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How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Should I break up with my boyfriend?

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I am having some issues deciding if I should break up with my boyfriend or not. We have been dating for over a year and the biggest issue we have been running into is the fact that he is ready to get married and move in together right now, most of the time he tries to talk me into just running down to the courthouse. But I am not ready for marriage. I mean I care about him, but I am just not ready. I have told him over and over again to back off the subject, but he doesn't seem to get it and keeps pressuring me. I am 22 years old and he is almost 27. At first I thought maybe he was ready to settle down because of his age, but I'm not sure.I told him that I would like to get married at some point, just not right now. I'm am taking a petroleum technician certification class in our town right now, and a few months ago I told him I thought about going back to college to get a degree, which would mean I'd have to move about 1 and a half hours away. He got angry and told me, "If you think I'm gonna be married to someone I can't live with just because you wanna go to school then you've got another thing coming, because that's not gonna fly." (We weren't even talking about marriage in this conversation to begin with). And I said "Well first of all I don't even know if I could get into this college. It's just an idea. Why are you getting so upset?" and he replied "Well I've had plenty of friends who have had long-distance relationships and it NEVER works out." So I felt like he wasn't even willing to try. A few days later after we both had calmed down I told him that what he said kind of hurt me. Then he apologized and said he wanted me to be happy whatever I decided to do. But he does this to me ALL THE TIME. He wants to sweep everything under the rug and not talk about anything because he hates confrontation. That's just how he was raised. But the way my family raised me, was that if there is an issue, talk it out, come up with a solution, and move on.The last few months he has been a little distant with me. He hangs out with his friends more than me. Which I usually don't mind, but whenever him and I go out, we either go to dinner or a movie and that's it. We never go do anything fun. And i always have to come up with ideas, but he always just says i don't know I'm kinda tired. I hate to say it, but he's pretty boring. Another big issue that is just eating away at me, is that he NEVER stands up for me. One day I decided to pick him up at work and take him out to lunch. He just started a new job and I had never been there before, but I found his building, he told me where I could park, and then we took his car. When we came back, he walked with me back to my car, but then some guy comes storming out of the building and asked if the car was mine. I said yes and asked if there was a problem and he started screaming at me and cussing, waving his arms, pointing his finger in my face, and said I had parked in private parking. I apologized and explained that I had never been there before and didn't see any signs. This man then said I needed to leave because he had already called a tow truck. I said okay, fine, I'm leaving. And the whole time my boyfriend just stood there. Didn't say one word. Just stood there staring off into space.That evening I called him and asked him why he didn't say anything and let that guy cuss me out. He said "I don't I felt sick, lunch didn't agree with me." And I told him if someone was doing that to him, I would've put my foot down. I wouldn't want anyone talking to him like that. He said he knows I can take care of myself, which I can, but it was just the fact that he didn't stand up for me. Makes me feel like he doesn't want to protect me. Now, he isn't Mr. Macho by any means, he's actually really short and skinny. But I mean every girl wants to feel protected by her man right? He also smokes pot and drinks, which I don't care for. I would never tell him I want him to stop smoking. I don't want to change him. But the pot has always been issue. He knows I don't care for it, but him and his buddies smoke around me anyways and don't seem to care. I usually just go stand outside till he is ready to leave. I could go on and on about some other issues, but those are the main ones.I feel like he doesn't care about me or himself. He's always dressing sloppy when we go out, go to family gatherings, church, work, everywhere. He doesn't keep his facial hair shaved or his hair combed, and last week his boss made a comment that he needed to work on his appearance. Now he is an IT guy, doesn't have to wear a suit to work, but he still has to look presentable. I feel like he doesn't care about anything anymore and I feel like the two of us are falling out of love. He isn't as nice to me, not respectful, and I hate to say it but he definitely isn't as attractive to me anymore. My friends and family members keep telling me to end it now. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Answer
Dear Chelsea,

I am dating this guy who has bad hygiene and is a slob.....Also, I always ask him to do some fun things with me, but he never does.... I asked him not to drink so much and do  pot, but he does both, right in my face. When another guy began screaming at me, he just stood there at let this man verbally abuse me and never made it right. He brought insult to the injury of leaving me in danger, by offering me a lame excuse when I asked about it later on...... He isn't a gentleman, or respectful to me, and just wants his own way always, and doesn't care about my dreams and future plans. He was trying to lock me into marriage a few months ago.  I just cant tell if he is a good catch...What do you think?


Chelsea what would you advise this woman?

GO and do likewise. Me personally, my first thought for a decent plan of action is to leave when he was gone, and never give a hint of it beforehand, for my own safety..... I'd never tell him I'm going, I'd just be gone in advance of him even knowing I was leaving, if you get my drift.

And then, no forwarding address he could ever find afterwards.....like a vapor....Gone.

But I have to ask you - REALLY? You had to ask? The only thing you have to do next once you are gone away from him and it's no contact forever, is to find out why you couldn't see this was a clear move WELL in advance of today. Please go see a counselor to find  out about boundaries in relationships and why you were willing to tolerate his abusive ways to even keep him one more day as a boyfriend or even an acquaintance...... A great book on this is "boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Also, look up "Borderline Personality Disorder" and you might see the X 's face described within....PS there is no cure for this disorder... RUN!

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Sonya Snyder

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