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How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/I am still in love with my Ex boyfriend..what to do?

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My ex boyfriend and I are both 23 years old,we broke up about a week ago after almost 3.5 years of dating…..because he said he doesn’t feel anything with me anymore and he’s in love with this new girl.

He actually asked this girl whom he met only a few weeks ago at university out one day before we broke up. This girl is an exchange student from Korea (my ex is also a Korean lived in Hong Kong for almost all of his life and I am from Hong Kong). Can he really forget everything that happened in the past 3 years? He was so sure that he will marry me just a month ago…and he told his family and closest friends about it.
We decided to get married once he has enough money..we did set a target amount. And he’s been working hard on it. But I dont understand how he can just change like that in a blink…we’ve been so good. And it was my birthday a few days ago…he forgot to get me my birthday present and we broke up a few days before my birthday. And he said he wont be a good guy for me..his heart is not in me at this moment and it’s been like this for a while. He thought it could come back but it didn’t and he’s all crazy about the girl, he couldn’t stop thinking about her, couldn’t even sleep because he misses her so much. He said it’s wrong to date me while his heart is in someone else. I saw him the day after we broke up because we had to teach together. And everything was so normal…we talked like before, we both felt so comfortable, the only difference is we dont hold hands anymore..it’s heartbreaking seeing him text the other girl…in front of me…I even talked to him about his new gf…I asked whats so good about her. He said he doesn’t know (of course he doesn’t he barely knows this girl!! they only met like a few weeks ago during class and he never actually talked to her until recently..)…and when i asked..dont you feel like we’re still together or we can be together..he said his answer is not no….he said I confuse him….He said he knows the choice he made was stupid but he really doesn’t feel anything for me so he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He said he’s immature..not ready to commit yet.

While we were dating..we see each other almost every day…he’s a student at the same university with me for 2 years and he also works at his dad’s Taekwondo school full-time. So he’s always a busy guy and I myself met him at this Taekwondo place. So i always go and help him out with his work. And when we were at school together we see each other very often. But I graduated in May and he’s still in school for his final year now…during the summer I was very worried that he’ll find another girl at school and dump me…I talked to him about it and he promised me so many times that he doesn’t even feel interested in any other woman but me…and he promised he’ll marry me for sure until a month ago..And I went on holiday in the States with my family for 2 weeks. He picked me up at the airport the day I returned with this little cute couple presents…But ever since i was in US he’s already quite cold to me..not texting me often and when I do text him he doesn’t reply with much passion..just replying with a few words…this is probably when he started developing feelings for the other girl..when i came back he told me he feels empty…but he’s sure it’ll come back…but ever since i came back..things just different…he weren’t as sweet as before and he always says he wants to go home early coz he had too much work (which is also true…coz his final exams and deadlines are all approaching in these 2 weeks)..I am a very helpful girl..I help him with many things work or his personal life…he depended a lot on me…he doesn’t do much for me except he makes me happy all the time..he’ll sometimes buy little gifts to surprise me..just a month ago because after I graduate I worked at his Taekwondo school for 2 months full time…and all of a sudden he got me a flower just because he feels like it…and now everything’s just gone…and when he said break up with me..We went to my place to pack all his belongings…and when i started giving him his stuff…he started crying like crazy……..And I gave him a lift home…well he drove coz he believed I wasn’t emotionally stable to drive..he was crying all the way from my place to his place…then we said bye..he kept saying if we’re meant to be together we will be later on..who knows…what he said always gave me hope..i dont know what to do..

i know many say once a guy cheat he’ll always do the same…but I still love him so much I want to be with him….so badly…..even though he’s with the girl now. I dont feel mad at all…I just know the girl is back in Korea and long distance relationship usually doesn't work..especially when my ex has emphasised many times that it wont.….he’s my first bf and i am his first proper longterm girlfriend…i understand he might wanna play around because he’s still young…but i dont know the fact about him loving another girl is just so hurtful….therés nothing good about this girl….he said he likes her voice..and how she calls him ‘older brother’ in korean…I am 11 days older than him….and i take care of him more than him taking care of me….he said Im like a baby..because i was brought up in a wealthy family..i usually get what i want and when i dont i cry….he said he’s more like a dad than a bf to me…and i said thats why i need him to take care of me..he said..but i can’t take care of you..you always take care of me..he wished i was younger than him…he wish i spoke fluent korean..and he wish i dont spend so much money on him…i buy him many things..because i am happy when he’s happy……

It's been more than a month now and i can’t live without him I want him back! but is it even possible..? he said he doesn’t love me anymore…will love ever return…? :(((( I still see him occasionally, i feel so happy but yet very sad when he's around..and it's quite obvious that he feels happy around me too. And when i cry in front of him he feels so bad that he always gives me a big hug telling me not to be hurt anymore, not by him, he doesn't want to hurt me ever again. and he repeatedly said sorry to me...for me to have met such a bad guy...I really really hope he can return to me...

Answer
Dear Shirley:

A guy wants to think he can take care of a girl. When a girl takes care of a guy, they feel impotent and like a failure.  You're always taking care  of him isn't always a good thing. Guys value what they have to pursue and try to win. The harder it is to win, the more they value the prize, sad but true.

This new girl may be a passing thing, his excuse to move away from you, a diversion, the real thing - or not, but YOU have to move on and stop talking about not being able to live without him. This is the main problem.

You should value your life so much that you realize people come and go throughout your life, but you remain. Enjoy people for the seasons they are in your life, learn from them, but don't hold them to you. For some reason he wants this. When someone tells you goodbye, accept it and move on. No one can make someone love them if they won't. This is exceedingly painful, but learn from it and grow!

I would suggest counseling for you to overcome your grief and loss. Talk it out with a trained person and grow from this experience so you can be ready and successful when MR. Right comes along.

All the best to you -

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Sonya Snyder

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All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

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BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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