How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Break up


Dear Sonya

I was in a relationship with a man for a year and although we had our ups and downs we enjoyed being together. We have known each other for two years all together. We have been through a lot together and my job was uncertain so I was looking for another job. We were looking for me to get a job in another city so that we can move together, make a new start. I got a promotion, accepted it and moved to another city. My boyfriend since I  was offered a new became distant, moody. I suspected he didn't want to move but he would not admit it. He distanced himself, spent very little time with me, was short with me etc and so I accepted that I will be moving away on my own. I did. We continued to be in touch but I did not feel our relationship was stable, strong enough. He would disappear at times, his emails, text messages and the time it took him to respond to my calls became longer and longer. He came to visit me every two weeks ago and it was ok but not enough for me as I did not feel we had emotional connection. Also, I did not feel that his reasons fro not moving with me were valid: work, driving lessons ... He could find a job elsewhere and also have driving lessons. Worst of all was that he wouldn't tell me when he would move, he would just say that he will. I started to feel uncomfortable about our relationship as something didnt feel quite right. I even asked him if he was seeing someone else to which he replied that he didn't. He told me he was working hard, saving money to buy a car, house so that we can be together. That can take him 10 years. He accessed me of lying, became jealous, refused to talk to me about my job saying it bores him etc. I am a manager and he has a menial job, he tells me is a traditional black african man (muslim), not comfortable with a woman working ... I am working hard, my job is demanding and his complaints left me exhausted. We used to enjoy watching movies, going to cinema and recently he announced will not go to cinema with me because he is not interested in watching other people live their life and that if we go together to cinema it will be to watch a cartoon. He told me I am not a woman for him, he is not a man for me ... this was last weekend. I cried because it hurt, he apologised and all was ok for the rest of the weekend but ... I emailed him to say I cannot do it anymore, that I reached the end of the line. I am not happy if he is making me feel  as if he is making a huge sacrifice to be with me. He never replied, not a word from him. Maybe he is relived, maybe he feels there is nothing to say. I know he has his insecurities about where he is in his life, how much money he is earning etc but is that my fault? He lost his job recently but there will be another. If anything this would be a good opportunity for him to move but he is saying he would not be able to live with me, allow me to support him ... He does not want to talk about how he feels, plan ... so I broke up with him. I saw no other way. It was three months since I moved away. I am alone in a strange city, he is in 'his' town surrounded with friends and I just feel duped. On a positive note I have a good, secure job and that could have been for the benefit of both of us until he settles. He is using his pride as a barrier to share his life with me. I feel Iam successful at work and when I am with him he makes me feel bad, guilty for enjoying my work. Why couldnt he be proud of me? I am not sure what to do, there is no possibility for us to continue the way we were. He would drag us both down. I hope one day he will/ may not want to lose me and be a man and take a plunge and move for us to share life together and support each other. I fear that is just a fantasy. Does his silence mean he is angry, not interested or just moved on?

Hi Bee,

His religion will always be his wife. You will never be able to change his beliefs nor take a higher berth than those beliefs hold within him.  

Islam is a religion that demands the first berth or the person is damned.

Leave it alone and find another who can share your beliefs. and your life more complimentary.  A marriage with a person if differing beliefs can be a hellish existence.  He knows this, now it is time for you to accept this too.  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder


All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.


I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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