Expert: Julie - 9/7/2009

Question
I read a message from someone called Kevin who wrote to Erica with the above mentioned subject.

His story really struck a cord with me as I am going through something very similar; although I live with my ex and can't get out for a few months.

It was a very sudden change with all our plans out the window. He was (is?) going through a very difficult time with alcohol problems and self hatred. I can understand that he needs space and help but he won't get any help and has started spending a lot of time with new friends. He says these new friends have helped him a lot but I know he hasn't told them his issues. They give him a chance to forget about his problems and get on with his art - which is what he wants to do in life.

This is why I am giving him space. But it won't make his problems go away right? Or will it? I am so worried about him.

There is so much  more to this story that I won't bore you with it.

I am just finding it so hard after 2 months when he told me just 2weeks ago that he know I am the one and the only one for him. I can understand he doesnt want to hurt me or put me through the hard times anymore (i can understand that it makes him feel even more of a failure) We had a couple of weeks of falling back into hanging out and sleeping together again but the second i asked him what it meant and why when we were spending time together like a couple, why we couldn't be a couple, he ran away again.

Now I have decided to keep my distance as much as possible and start some hobbies that keep me out of the house and busy. But i can't get out of mind that he said he still loves me and knows I'm the one. I told him I would wait for him no matter how long it takes. But I am scared that he will never come back.

I can't deal with it anymore. I have tried top plan keeping myself busy and seeing friends. It still hurts more than anything ever (i have had two bad break-ups before but this was it for me. i had truly found the one for me)

I can't get rid of this awful pain every morning i wake up. it dulls down during the day but it's still there. I know it should/will get better...so I was told. But it's just not.

I am also hoping Kevin reads this and let's us know he's ok. I have also had some VERY dark thoughts and I have never been someone to consider taking my own life. But I can't carry on feeling this way and dealing with this pain. I hope you are ok Kevin!

Answer
I hope Kevin is okay as well. We all have dark thoughts when going through pain, I know that I have been there as well. But I also know it will pass and that its not worth doing anything to yourself for someone.  I remember going through an extremely painful break up years ago, I was in pain over this guy for two years and I had those thoughts but they were fleeting. Now thank God I didn't because even though at the time I never thought I'd get over him, I eventually did. Now he means nothing and I barely think about him or that time, its just a faded memory and I'm glad I got through it. All of us eventually get through a break up no matter how traumatic.

Its hard for you to move on right now because you two are still living in the same place together. You need as much time away from him and distance as possible. He needs to sort out his issues in the meantime, he's obviously not relationship material right now.

I understand how hard it is for you, the mornings are always the worse. Its going to take a lot more time before you come to terms with it and before you start to feel better but so far you are doing all the right things for youself in order to move on. One thing, don't ever tell him you will wait for him and don't wait for him. Doing that is only setting yourself up for heartache if things don't work out and you'll have to start over from square one. Also by telling him that won't give him any incentive to work on himself so he can work towards being with you again. As long as he knows he 'has you' then why work towards really having you??

Let him know you support him in his decision but that you need to do whats best for you. Trust me, telling someone you love them after a break up, and telling them you will wait is futile.
Not saying play games with him but distance yourself and don't give in to sex, affection, nothing. He ended it so let him live with the consequence of that.

This way at least you don't have your hopes up in case nothing happens and you will already have started to work on getting over him. And if things do work out then great, at least you have been able to work through your emotions in the meantime and find balance within yourself.

Good luck

Julie