How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/I dont understand any of this

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 fiance and I had been together for almost 7 years....his sister(whom I worked with at the time) had introduced us. He had this huge crush on me for years before we even met. We hit it off right away, perhaps moved too fast in the first year and almost broke up because of it. But we decided to slow things down and things became much better.Eventually we got engaged, almost bought a house together, but that fell through because of it being a short sale, however we were still looking at more houses. Quite some time had passed, and now we have accumulatedquite a bit of debt. I was working two jobs to help pay things down. I always made time for us, no matter how exhausted I was or whatever, as did he.Fastforward a couple more years...by now I had quit my part time job, however my full time job switch our hours on us, which meant I went from working 3pm-11:30 to now 7pm-430am. We only saw each other on weekends and the occasional day during the week. I have been trying to get a new job, and he saw my efforts. Three weeks ago, on a Tuesday, he hit me with "we never see each other anymore. l don't feel the same anymore. I love you but im not in love with you anymore. " The rest of the week we would still talk as we normally did, but that Friday when I was talking to him on my dinner break, I knew things were different. He was just so cold and distant. We made plans to do something the following day. No phone call came. And I never tried to contact him because I figured he needed space. About a week later, I found out he was using our joint account where my pay check went in. I sent him a text and said "what gives? Im not good enough to talk to, but you can use my money? " he sent me one back and said " I needed some time to see if things would change and they haven't. I would like to be friends in the future cause you're a cool person and we do need to discuss who is going to pay what. DO NOT CALL ME CAUSE I WON'T ANSWER. " just like that, seven years gone through a text message. ...I haven't tried to contact him at all this whole time.....by the way, we are talking about a 36 year old man and im 35.....im so lost, confused....I dont know what to make of any of this and how this ended up happening. No fighting for us, no consideration for our kids and how they feel (we each have a child from previous relationships who have come to see each other as brothers)....nothing. ...i just dont get it.

Answer
Hi Kimberly,

Here it is in a nutshell -  a 7 year engagement is a big red flag. Then he had all those nights alone and 35 year old men don't sit home alone waiting for a girl who comes home when he only has a few hours before he  leaves for work.... SO, very likely, has found someone else or something else more entertaining to him, in his nightly free time while you were working. Perhaps you were a good provider of what he wanted before your job hours changed?

First thing to do is GET ALL YOUR FINANCIALS OUT OF HIS GRASP NOW, or he could clean you out and leave you with even more debt.

Second is to let your children know it has NOTHING to do with them. Tell them this - tell them how much you love them, tell them A LOT so they don't blame themselves and feel rejected.

Third thing to do is consider why you want to be with some one who treated you like this? What signs did you miss? Also, what lead to this situation happening? What is needed in a relationship for it to continue and grow? How do relationships die? Most die through lack of care and neglect. People have needs and seek to have them met.

Please go get counseling to heal and grow from this, and also, read the Boundaries books by Townsend and Cloud before you attempt another relationship. By all means, give yourself time to heal and be VERY honest with yourself -  NO excuses - figure out your part and his - what was,  what mistakes were made on both sides, how to not make them again, and how to move on.

I wish you all the best.  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder

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All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

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BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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