How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Still in love with ex


Hi Sonya -

I hope you can help me, because I can't talk to my family and friends about this.  I was dating a man for ten years. He was the love of my life but the relationship was far from perfect. He was 15 years my senior, divorced, with children. I was happy about that because I don't want to have children and he already had a family (he did 't want more kids either) I had no problems with his ex and she was dating someone else as well.  We clicked on every level, the same interests, passions, etc. the sex was amazing.  However, I have to admit that he was a little immature and selfish.  He would put the needs of himself and even his friends before me and his family.  We had some disagreements regarding him having his friends over and staying at the house. I lived there part-time and maintained an apartment because of this.  I wanted him to compromise with me about number of visits and length of stay but he wouldn't.  Then his mother (who lives 1hr away would come visit and stay) really started interfering in our relationship and he ALWAYS took her side even when she started rearranging the cabinets in kitchen that I cooked in.  Why ten years and no marriage? When I wanted to he didn't and when he wanted to I didn't because my dad had died and I couldn't imagine a wedding without him.  I broke up with him and went back to school, got a new career and threw myself into my work. I stayed single for over a year and now I have been dating someone for a few years but I feel nothing.. It's been 4 years and I am still in love with my ex. He has not tried to contact me at my request and I won't even get out of the car in the town he lives in for fear of running into him. I'll burst into tears. I know I can't go back, but I can't move forward either. I know it doesn't sound like much to miss but when things were good I was in heaven, and when things were bad they were really bad.  What do I do?  I can't afford professional counseling because I don't have health insurance. Thanks for your help.

Dear Gwen, true love is a powerful thing. There is no reason to it sometimes. We can only try to understand why we felt what we did, why we were drawn to that type of individual, and how we can move on.

If I were you, I would spend the time you are using dwelling on him, and finding out more about yourself and why you can't let go. One of the reasons many men don't commit or adapt to compromise is they feel they are having everything done for them, and they like to be the pursuer, the chaser, the decider. You were moved in, cooking, and basically giving him all the benefits of marriage without any work needed from his end.  

That kind of love is deep but has to be reciprocal or it is resented and often not returned. The men simply go find someone they can enjoy the chase with. When you broke up with him, he didn't pursue you - that is huge.

You might go and contact him and see where he is, see if he would like to get together for coffee- but only when you can be calm cool and collected. I don't know whether I would have asked a guy never to contact me. That slammed the door shut on a gentleman, if he was one. If you open the door again and  he meets with you, you may get the answers you seek. If not you know it was mostly one sided, you loving him, and he has moved on.

Let me know how this goes - and DO seek counseling from a church you attend - that is often free of charge.


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Sonya Snyder


All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.


I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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