How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Confused about Ex's motives


Hi Sonia,

I hope that this is within your line of expertise.

I'm certain that my ex gf has BPD/NPD, concluded after I'd done extensive research after we split 'officially' five weeks ago. The details of the relationship are too long and toxic to relate just now, but one thing that is really puzzling to me is the profile of the man she chose to be with.

- I am tall, with hair (just the type she likes, she once told me), he is short and bald.
- She is a macrobiotic vegan (as am I), he is a carnivore
- She is a smoker (as am I), he's a non-smoker
- I have my own house with lovely countryside views, he lives at home with his mother in a suburb of a large city

However, he does have his plus side (as far as she is concerned), and that is that he has a car (I don't drive, nor does she) and that is a big plus for my ex who doesn't like walking! Plus he seems to be rich and shortly after they met he offered to pay a large sum of money to help her in her research projects (money I don't have). He is also 10 years younger than I am (and 4 years younger than her).

I sometimes think that those 'plus' factors almost forced her hand into a relationship, and she's somehow able to hold back the typical BPD/NPD behaviours she showed with me.

Now, I know she wasn't mirroring me as she has had her preferences for many years, but it just seems illogical to want to be with someone who is so different. Does the BPD/NPD dictate that a person is willing to sacrifice all they hold dear to fill a void? I'm not really sure what I mean by that, I'm just exploring potential avenues.

I'm confused!

Hi Dave,

Borderlines have to be hooked to someone, as their fear of abandonment runs very deep. Each successive relationship gets the same treatment and love bombing rules. None of it is real for long.

And Narcissists think their entitled to whatever they want, and the package it comes in, can vary widely -- just as long as what they WANT is in the package. I hope that helps you.

Here is a link that might explain NPD more clearly to help you see this and heal:

Now ask yourself why you are still trying to deal with this and keep her close? Be so VERY glad you got out of this before it cost you so much much more.

Please get counseling from a source who deals with these disorders, as most counselors cannot address in detail your concerns and need to heal to move forward to healthier relationships. Remember, people are who they are -  and if they aren't what you want, quit trying to make them or give excuses to why they're not....when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM and act quickly.  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder


All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.


I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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