How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/break up help please


Please help last Sunday my live in girlfriend told me she wanted space didnít know what she wanted any more and wanted me to move out. She is under a huge amount of stress. Her house she worked for her whole life is selling from a past divorce. Her job may be out sourced and she is turning 40 this month. She said she wanted a man in her life not in her house and told her mom I was obsessed with her. That same day her parents came in from out of town. I went out of town for work came back on Thursday and her mom and dad changed the locks on me. LOL  that a little short notice to find a new space and I feel disrespected. I told her to keep the tvs and all the other stuff they were only things She told me she was sick of my constant lieng grumpy behavior among other things and that we had grown apart. For the last month she didnít come home 4 or 5 times and has put a password on her phone and face book account. The problem is this there is a 5 and 8 year old  that are hers. They have lived with us  every other week for the last year and they love  me as much as I love them and I still love there mother as well. I read that the best thing to do was give her space for at least 3 weeks. Last night the 8yr old text me and said she loves me,  misses me and would I please come over next week to spend time with her.
What do I do

Hi Todd

I am so sorry. It sounds like her love died for you when she found another lover. Sometimes stress can make people do strange, desperate things. Turning 40 can be as difficult for women as for men, especially after going through major losses of loved items through a divorce.

Still her actions have been reprehensible and thoughtless, if in fact you have been an upright guy who wasn't a liar, cheat, thief, lazy or an abuser.

"She told me she was sick of my constant lieng grumpy behavior among other things and that we had grown apart." That isn't a reason normal loving people choose,  to do what she did out of the blue -  normally if there was love there,  it's a reason to talk out what is wrong with the interchange and relationship and how to fix it.  

But changing the phone passwords and locks is a sign she has someone else and has moved on.  "For the last month she didnít come home 4 or 5 times and has put a password on her phone and face book account" means she is with someone else for sure - hot and heavy too-  so understand she has been cheating on you, to desperately try and fulfill something she is lacking in her life right now, and it has much less to do with you than with her panic and morally bankrupt choices right now. This probably won't end well for her - but never go back to her, and get counseling to get over this loss you feel so you can build yourself back stronger than ever to find a real loving woman who would respect you.  You have seen and experienced her choices and what she  is - keep telling yourself -  what guy would want that -  a mate they can never trust?   And move on.....

I think you got out easy from a lady who didn't care for you, and can treat a former lover this way. There are a million nicer ways to say goodbye to a decent man.  Better to learn now and free yourself, also, try very hard not to harden your heart. You returned grace for meanness in allowing her to keep your things. Class act of a gentleman  and a truly kind soul -  Never lose that,never allow someone to take that class away. ..

But the kids are an issue.

They won't understand and feel you abandoned them or it was your fault somehow unless it is explained.  Never badmouth their mom to them or discuss your relationship with them. If you have always conversed by email or text, continue to do so, but don't add new ways of communicating. Tell them you care for them,that this wasn't their fault, sometimes people fall out of love, and their mom made the choice to move on. Tell them you think they are terrific, you love and miss them too, and wish them all the best in life. Tell them you will always be a friend to them, and like them as people. Then be a friend. Let them know if they ever need you, you are just a phone call away and will be their friend always.

But also know -
She could report you to the police for stalking her kids. Outrageous, but still this is your life and reputation to protect too. Find out what the laws are and any rights you have for visiting with them. There might not be any.... and again, I am sorry - worst case scenario is that if she makes things unpleasant or tells you to stay away from contacting her children, then when they are grown to 18, you can re connect and be lifelong friends. That is why I said to make the first message you give them is what they need to know - it may be your only chance to tell them. Tell them it's not their fault, you think they are great people, will always be their friend even if they don't see you much,but you have to honor their mom's wishes.

Let me know how it goes.

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Sonya Snyder


All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.


I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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