How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/How can I move past my abusive relationship and its effects on my self-worth?
Hello. I've been writing to another expert up here for the past couple of months because I was involved in a bad relationship. The expert I wrote to up here referred me to a website about BPD, and said that my ex exhibited signs of it. I checked it out and it does sound a lot like him. The relationship took a negative toll on my personal relationships, my education, and partly, my self-esteem. My self-esteem was already pretty low to begin with, which is probably why I allowed my ex boyfriend to treat me this way. I struggled with my weight, and I was self-conscious. In the beginning he made me feel better about myself, always calling me beautiful, encouraging me to take more pictures (innocent ones) to send him because he is in Japan due to his job. I began to slowly feel more and more beautiful, but then he began to devalue me and make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. He'd ask me things like "Why do you always pose like that?" "Why don't you straighten your hair?" and once he told me that I looked fat in a picture (claimed he was joking) and told me that my hair reminded him of pubes (again he was joking and thought it was the funniest thing ever).
After a while, I wouldn't take the types of "photos" he wanted me to and it sparked a series of bad arguments. He felt that I should be willing to do that if he was all the way over there not sleeping with anyone for so long. I refused and even on the last day that we spoke, he still brought it up. We were talking about working things out and he told me "If we're going to do this, you're going to have to compromise." It was at that moment that I realized he would never change. I wished him luck with his new girlfriend there (because he had told me he was seeing where things went with some Asian woman he met…but that she was a "nonfactor" when it came to me). I also told him to get help because he had issues (abandonment, drinking [so I thought], and loss).
He went off on me. Called me a stupid b***h, told me to mind my business, and that he did a bunch of horrible stuff before we got serious that he never told me about. He said he slept with his best friend (and when I told him she wasn't even attractive he told me 'I love you but you're not that attractive yourself.') He basically rubbed it in my face and said "How do you like that?" He said I deserve to suffer and I crushed his heart. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was freaked out.
It has been a couple of months now and we haven't spoken. I doubt we ever will, and that's fine. It becomes easier to accept as each day passes by. However, I've since then looked at his social networking sites and I saw that he is dating an Asian woman (presumably the one he lied to me about before). It hurts to see him calling her beautiful and speaking in Japanese with her. It's like I never existed. I'm sort of bothered by the fact that I'm still holding onto this, and the words that he said. It's like I find myself thinking "He'd definitely call you fat in this outfit," or "He'd call you stupid for saying that." It's like even when he's not around, the things he would say and do still linger in my mind and take a toll on my self-worth.
Before him, I used to be really into Japanese culture (specifically anime and films). Now I can't even enjoy them anymore, and I'm constantly comparing myself to Asian women. It's like every Asian woman I see, I'm thinking "She's cute than I am. She's thin. She's everything a man would want." A woman I met on the BPD website I was referred to told me not to take this to heart, and that for him it's about who is easier to control. It still hurts though. How can I move past this?
I would probably not look at that social networking site for a while unless you want to bring the hurt upon yourself. I'm 1/2 Asian and it was brutal growing up and I had a lot of self-esteem issues. Only when you are comfortable with yourself are these things not going to bother you. Of course he is going to say all of those things to her because it is how he is feeling now, but the minute she stands up for herself like you did he will re-enter the same cycle.
Work on you and taking care of you. You said that you neglected some things while you were with him so get back into those things and give them your all. By doing the things that you neglected you are going to start feeling better about yourself. If there are things you want to change with your appearance because you want to change them... that's fine because it's what you want to do.
Obviously he found you attractive and is just being hurtful now because that's what his moral fiber is made up of. I wouldn't send you to any website to look at BPD or anything of such because that is his issue and an attempt to "fix' him. When he wants to change who he is - then he will reach out to you. My suggestion is to stop looking for a reason as to why he is who he is, but rather accept the fact that he is who he is and you deserve a lot better. With that said.. concentrate on you and don't punish yourself by looking at what he is doing, writing, or who he is seeing...... Good Luck and when the time is right you will find someone who appreciates everything about you....