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How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/just broke up and he doesnt wants us to stop talking


QUESTION: Hi, I just broke up with my almost 4 month long boyfriend, he broke up with me 1 day before the 4th month anniversary, i know its a short time . But I've been through difficult relationships and i really thought this one could be worth it, it was really hard for me to open up to him this time, and I really really put all my effort in this relationship because I wanted it to work out. He is a great guy, I saw him almost everyday until last week, that he told me we need to see each other less that he had a lot of projects in his life, he started working less than a month ago, that we needed to focus more on each other so we can be better as a couple, that he really loved me and that this was all for the best. I saw him one day before he broke up with me and everything was perfect, the next day he broke up with me telling me that he was not okay with the way things were: that he didn't liked saying he has a girlfriend and that he didn't saw her as much as he liked (wich is a total contradiction to what he told me) that he didn't liked not being able to answer my texts (i only sent him 2 texts wich he didn't answered) he told me that this a really hard decision to make, that it wasn't because he didn't loved me he assured me he really loved me and that he was always going to be with me when I needed him he doesn't wants us to stop talking or seeing each other.
So, I'm really sad, a little angry and a little disappointed because I dont when did at all turned out wrong, angry with the way he did it and the moment he did it.
I dont know and im dying to tell him 12309 things.

ANSWER: Hello, Marina

Men get cold feet for a number of reasons. Immature men get scared when they get too close, or when the lady moves faster than they do, or when they think that she is "the on," and they still want to play around a while but don't want to hurt the one they are with.

If I were you, I would back away and move on with your life. Perhaps in a few weeks he might call to talk with you, but if I were you I wouldn't wait for him. People go after what they want. Men know what they want and pursue it fully until they have what they want. In this case, he just didn't know how to say goodbye like a gentleman and seems like he was even dishonest.

Men also like the chase. If the chase goes away, sometimes then the game is over for the immature men out there focused on conquest and not a honest relationship with another person.   

Go see a counselor and talk out what happened, and why you feel how you do. Heal from this and move on. Find out what your triggers are for relationships, review your childhood and areas of insecurity, and how to read the signs and other's meanings better. A course on body language can also be helpful as 80% of communication is non-verbal.

If this man comes around again, and wants to see you, and you still have an interest, it would be time to agree to the ground rules going forward, as he should be willing to build your trust in him back.


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QUESTION: Hi, yes I agree with that. I was kind of mad when we broke up, because I knew that wasn't the real reason or as you said he was maybe being dishonest.
But now I know, he called 4 days later after we broke up. We spoke like almost an hour, but summing it up he told me that he didnt broke it up because he didnt loved me, he assured me does, he says that its not a great time for him because of everything he has to do, that he would like to give me his full attention as I "deserved", he says he really wants something serious or formal with me I dont really know how to call it since Im not really sure of what I may be expecting, I can see he really wants us to be back together someday.
One thing that I didn't thought about is that he told me wasnt really sure if I wanted the same things as he did talking about a serious serious relationship.
The next day he spoke to a friend we have in common and told her that I was the women of his life and thats why he wanted to give me the place i deserved, that he thought it wasnt far for me because he didnt even had time for him, and that he really wanted to wait to the moment so we can be together for good.
He has been contacting me since then, he called me once.
I know I want to be with him, and that i do love him. I know I have to show him that i still have the interest in us, but at the same time giving him the time and space that he asked for, but Im afraid i might do things the wrong way, he told me I love you once since we broke up , after we hung up, I sent him a text saying: i was glad we spoke, good night I love you :), but he didnt even answered.
I dont know im thinking a lot everything.

This is simple, if logical too  - so step out of this and see it for what it is.

Human nature being what it is, if a man loves a woman, he doesn't put her on a shelf to ask her to wait and so he can do something else with someone else possibly, till he has time for her. What or who is more a priority than you?

Men move things around all the time,  to do what they must to keep those in their lives that they truly love, closer to them, trust me.

Either he his attached to someone else right now, or he is trying to control you with making you wait for him while he does something else.

Neither is a good option.  

He should have been honest and offered you the best amount of free time he can, after his commitments to work, etc are done. If he can't do this like 99% of everyone else does, something is wrong and he is hiding something, no matter how good his act. If so, cut the cord and never look back, as this guy is playing you.  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder


All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.


I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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