right.
Just continue to do what you've been doing and wait for her to contact you, it may take some time but if she truly loves you and starts to think about another chance, she will contact you.

Julie