Expert: ***ERICA*** - 9/22/2009

Question
So long story short my ex of year and I broke up a little over a month ago. I was completely devastated and still am. We had a big fight and then broke up the next day. We didn't speak to each other for 3 weeks. He ignored me the one time he saw me at the bar, which killed me. Then an unfortunate event happened to a loved one of mine (a coma) and he found out about it through mutual friends. He contacted me. I went to his place and we talked about this and that. We had your "closure" talk. He said that everything he does is a front. That he does still like me, does really miss me and still thinks of me often regardless of how he had been acting. He thought distance was the best and that's why he hadn't spoken to me for such a long time. He said he wanted to do his own thing. I obviously had to accept that as much as it hurt. A week later i get emails from him saying he wanted to bring me lunch to my work and that he wanted to still get my a bday gift (even though it was over a month ago...we were suppose to take a trip). I politely declined and explained that i felt it inappropriate and much too painful to want/receive anything from him. He said he still wanted to get me something. I had to then be a little bit more blunt with my words. He said he thought he was pushing to be friends too fast but that it was hard and distance would be the best option. We didnt talk for a little over a week and half. I then contacted him about the death of my good friend (who was in a coma). He said for me to come to his place. So i did. I needed his comfort. I cried to him for a long time. He held me and wiped away my tears. caressed my body, held me tight, kissed my cheeks and forehead and said very thoughtful things. I fell asleep in his arms. He didnt let go of me the entire night. He held me so close. All morning we cuddled and afternoon. When i left i told him I missed him and he said he missed me too and to let him know if i needed anything at all or just to talk. He hasn't contacted me since and that was a week ago. Not even to check in on me to see if I am doing ok with the loss of my good friend. I'm really hurt. I know that night was more than just consoling and yes maybe because it was familiar but it felt like he genuinely felt good doing it, as did I. Does he know what he wants?? Are the mixed signals or what?? Im so tired of reading into everything he says or does because hes such an introverted person with his feelings and doesnt talk about them or act on them. I'm tired of hurting but i just miss him so much. I love this man but I will not gravel and beg at his feet...


Answer
Dear Caitlin,
It's great to hear that you won't settle and you shouldn't.  Are there some mixed feelings... probably... BUT, is he showing you that he still cares about you more than as a friend?  Not really ~ NOT ENOUGH.... Have no contact with him and let him miss you.... You gave him his space now let him use it.... When/If he does contact you again ~ you have to be strong and decide if this is what you still want.  He was there for you ~ to what degree ~ noone knows... But, find comfort in knowing that he was a good man and there for you when you reached out to him.  Now to find out how he is really feeling and where this going.... STOP going over his house and have NO CONTACT with him for atleast 90 days..... That is the general rule of thumb... That allows both of you to see if you really miss each other or just miss the thought of being together.... If he wants to be with you ~ he will stop short of almost nothing... Good Luck and sorry to hear about your loss....