Expert: Harry Ax - 1/31/2012

Question
its been about 4 years since i have decided to date again, i thought i was ready after being with the same guy for 5 years and finding out he cheated on me, i am now friends with him and we get along just fine, but ive recently started dating a new guy, he knows all about my past, my trust issues, and he has great patience with me, but im having a hard time believing him and trusting him now, and hes not giving me any reasons not to trust him, am i just stuck in this non trusting routine. i try to assure myself its okay to move on, and hes not pushy or getting mad with me when i make these accusations, but i feel horrible allowing him to fix my broken heart that he didnt break. when him n i are together we have such a great time, its just when we are apart i have a hard time. i need some suggestions, trusting exercises? i should mention its not just with him its with women too, a best friend of mine for several years betray my trust and lied to me about almost everything. and i had to find out one night by picking her up after drinking and she just laid it all out. please help in any way that you can thanks

Answer
Your trust issues aren't with other's they are with yourself. Subconsciously (or even consciously) you don't feel you are "good" enough for people so you are trying to test them with these accusations to see if they will pass the tests and stay. You need to do these tests to feel satisfied that they won't leave you or hurt you. However these "tests" are destructive as they will become a self fulfilling prophecy or just simply push the people you care about away. This all comes from a position of very low self esteem so to fix this you need to build self esteem outside of your relationships. This means you have to improve yourself and give yourself reasons to love yourself. The only way to do this is to immerse yourself in your career, new hobbies or education. This will allow you to focus on how good you are at things and will build the tools necessary for your subconscious to allow you to accept people in your life without the constant need to test them.