How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Dealing with a break up

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Hi i'm a 23 year old female dealing with my first heart break. I met my ex boyfriend almost 2 years ago. I was extremely shy when it came to met as I was a virgin and grew up in a bad home situation. In time i found he was a sweet and caring guy who never pushed and we talked regularly online. As short while after our first date he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I was crushed but I blocked him and went on with my life. Months pass and by a whim I add him back, this time he says he missed me immensely and we start a relationship. We were awesome we were so alike in our interests and it felt like I finally found someone I could care about despite my reservations about men I feel head over heels. I completely neglected my other friends...I never really connected with them .,.he became my best friend. We messaged each other constantly everyday..we couldnt help it. I knew he would get sad at times....he used to speak about not wanting to live anymore. I had my problems with sadness but as our relationship developed the sadder he got. I remember painful conversations begging him to see how I saw him..wonderful. Over the course of our 1 and half year relationship I started to get jealous ridiculousy about his best female friend. One night he couldnt stand it and broke up with me he was in tears and I realised how much I was trying to control him. I begged him t reconsider and since them we never had an argument about it. But he had changed. He no longer wants to hang out with me or his friends. He stayed in doors. When ever we spent time together it was at his house.Id have to ask to come over or ask to go out. He would say no often and I would feel rejected. He no longer said he loved me at will...I would have to say it first. He no longer liked to kiss except during sex. Any intimacy was initiated by me. I felt him pull away from me and from his friends and asked him to see a therapist. I asked him time and time again if he would like to break up. He would always get upset that I asked but could never provide reassurance. His words were always tainted with uncertainty and anytime a serious discussion was needed ...he changed the subject. We used to talk about our wedding, lol we know longer did that. The thing is we still messaged each other constantly, we laughed, we shared the moments of each others day.Eventually he kept bringing up the subject of kids and a vasectomy. I couldn't understand..if he intended that we would be together how could he consider it. After holding my ground he asked me if we could be friends if we broke up. I felt awful when he asked that and told him no. He said he didnt mean anything by the question. I had to ask him if he loved me and if he wanted me as a friend or someone he could someday marry. He said marry and I tried to forget it. Another weekend passed by and he didn't seem to want to hang out. I asked if we could hang put more he said sure. But later he admitted he didn't treat me the way he should. He asked if he didn't love himself how could he love me. I told him i want the best either but if we wanted it to work we just needed to try. Then he admitted he didn't want to try. I was shocked. I asked him why didn't we break up last time and he asked me why it took me so long to come to that realization. I asked him to consider if he really wanted us but the next day he tried to message as usual. Finally I asked him to call me. He gave me a story about his depression and how he was dragging me down. How could i love someone with no goals. I begged him tot get help for our sake and told him how i saw him. He said no and that in time i would find someoneelse and so would he. I got upset. I told him he was a coward for not trying to face his problems . Ive had so many  horrible things happen this year..the death of my grand father the man i loved, my mothers tumor coming back...finding lumps in my breast and was going to have a biopsy the next day. I told him he was removed from my life for giving up. I gave him back his gifts but eventually messaged him. He was upset about the gifts and asked how could i love him if i gave them back. All the while i tried again to convince him he needed help. Finally I asked if he loved me. He said he thought i did but then he thought he didnt but since we broke up he thought about me day and night. He missed me but if that meant he loved me he didnt know. All that i could think was we had sex last week....you called me every night last week. When i said i loved you you said it back. He was finally honest. I was broken. I said some harsh things. He didnt want me to hate him I told him i felt nothing and how the times we spent together werent real if he didnt feel the same. Next day he messaged me about some stupid thing i gave back to him that was mine. I asked him not to message me again. From then he disappeared. I emails him to say i was harsh and apologised for saying that to him. I hoped that in time he figured out what he wanted and how he felt about me. He blocked me on skype. I feel so horrible and yet I care about him. Even after he gave me an STD ....I really believed in him...I wanted more for him that I did myself. How do i recover from this I feel like I cant eat or sleep..I feel like i hurt him

Answer
Hi Raina,

I am so sorry for what you went through. You  seem to be a very selfless person who only wanted to help,  and you called out an issue as you saw a concern - all normal things to do.

No one is perfect, but you were dealing with a disordered depressed person who you will never make sense of. And he gave you an STD and you think you hurt him?!!?!?!

Raina,

Go get counseling about boundaries in relationships and read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Find a way to find out WHY you tolerated his behavior and obvious promiscuity to give you an STD, while blaming yourself for hurting him.


Do not contact him anymore and shut this chapter in your life. Begin to heal through the help of a counselor you can trust, and  then find out just what you want in a relationship - a healthy one, and then, proceed to make it happen - don't accept anything less for your future!

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder

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All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

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BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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