Expert: Harry Ax - 12/19/2011

Question
Hello. I'm a 24 year old female. I've been dating a 24 year old male for close to a year. I've recently came out of this relationship and I guess the main reason why it's so difficult to get over it would be because it's ended so unexpectedly.

It started off with him moving interstate and we had several discussions on whether I should move as well to join him. He's afraid of commitment in general, therefore asking me to join him interstate is a huge step for both of us. Before he moved, it was decided that I will join him as soon as my work contract has ended. In fact, things are going well despite the distance that I've bought tickets to visit him during the New Year.

However, the topic of commitment came up again during one phone conversation, at which he mentioned that he's happy with his current lifestyle of being able to meet new people. That kept me silent, and he noticed that it upset me because I had interpreted it as being that he's happier off without me. He started thinking about the responsibility of having me move interstate to be with him and how he couldn't be able to bear it if things go wrong between us. In addition to that, he mentioned that while he's happy with me, he's just not ready to settle down and admits to thinking about the possibility of other girls around.

I had once casually mentioned that I'd like to be married at the age of 28,ideally and I guess I scared him on this because he said that he can't imagine settling down at such a young age. He loves me, and thus he was unwilling to break it off despite the fear of commitment. Out of frustration, I ended our relationship instead. I have been in regret ever since. I rang him after that, but he seemed to have cleared his mind and is certain that he is unable to commit to me.

Now I'm just thinking about how everything could just go wrong without a warning, and I tend to blame myself. I'm unsure as to how much of commitment I'm really expecting of him, and how important it would be at this stage. Moving interstate isn't really a bit deal for me as I don't have an extending work contract waiting for me in my current place, therefore I'm flexible with work.

Part of me is tempted to ask him to try to work things out again, because we really do get along very very well. But another part is my ego, which is telling me not to go begging for someone who doesn't want you. I'm not sure if I should admit defeat, or fight for who I love.

I'm sure as the saying goes that time will heal everything, but at this moment the pain and hurt is just killing me. I'm forcing myself to get back into my routine, which helps only a while, if only to have myself slump back into depression where everything reminds me of him.

What should I do?

Answer
Hi unfortunately this guys interest level in you was always minimal and so he was always going to leave so don't blame your action. Best thing is too move on and never contact him again. Take up new hobbies and meet new people until you are happy and validated as a women with yourself and not the need for a guy. Then you will be in a good emotional state to find someone else.