Expert: Julie - 9/14/2009

Question
Hi!! Hope you can help!!!

Ok here we go!! Me and my ex had been dating for just over a year, the relationship was absolutely amazing, agreed by both parties, we spent all a lot of time together and loved being around each other, the sex life was great, and it was the best relationship ever. We are both 28 year old and we are definitely not getting any younger. So to say the least I am completely in love with this girl and I was pretty sure she was the one, taking into consideration her actions and words toward me. Now just over a week ago she started acting a little weird and she finally came out with it. She says our relationship has been amazing and I’m an amazing guy but something inside her and only something inside her is telling her that I just might not be the one, and she wishes she didn't feels that way and she was very emotional. She stands by that reason and she would of told me if there was another, like maybe another guy or something and I know her really well and I’m almost 100% sure there isn’t. Now to say the least I was SHOCKED, she told me this and I didn’t know how to react to is so we kind of let it go for that day. So after having some time to think about it we talked again the next day and I accepted her feelings for what they were and didn’t try to convince her or put any pressure on her at all. Again she was very emotional and confused about it. She kept saying she hoped she doesn’t regret it and that I was amazing and she wished she didn’t have this feeling inside her because of how much I mean to hear. I told her I respect her feeling and was pretty much consoling her while she was crying. Well when it was time to say goodbye she wouldn’t and we were hugging and we started kissing and she wouldn’t let me say the words goodbye because she thought they sounded like forever, so after that I said I’ll see you later and left.
Now a week went by with no communication whatsoever and trust me I was dying inside, I was a wreck and it was probably the worst week of my life. So yesterday I call her and we talked just casually about what each other were up to and nothing serious at all, so I ask her I she would like to together and go for a ride or what ever and she says yes. The reason I asked her to do this was for a couple of reason’s, first I feel like I didn’t get my closure from the last talk and I needed it cause she kind of left it up in the air, second I was curious to see how she was doing and how she would react to my presence, third I wanted to make sure she knew that I was still there for her no matter what and that things don’t have to awkward and that she’s my best fried and I want things to be cool but also letting her know that I’m fine and that I need to go on with my life.
So were driving and were getting close to my house and after 30 min of just talking of whatever she comes out says is there something in particular you wanted to talk about. That’s when I said “kind of” and I went on to say to tell her that its been a little weird not talking to her but I didn’t tell her how much I’ve been hurting, and that I wanted her to know that I feel like I’ve lost my lover and my friend and that I would like her to know that I am there for her no matter what and if she ever needs me don’t hesitate and that I won’t assume anything if she does, just basically saying I’m here for her. Well she starts talking and telling me that this week has been really really hard for her, she can’t eat, sleep, needs to stay busy, all those things and that again she wished she didn’t feel this way and that if would be really easy to get back together and keep going like it used to be but she was still unsure of her feelings and it wasn’t fair to me and to her to keep going. Also that she agrees with everything I said and appreciates the way I am handling the situation but it’s making it more difficult because she wishes I was just a jerk about it. I told her that everything happens for a reason and who knows what the future has in store and that life has a funny way of working things out, but I also made sure to tell her its life and I accept it but that I needed to keep living my life and she will get all the time and space she needs. So that was pretty much the just of the conversation and we ended it on a great note by understanding where each other were at with this and we hugged I said something to make her laugh and I went on my way.
So to end my story I feel like I got my closure which I desperately needed, I wish she would come back to me but I don’t want to live my life with any false hope, but I will miss her with all my heart, and I hope she will too. It sounds bad but I think I felt better knowing that she still hasn’t come to terms with it yet I didn’t expect her to yet its only been a week but I think I have somewhat and I’m on the right path. But my questions to you are
Do you think I handle to situation right? Is there anything I should have done different? Is there anything I should or shouldn’t do from this point on? Has anybody else been in a similar situation and how did it work? Do you think she may realize what she lost? Do women eventually change their minds?


Answer
I think you did great in handling things with her. You didn't pressure her, and you gave her the space she asked for. So I don't think theres anything you could've done different..you did exactly what you should have. And yes I was in a similar situation before, when my ex broke up and it was because he didn't know what he really wanted. I handled it well, not at first, at first i tried to convince him why we were perfect for each other and why he should be with me. Then after doing that, I pushed him away, which is usually the case when pressuring someone. Then I left it and gave him space and it took three months but he came back.

Since she feels torn up inside over this and you guys didn't break up over a huge fight or other major issues then yes theres a very good chance she may realize what she lost and decide to come back, just right now she seems confused and needs to figure things out. It may not be right away it may even be a month or so..not to give you false hope, just that theres always a chance to get back together, especially if you give her space and let her have the chance to miss you.

So keep doing what your doing, even though it hurts and you will probably get impatient. Don't put your life on hold either and sit around 'waiting' and hoping for her to come back either, thats not healthy.

good luck

Julie