Expert: ***ERICA*** - 9/15/2009

Question
My girlfriend just brok up with me on August8th 09. We had been together for 2 1/2 yrs. The last year she  started breaking up with me because I started taking her for granted, not talking to her in general and shutting her out, arguing constantly over the smallest things and generaly not showing i did love and care for her. I couldnt say i was wrong or apologize. The last 6 month the arguing got to be an every other day thing and breaking up was around 2 x/wk. She was trying to tell me that she loved me and asked me to read the 5 languages of love and men are from mars and women are from venus. I said i would but never did. Each time we broke up we both became a little less into the realtionship. We still talked of gettinng married and haveing a family if we could just stop arguing and I could show some compasion care and concern for her hurt feelings. i was just shut down and knew it was coming to an end. I love her with all my heart and wanted to change but was too stubborn prideful and selfish. The last argument wa the last straw. i had just pushed her beyond her limits. She was so tired of this all and how I came to make her feel worthless and not loved and I didnt care enough to change while she was with me.

We spent a week a part and then seh called to talk at her hose. She is 33 and never married and owns a home close to mine (1Mi) we are both firefighters but different cities. When i came over my things were packed, she had donw this before but this time i knew was different. I was crushed. She cried for the first time in a long time and said whe would gie anything to not be going through this. Had I only read the books and just showed some sign of caring we wouldnt be here but she just couldnt do it anymore.

I called 2 weeks later and we talked an she was upset that i was in counseling and read not just 2 but 4 books and making changes to my own life in a posotive way. She wanted that when we were together. I sent flowers and a card on her birthday 3-4 weeks after the breakup date. She called me the next day and said "Thank you for the card and flowers, i appreciated them and it was a nice gesture, hope your doing well, talk to you later."  ! week after that I had a birthday and no card or call or anything. I had during the week between our birthdays sent a 4 page apology detailing what the issues i were apologizing for and how I see it hurt her and acknowledge and understand hwo I hurt her and That the books and counseling was not just a fad but i am following through. Nothing.

On 9/11 whe knew i woudl be at a bar memorial for 9/11 and she showed up with all her g/friends and i tried to talk to her and she just said hi how are you and then walked away. She didnt appear to even care about me or my feelings. I tried again but she was just very short and polite, i knew she didnt eant to get into a deep conversation with all of our mutual friends there.

I called her Sat. the 12th and we had an hour long conv where she just told me to move on and whe was never going to get back together with me. She was mad at me again for making a lot of progress but that i couldnt do it while we were together. She said had i done it a montha ago we would still be together. She was quoting out of her diary from arguments of 2 yrs ago andthat she shouldve broke up with me then.

I realize now how much hurt i have caused her and my own issues now. Her family told me i was the first guy she ever talked about having a family and lifetime comiitment with, she also told me that is why she stayed so long. Cause she felt we were worth it and going to make it and we would be so mcuh stronger. Now that she is donw it is quite the opposite, we were never meant to be and things we had worked out before were now used as fuel for the fire.

Do i have a chance? My plan is to forgive myself eventually, keep counseling, from the counselor who saw us a year ago, and i am keeping reading books. I am not going to stop being a better person withor without her. I just need a chance in the future to show her i have changed.

Thanks,Andy

Answer
Dear Andy,
The best part of your email is where you state that no matter what you are going to continue to improve yourself for you.  This may ~ very well ~ be over, but by doing the things that you need to do for yourself you will be ready for your next relationship.  Obviously, there may be too much damage done with this relationship to repair and overcome.  She may be exhausted ~ emotionally, physically, and mentally.  She is probably angry because she wanted you to do all of these things months ago, but you didn't want to.  Right ~ Wrong ~ or Indifferent - it wasn't important enough and even if you had done the things you wanted to ~ who knows what would have happened.  I think you taking some time for yourself is great!! Regardless of the outcome of the situation ~ if the 2 of you are meant to be together you will be ~ but, you need to obviously work on yourself first because if you have nothing to offer someone emotionally then there is no point in being in a relationship - period.  I wish you the best of luck and really don't know what is going to happen.  It sounds like she is resentful and done, but focus on you and just see what is going to happen.  If you love something set it free if it comes back to you it was meant to be.... Very cliche' but true.... Good Luck