Expert: Ava Fielding - 3/14/2011

Question
I am 18 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years. We starting dating when I was only a freshman in highschool, and he was a senior. We have had a really good relationship and been through so much together. My friends from high school got married and have children, but he has always remained by my side. We have endured death of family members and even me learning that my father was not my biological father a year ago.

Through the years, we have had our ups and downs. We broke up once, and I was really hurt, but it was more towards the beginning of our relationship, and I love him now much more than I ever thought I could.

Unfortunately, since I was so young when we got together, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to date other men; but I always realize how much he means to me. He is my very best friend and has always loved me no matter what.

I was raised in a broken home, and he was raised in a tightly knit highly religious family. His parents have been married for 25 years, and all of his siblings are best friends. His family and mine have become very intertwined over the years. His m other calls me "daughter" and his brother calls me his sister.

Now the point I am at now is difficult. I always wanted to leave my hometown for college, but when the time came, I just couldn't leave him. I figured I could wait for four years and leave with him once we graduated and got married. But now I have this overwhelming desire to leave. You see, because of my upbringing I am a much more independent person than he. And when I found out about my father all I wanted to do was leave and be my own person; "find myself."

You see, I don't want to leave him but this feeling of wanting to leave won't go away. So, I applied for student exchange for next fall. I recently got new that I was accepted into a school that is literally  across the country. I am excited about it! I am only going for one semester, and I will fly back a few times. If we have made through everything else, we can do this. However, ever since I told him the news he won't even look at me. All he can say is that I don't love him because I am leaving him. He is becoming depressed and there is so much pressure on me.

I do not want to lose him. When I told him, "we can do this", he said, "I don't want to fucking do this." He will never understand why I am leaving, and I can't explain to him. I am afraid that I will lose everything I have in him and his family if I leave. He told me he doesn't think he can be with me if I leave; i sign the papers on wednesday. Help me. please.

Thank you

Answer
Hello Brenna,
  
 Thank you for taking the time to submit your question to me here on AllExperts.  You have reached an important crossroad in your life, and the decisions you make will play a crucial role in your future.  I hope that we can work together to find the best solution to your situation.   

Congratulations to you for the longevity of your relationship, by the way.  You deserve a pat on the back, as it takes a great deal of emotional maturity to make a relationship last during all the changes people face in high school.  

 It is wonderful that you are pursuing your dream of travel and exploration.  Where most people ignore their dreams and end up settling, you have taken the initiative to bring you desires to fruition.  Brenna, you have already come so far by applying and being accepted to an exchange program.  Do not let fear hold you back.

 Now, let's get down to the grit of your question... You are worried about leaving for a semester because your sheltered and family-oriented boyfriend of four years disapproves.  What it boils down to is his insecurity.

For the past four years, you have made the relationship easy for him.  He's close to his family, and he doesn't plan on leaving.  So after he graduated, he stayed nearby - and conveniently, you still had a few years of high school.   After YOU graduated, you chose to stifle your desire to move away for college in order to stay close to him.

 But now, you see, the urge to explore the world is something you are actively choosing to pursue.  It takes a strong, independent person to follow their dreams - and you are a strong and independent person.  

 It is not my place to make a judgment about your boyfriend's personality.  However, from what you tell me - he seems to be a supportive and worthwhile guy... UNTIL you go against his wishes.  The fact that his response to your encouragement and warmth was "I don't want to ****ing do this," shows me (and should reveal to you) that you both have different ideas for the future.

 If I may, I would like to reference a past client of mine.  For her anonymity, will say her name is Joan.

 Joan came to me here in New York because she was in a situation similar to yours.  She wanted a career that would allow her to travel the world and help people in need.  Her long-term boyfriend was a successful and rather wealthy business man who was happily settled in Manhattan.  When they discussed Joan's desire to travel the world, she was forced to choose between what was comfortable, or what she truly wanted in life.  
 Her boyfriend made it clear that he disapproved of her traveling the world.  You see, in his mind, he made plenty of money for the both of them - and he could better control her if she stayed close by.  

 Now, it is not my intention to say that your relationship will fail if you choose to follow the exchange program.  However, when Joan chose to follow her passion - her boyfriend could not accept her independence and quickly called off their relationship.

There is a bright side to my story, though.   Joan was free to follow her dream.  She is now a successful and high-ranking member of the United States Navy.  She has been traveling the world for several years, and is currently aboard the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Regan.  It was dispatched to the aid of Japan in the wake of their recent earthquake and tsunami.  

Joan is truly LIVING her passion.  She is traveling the world, helping those in need.

 Brenna, I do not know how deeply-rooted your passions lie.  But I believe if you choose to follow your dream of traveling, you will find that the rest of your priorities will fall into place.  

Your exchange program only lasts one semester.  That is a short period of time compared to the rest of your future. If you wish to carry-on your relationship, let him know that one semester is small price to pay for allowing you to find yourself.  If your boyfriend cares about you and your well-being, he should understand that a period of independence and study across the country is what you need.  Be sure to make this clear to your boyfriend.



 You said that you sign your papers on Wednesday.  It is my advice that you speak with your boyfriend about your future together.  These talks are never easy, but it is vital that you bring everything to the table.

 I advise you to speak with him AND his family about your decision to study across the country.  He seems to respect them and cherish their role in his life.  As you say, they also view you as their daughter - and they will only want the best for you.  Perhaps with their blessing, your boyfriend can see that this program has the potential to be beneficial to your relationship in the long run.  :)

I hope that my advice will prove to be useful to you.  If you have any further questions, do not hesitate to contact me with a follow-up.

All the best,
  Ava