How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Heartbroken & Confused
QUESTION: Hello, my ex and I have been broken up for about 8 months now. In the beginning, he treated me like a princess. Surprising me with flowers, bought me jewelry, everything. Coming from an abusive relationship to him was quite an adjustment. He was very supportive even though I broke up with him multiple times.
I broke up with him at least once a month due to my own insecurities of not being good enough. He was stationed over in Korea for a year, and I flew over to see him. Well when I was there, I clammed up and was so immature and rude to him. I don't know what was wrong with me honestly. He told me he loved me all the time and said he'd never leave me. He's the only guy I've ever talked about marriage and having a family with.
After I left, about a month later I broke up with him. This was around the 10th time I did, but it was because he was making time for everyone else but me. After that, he told me he still loved me and that when he came home we'd have a chance for a real relationship but only if I sought out counseling. I did and I think it was the best thing I've ever done.
Afterwards, I kept pressuring him to get back with me; never giving him his time and space that he wanted, and I always got mad over the stupidest things. This was going on for about 8 months. Well one day when he came home, I saw him before he left for his next station. He told me he still loved me and wanted to visit, and told his mom that since he's deploying next year, that maybe I'd take over his lease and live in his apartment (meanwhile after we talked about moving in together while we were dating, and after I accepted a job down there near him). A week ago he asks me when did I want to start over, then two days later yells at me, tells me he doesn't love me, he doesn't care for me anymore, he hates me and that there's someone else.
I'm so confused because I've been seeking counseling and found otu I have depression. I've been progressing very rapidly and have been back to my normal self, but now he says he loves her (hasn't gone on a date with her yet), and that she's everything he's ever wanted and he's happy.
Is there still a chance? Can you please explain what I did wrong and what's going on?
ANSWER: Dear Kyleigh,
I apologize.... I was on vacation and forgot to set my settings appropriately. Well, it looks like you took the first step by going to counseling and I would suggest staying in counseling to help you with your own insecurities and learning how to be in a healthy relationship. Only when we are healthy are we able to be part of a healthy relationship. You seem to recognize what your insecurities are and it appears that you break up with him to see if he thinks you are worth "chasing after." Imagine how you would feel if someone kept breaking up with you just for you to "prove your love." Relationships don't work like that. They become dysfunctional and hurtful. Life is hard enough without having all of the extra stresses added on.
If he told you that there is someone else then you really can't do anything to change his mind. You can only take care of you and learn from your mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over them because everyone in this world has made mistakes. It's how we handle and change them that matters. He may not be the one. It's strange that he loves someone whom he has never even had a date with, but that is his issue and try not to make it yours. Spending some time alone may do you some good. You can learn what it is that makes you feel the way you do and why you need someone to "prove that they love you" instead of just accepting the good that the relationship brings. BUT, if you find yourself in a relationship that doesn't make you feel good it's definitely better to be alone. Whether there is a chance or not shouldn't be important right now because you two haven't broken this cycle. You have to work on you... He needs to work on him and if the two of you are meant to be you will be... IF not... then you will be in better place for the next person you meet and will feel the worthiness that you feel to be in a relationship..... Good Luck and God Bless
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QUESTION: Thank you for your advice. I'm still really close with his parents and I visit with them at least twice a week. In fact, his parents were counting on us getting back together. I asked them if they wanted me to stop coming over due to Jim possibly dating this girl, and they said they wanted me to come over and visit them no matter what. His mother told me that a few days after he told me he hated me, etc., he asked her how I was doing. His mother replied with "she was devastated. She was so heartbroken, it was so sad." He then out his head down and looked heartbroken himself and his dad said he looked lost. I understand what I did wrong and I'm willing to stick with counseling because of how much I've improved, but is this a good sign that he's thinking things over? He went out on a date with that girl this last Monday, and even his parents said the relationship won't last since he met her in a bar. I understand his happiness means more to me than my own. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things work between us and make him happy. We talked about moving in together when we were dating, and a few weeks before he said he hated me I accepted a job down where he's stationed. I'm still lost As to what to do. We haven't spoken in a week, but should I see if he wants to reconcile our differences and start fresh? What can I do to show him that I'm not the same person I was 8 months ago, and that I have changed for the better.
The best thing you could probably do for yourself is stay away from him and his family. I'm not saying that you can never see his family again, but this still allows you to know what is going on with him and vice versa. You will not be able to move on by visiting with his family. It's impossible and if they like you they are going to tell you what you want to hear or may tell you things so you aren't hurt anymore. You don't want him to hear that you are devastated and hurt... You want him to see that you have no contact with anyone in his family or him so that he can wonder what your doing and figure out whether he misses you enough to want to be with you or misses you, but wants to move on, or doesn't miss the situation at all. The only way to find that out is to let everyone go and have no contact. It's hard... I know... I would let it go right now... right this moment and take control of your feelings and actions. I would NOT call him or tell him how you are feeling... you already have. IF he wanted to be with you right now HE would be the one making the attempts. You don't need to chase after someone. I understand that you made mistakes, but you are getting help for them. IF you really want this to even have a chance... you have to let them all go and have NO CONTACT... Let him figure it out for himself. Analyzing his actions, thoughts, words, etc... is not healthy for you. He is moving on so don't you deserve to??? AND if HE wants to get back together with you... I promise he will let you know... By trying to continuously find things to tell him... you are delaying the process of him even possibly coming back and probably pushing him further away.... Good Luck