Expert: ***ERICA*** - 9/21/2009

Question
Hi erica.
I am 23 years old, About 6 months ago my girlfriend broke up with me.  When we first started dating when i was 20, (she was 19)things were great.  we had been friends and fooling around for many many years through highschool but we never hooked up until then.  Again, things were great.  we were madly inlove.  I did not have a job at the time but i was trying hard to find one.  I didnt know what i wanted to do in life so I took her advice into going into woodworking school.  We both enrolled together and were in the same class.  We spent ALOT of time together, we'd sleep together every night and spend the day at school.  Things got shakey at times over money and such but it would work out.  I would have the odd job during school while she worked at a restaurant shed been working at for years. She always told me shed love me forever no matter what and hoped to one day start a family with me.  I remember telling her 'you cant say that, peoples lives change and so do they. People grow apart. BUT, i think that i love you enough to make it through a changing life and keep it together no matter what, no matter where we end up as individuals.' she said that was the sweetest thing anyones ever said to her.  Ofcourse i ment it with all my heart.  I still do even after weve splitted.  Anyway the past few months of our relationship got very shakey.  I lost my job in the aerospace industry and I was struggling.  I was sort of entering a 'quarter life crisis'.  I didnt know what i wanted or where i wanted to go in life.  Rest assured my feelings for her never changed.  It was about myself and what i wanted out of a career.  I started to become very bitter and angry with myself for my indecisiveness and confusion.  I began to drink alot and there were 2 seperate occasions where i would be drunk and be a total prick to her.  Not only that but I would follow her appologizing. And even show up at her house afterwards to appologize.  And for the record. its not because I am crazy or obsessed of that sort.  I guess we hit a comfort level because i was always at her house. it was like i lived there so i never saw any wrong with showing up at her house.  I do see it now because it wasnt our house it was her parents's and that its definately not a good idea to get in someones space right after uve hurt them. Anyway.  After that I gave her space but i was devastated. so was she.  So we'd talk to eachother usually crying over the phone to eachother of that sort talking about how much we love eachother blah blah blah.  She told me she just needed some time with her girlfriends and on her own.  SHe said just work on you're own stuff and we'll be ok.  I went to AA and counselling to stop drinking so much and to figure out this personal crisis i was having.  She finally agreed to have dinner with me a month after we split and it was lovely.  I had been working and gettin help and I was well on my way to a better life and a better relationship.  After dinner we went and hung out with some friends and had a great time.  I asked if I could sleep at her house at the end of the night and she started to tear and said no.  I could understand why she said no so I said thats all good, dont worry, dont cry.  We left together in a cab, i got dropped off at home , we kissed and parted ways.  It was a lovely evening.  the next night however wasnt so lovely.  We made plans with friends to go out to the pub.  A friend and I got there earlier and she and a friend arrived abit later.  By the time they got there my friend and I had already had a few.  We sat around a table laughing and socializing etc etc.  At one point i asked my gf if i could crash at her house.  This time she coldly said 'no'.  I took this personally and became abit bitter.  I started to tease her and stuff infront of our friends and she became very aggrivated and decided to leave.  Long story short, I followed her, she closed the cab door in my face.  I got in a cab to her house.  Her sister let me in the house, and upon seeing me started to freak out and hit me over and over.  I left.  I called the next morning to tell her i was sorry and yeh, as u guessed she called me an idiot, that i blew it and that it was over for good.  I tried to call her over and over which was stupid.  I quit drinking for a month and we began to talk again.  Sometimes shed answer for days on end or call me and then suddenly stop calling and stop answering my calls for days or weeks.  And this has been going on for about 6 months now.  Hot and cold.  When shes hot we hang out together, listen to music together and talk on the phone alot.  When shes cold she ignores me, when i try to talk to her she gives me the sighs and eyeroll 'you're so annoying' looks. and since we have the same circle of friends she'll often start her passive aggressive behavior.  Flirting/sleeping with my friends, being touchy feely with guys infront of me, telling me i'm annoying etc..things she KNOWS will get under my skin.  I react, and we end up arguing and making a scene infront of our friends.  A mutual girlfriend told me that shes(my ex) is angry at herself for being so inlove with me for so long or as she put it: mad for being so 'weak' for me. After a 2 - 3 week period of no contact in around the end of june she started calling me and again, carefully only when she knew i was with friends and shed ask if it was cool we hung out.  I said yes its cool just come on by.  We started hanging out again but this time i wouldnt call her.  On the night of june 30th we ended getting a little drunk together and going out on the town with our friends.  The whole night she was touchy and we were holding hands and such.  We ended up fooling around that night.  She cried abit and so did I admitedly and we kind of held eachother for a long time kissing eachother.  We took a cab home and i got let off at home.  we kissed for a long time and she was on her way.  The nezt day she came and met up with me and a friend at the canada day fireworks and things were a little weird.  I tried to put my hand around her but she refused.  I thought it was normal since we were in the presence of friends she might be abit relunctant to publicize our 'reunion'.  I thought the same too, I was a little weirded out and I didnt want my guy friends to think i was some sucker gettin ready to be crushed again. We hung out all night, got food in a bar after the fireworks and then we walked home together, talking and laughing etc.  We got to her front door and i went to kiss her goodnight but she pulled away and proceeded to tell me that the night before was a mistake.  Yep.  I was played. I was deeply upset by this for a couple days, weeks after and we would call eachother and try to talk about stuff and I would hint at talking about our past and how the future is different and better (i had stopped drinking so much, i had a steady job in my field of skill and I was less emotionally dependant on her). She would always stay shut about it and not elaborate on anything she would say or anything I would say.  She would tell me Im her best friend and all that jazz and she doesnt want to lose me.  We would talk every day from then on.  Then she stopped calling so often. and then less often and less until we didnt speak anymore and I started to get the passive aggressive stuff from her.  I figured  out (or atleast i think i figured out) why she does these things.  She gets close to me again after periods of no contact. and when she realized or feels the feeling of love again or 'weakness' she pulls out right away, and then the passive aggressive behavior is to get under my skin, get a reaction from me and fight to remind herself and assure herself of her decision she made to split.  Which makes sense.  I don't know im not an expert but this theory was also backed up from another mutual girlfriend of ours.  But, I am glad to say that I think i am finished with these games.  I thought I could deal with being her friend and sucking up my feelings for her, and Im sure she thought the same.  But it just isnt possible.  I thought i could wait for her forever while moving on with my life.  But it just isnt possible.  When i have no contact with her i feel myself moving on .not so much from her, but from dwelling on the situation.  That being said, when these games come into play, i start to lose focus on my work and life direction and begin to focus on her.  It's a hit or miss situation i think at this point, either we get back together or we stay away from eachother. Theres no inbetween.  I've even told our mutual friends that I love them all and its no offense to them but since we do everything together, i wont be around anymore for social occasions when shes around. I have been almost losing my mind for the past 6 months, terribly depressed, struggling to keep up routines and dreaming of her almost everynight.  Struggling between moving on and missing her terribly.  But the last incident of our behavior and fighting she said some very hurtful things (which isnt new to me since shes done it many times before and had relations with my close friends)I think i've had enough.  I am more angry now at myself for having such respect and patience with someone who shows no equal to me.  I'm not gonna subject myself to mind games and rejection anymore.  That being said, the anger is passing and only my goal remains: to stay away from her and live my life the way I want to. I am not going to wait around being played and subjected to looking like the same asshole i once was.  By the way, she has recently started university and another theory i had was that she still has feelings for me but she feels that school will present to her a whole new world of opportunity to meet someone new and better so that contributes to her on/off behaviour.  anyway, thanks for the ear i know its alot but my question after all this is, Am I crazy? or am I right to feel this way?? Am I heading in the right direction to getting her back or moving on atleast? it feels good, but im worried about the fact that this new revelation was spurred out of deep anger towards her.  I feel like I am going through waht SHE went through when we first split and i dont want any of this to repeat itself!

Thank you very much I hope you can shed some light on this very confusing situation!!

Answer
Dear Ty,
You can't go to AA and counseling and sort of quit drinking.  You have to make a decision for yourself that drinking isn't a good idea for you. With that said.... this is definitely not a healthy relationship.  The 2 of you obviously know how to get under each other's skin, are slightly addicted to each other, and don't know how to put closure on a sticky situation.  I would suggest that you make some new friends that aren't going to be around her, focus on getting sober and finding a job/career that makes you happy, and take some time for yourself.  This back and forth stuff is only going to continue to cause heartache for the both of you.  A lot of damage has been done and when a period of time goes where you don't contact her and she reaches out to you ~ be the stronger person and not respond because both of you continue to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results... that is the definition of insanity.  Let her go and allow her to be happy as well as yourself.  You have to find your direction in life and then and only then will you be able to give of yourself to someone else.