How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/How do I move on?

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There is a lot to say and I do not know even know where to start. A little background about me. I am a 27 year old single mom of 2. I never dated when I was in high school. When I was 21 I thought there was something wrong with me, because I had never dated anyone before. I met my daughters father. I thought I loved him. I never knew him. I moved in with after a couple of weeks and then got pregnant. He broke up with me, when I was four months pregnant. I later on realized I never knew him or loved him. He would come home have sex with me, go to bed, and leave in the morning without even saying a word to me. I had my daughter waited a year and tried dating again. My dates just would never work out. I met my sons father. We had sex once and I got pregnant. Never had sex again. Before anyone one says anything I have not been pregnant in four years, and do not plan on having another child until I am married and it is planned. So please do not tell me first off to close my legs they are closed.

So now on to when I met Chris. I told myself I would be alone for a little bit, and work on myself. I wanted me to be in the right place before I tried to date. I made myself a promise. I did not keep my promise. One night I was lonely, and responded to a couple of Craigslist ads. I never thought anyone would respond, but Chris did. We text back and forth for a month before meeting in person. We met, and started dating almost immediately. I fell in love with him so fast. He said he loved me too. We seemed to be going through all the same things in life. He got a place, and then I got one. I got a car and then he got one etc. . We were growing together. We had each others back, and it was us. We helped each other out and always had each others back. We dated for about a year and a half until Chris got a job across the country. I went to visit him, and once I got back home he broke up with me. He changed his number, and I thought I would never see him or talk him again.

He called me back a couple of weeks later, and said there is no reason to throw such a good friendship away. We became friends with benefits, and have been friends with benefits since. We are friends with benefits ever since. From that moment on I was flying back and forth to see him sometimes twice a month. He made it clear that he did not want to be with me, but every time I was gone he would want me back and miss me. Sometimes visit went good and other times no matter how hard I tried things would fall apart. He would say its because he could only stand me in small amounts. He knows me better than anyone else, and so many times with the sweet things he does, or the passion I see in his eyes when we have sex I feel like he does love me. I think I am just trying to make excuses though. I get so confused. One moment he wants me gone, and then the next he misses me and wants me back. To be honest I think he wants me around, because of the sweet things I do. I lotion and tickle his feet, tickle his arm, scratch his back, and his scratch his head. I clean his place and do his laundry. I am very supportive, and very loving. I do sweet things for him all the time, and the sex is amazing I will do anything he wants. He does nice things for me to. He cooks amazing meals, and is very thoughtful.

I tried to move across country to be near him, but things did not work, Without family help the cost of daycare, and rent was too much. I lived near him for almost ten months. Where I could visit, and then go home to my own place. In July Chris told me he had met someone else, and that he could not see me again. He said he tried for almost 3 years with us, and it did not work out. I was heart broken, and I thought I would never see him again. Two days later he said there were too many red flags, and he could not see her again.My family hated him for this. I wanted to think positive, and say our relationship could make it through anything, but who knows when he could meet someone else. At anytime he could toss me aside again, and this time it might not be so short lived. It took some time, but things went back to normal.

I have been flying back and fourth for almost 2 years now to see Chris, and because of this have not been able to keep a job. He wants me there, and loves having my company. He wants me here, but in the same breadth he will call me a loser, and say I have no ambition because I have not worked in a while.

Well now to present time. I moved back home to focus on myself, and my children, I was home for a week, when he called me and said he missed me. He said he couldn't live with me, but he couldn't live with out me. I came to visit, and that is where I am now. The other day day we took my kids to chucky cheese, and we felt like a family. The night went good until we got back to his place, and got in argument and he reminded me that we are not together and we never will be. How do I move on when I do not want to be with anyone else? Let me know if you have any questions. Any advice would be appreciated.

Answer
Dear Jessica,

My answer will be short but the understanding is great and please know that I understand what you are doing and going through.

Men like to WIN women. Having to work at it makes the woman more valuable in their eyes.  Nasty men like to make nice women who are insecure, grovel.

Women who come to nasty men when called, sit when told, take kicks to the gut emotionally at the will of the nasty guy,  and leave when the jerk tells them to after he's used them, who tolerate the jerk not helping you with obvious needs, and move toward you to offer flight money, help with rent  and expenses to do what he says he wants from you,  and generally treats you embarrassingly poorly, doesn't deserve your time of day, let alone any special treatment.

He is treating you like disposable garbage. You must end this.

But, my bigger concern is

1.
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THIS?
and
2.
WHY ARE YOU TOLERATING and ALLOWING THIS , and frankly, even asking for more of the same, by your willingness to take it?

He is USING YOU and CAN' T love you.  My advice to you is to get out of there FAST and begin to heal yourself. Just pack and go when he is gone to work or out for hours, etc., , don't let him even know in advance you are leaving  - this is important for your safety!

When one loves someone who uses them, it can bring about even more dark feelings. Don't allow yourself any more of this abuse. Get into counseling THIS WEEK to seek answers as to why you are willing to tolerate such a painful situation, it angered me even reading how he has so disrespected you over and over.

This will be hard for you but it is VERY important -
Go "No Contact" with him, no phone calls, no visits, no NOTHING. Begin your life new and look forward, never back.

And NO DATING until you get your own  head and heart cleaned out and put pack on straight.

And here is a valued pearl if you can accept it - Seek the love the Bible holds too - even when I feel very alone and in strife, I know Jesus is standing there or carrying me through it, because I asked Him to live in me and be my God, and He has promised to never ever leave me.  

God bless,  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder

Expertise

All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

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BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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