Expert: Dr. Dan - 2/14/2010

Question
I have been in a relationship for almost 1 1/2 years with someone I love very very much. Reasons I feel are clear to be understanding and not just lustly excuses to be with someone. However, I have a growing and pivotable problem with my relationship with her. She has broken up with me so many times I can not count them on both my hands. Most recently its been 3 times in the last two weeks. Now I could go into each individual reason for each, but at the end of the day at this point I feel the constant back and forth is just causing me to run out of love for her. I have noticed myself withdrawing from her, I stop wanting to do thoughtfull things for her, things that would come to me even just the little sweet things and before I wouldn't hesistate to do them because I was greatly wanting to improve our relationship. However, the months have gone by and I am still going through the same behavior of these break ups with her. And now I am at a point of "why should I do those thoughtfull things, it's not going to help, she is just going to break up with again and hurt me again". I feel bad. I don't want to be a douche bag about it but I just can't take the constant breaking up. It's really childish. I tell her how I feel and she agrees and acknowledges it. But it still happens. With Valentine's Day tomorrow I know the "me" 4 or 5 months ago would not have hesistated to go out of my way to something sweet for her. But now, I have no drive to want to do anything. And I feel bad about it but I can't help it. She says I don't appreciate her. Well she doesn't appreciate me. It's just a huge circle we are going around. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have never thought it made sense to break up with someone who you really deep down do love. But at the same time you feel hurt by them over and over again with no signs of improvement. I guess that same idea could be applied to someone who is constantly beaten by their boyfriend too. They love them, yet they feel constantly hurt by them. Indirectly, I guess I am in the same boat except I hurt emotionally from constantly getting broken up with. It's just how do I deal with her? How do I stick to my guns and not feel sorry. Not feel like I don't want to hurt her or make her cry, yet I don't want to keep hurting either. I am just confused and I know I am at a crossroads right now. Please help. Thanks.

Answer
David thanks for taking the time to write in for help with this.

I have been there myself in the past. Unfortunately you cannot control her emotions and no matter how you break up she will be hurt and cry. But she is not your responsibility. She is responsible for her own life. She obviously has some issues in her past either from her past relationships or someone close to her. But somewhere in her life she learned that breaking up and making back up equals love. This is a very destructive arrangement. I am not going to call it a relationship because it is more like a relation-canoe. Either get relationship coaching or its time to move on because this will not fix itself.

Dr. Dan


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