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How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/I gave him time to sort his things out and now I'm afraid I lost him. Can I do anything to fix it?

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QUESTION: This guy is my housemate. We met about two months ago, when I moved in here. He had a girlfriend at that time but they weren't living together anymore and he was thinking about splitting up with her. We started to talk a lot and he left her but was so sad about it and said that he is happy he finally did it but it isn't easy for him as they were together for a long time. Then, about two weeks after his break up with her, he told me he got a letter from her and she wanted to see him to get answers to some questions. He went to see her. I was sad but trusted him and didn't want to tell him what he can and can't do. He said it would last only 2-3 hrs, but he came back after 6 hrs! He was devastated, told me that he didn't realize she would want to get him back and was sad but told me it was really over now. I was hurt that he still have feelings for her and most likely is just using me not to suffer to much after leaving her. I talked to a friend before he came back and she advised me that I should tell him that maybe he needs some time to sort things out and that we can be together after he is done with his stuff, which I did. He asked me if I'm leaving him and I said yes but then explained that it's only until he knows what he wants. He told me that he was thinking about doing the same thing but he was just afraid how to tell me this, at which point I felt hurt as he just confirmed he didn't really care about me and it was about her all that time. I talked to him  next day and gave him a letter explaining why I did it and what I really meant but he never replied. We talked since then but not about that. I regret it now that I gave him that 'space' on the same day when he came back from the meeting with his ex, as now I thought that he was sad and needed me to be there for him and I kind of left him then. All he wanted to do was me to cuddle him then and support him, and I didn't do it. Now it looks like he will not come back to me, even after all the things with his ex are sorted. Is it because he didn't care about me that much or because I hurt him when he needed me? Is there anything to get him back? I don't want to push him away by insisting that he has to come back :-( Please, let me know what you think! Thanks.

ANSWER: Hi Monica

Unfortunately, you have unwittingly allowed yourself to become this man's "Rebound" relationship, and it was very convenient for him to do this, since you were right under his own roof.....

Men look at love and life very differently from women. The things which bind us do not bind them.

Sex, looks, doting, caring, these don't really matter. A self-motivated, "together" lady with a lot of interests besides him, does it for most men.

In reality - He simply wanted her back. It had nothing to do with you, you are the casualty of the rebound. He is fine, he made his decision. Now make yours.

MOVE OUT, find a new place, and spend all the time you are now spending trying to figure him out, on figuring out you - and how to get your mind and heart where it needs to be to be happy with yourself, growing in maturity and also later on, to be able to find real man who can show you how special you are. But to do that, you have to know it first about yourself - WORK ON THAT.

If you need help, try some Christian counseling to work out some issues that got you into this situation in the first place, and why you would want someone who did this back in your life.

best to you!
Ask Sonya

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your reply. I was thinking about what you wrote.

A week ago when I came back home he said hello, and asked about my day so I replied and asked about his. He only said: 'My day was good too, thanks. See you later.' and went straight to his room! And he wasn't happy, he looked and sounded as if he is either angry at me, or sad, or indifferent :-( Few minutes later he came to my room and asked if we can talk. He was prepared for a big drama but somehow I found the strength to do the right thing.
He said we are too different, I'm too active (I like playing tennis, doings things outdoors, culture, art, I play guitar, draw, travel, etc.) and to smart for him (I speak several languages and just started studying another one). Said he would never keep up with me...

So yes, actually I have a lot of interests in my life and so far I thought that hobbies are a good thing and attract guys :-( and before you say anything, he's not stupid at all... so why then?
Anyway, my reaction was: OK, I understand, it's fine. He didn't expect that, trust me! Then he relaxed and we started to talk more about us and explain the things. I was sad that he didn't want me but at the same time relieved. Just before we finished talking, he looked at me in a weird way and told me that he was really surprised but our conversation was 'strangely pleasant'. There was no drama whatsoever. He even smiled. We hugged and he asked me if we can stay friends. I kissed him on a cheek.
I'm still sad that it didn't work out and that he didn't really care about me but at the same time I was relieved and he was relieved too. After some time we really might be friends... or maybe not.

It's been a week now and it looks like he is avoiding me:-( Doesn't want to be around me at all, when he does see me he just asks how I am and usually not much more. It's so painful.

I feel so bad, it's really difficult for me. We have birthday on the same day, which is very soon, and we were planning to have a party together. Now it looks like it will be my worst birthday... and so lonely. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't see a sense in my life.

Anyway, what do you think about the whole situation? What would be the right move now?  And for the future, what should I do? I've been through several break-ups by now and they are always so bad. I lost all my hope to finally find a nice guy. They are all leaving me:-( Can't life like this anymore!

I would be grateful for your comments. Thx!

Answer
Hi Monica - some ideas:

Move out before the holidays so you can start fresh.

Next time, and this might sound very odd to do, but "JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT MEN YOU DATE ANYMORE"
That doesn't mean be cold, but it doesn't mean be needy either.

Enjoy dates for exactly what they are and do not anticipate any future life together. Just enjoy the date.

Practice being a beautiful female, and relish in being a woman and getting the attention just for being a classy lady.

Date as often as you like, but never commit. When the man moves forward towards you, allow him if you like him, but don't meet him 1/2 way.  No one likes something they didn't have to work hard for, for long. Men like to pursue  and capture - don't take that thrill away from them.

His shock was that you didn't lose it - his impression of you was one where he did't respect you. Move out with class and move on. Say you found a great place and cant wait to enjoy the holidays. Smile, kiss him on the cheek and say BYE with class.

Then go live without ever giving up your emotions to a man without a much deeper commitment from him FIRST.

Try this, and get counseling about dating and relationships, and why you allowed this in your life and how it keeps happening this way. You can change this for the better! A great book I highly recommend is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

best,

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How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder

Expertise

All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

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BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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