How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/He Won't Let Go


Hi Sonya,

I've been living with my bfriend for over 25 years, with a couple small breaks in between of not living together / being together.  It is like living with two people.  He has the really nice, caring side, and the very controlling, manipulative, angry, jealous, insecure side.  He hates when I hang out with certain girlfriends (who are totally normal but he thinks they are going to influence me to have sex with guys which is ridiculous, they are not even like that anyway#.  A couple weeks ago I let him know #I knew he would freak and he did# I was going to hang out at the shore with an old friend whom I haven't seen in yrs since she moved far away, and her mom and a mutual friend would join. Well, all day he called me #25 times!) and left horrible text messages such as "have fun with your Wh*re friends!" "hope he c*ms in your hair" for examples.  I decided I can't take this anymore and he has to move (apt under my name on lease). But he never left, and now is apologetic, claiming something changed in him where he no longer resents me after all these years, how he trusts me from now on, he's changed, and he's been overly nice bringing in food every nite, etc.  Well, I told him it's over for me, in my heart and head, that I love him but am not in love with him (and I've felt that way for yrs) and it's too late.  He keeps trying to talk me back into relationship but I'm done, and it hurts too as if I am breaking up with him 100 times over since I have to keep saying it, I told him he has to leave but he isn't budging.  I don't want to get police involved since he's not threatening nor violet.  He's now like a hurt child making me feel like his mommy who is abandoning him. Do I have to move (as I've done before to leave him)?  I hate going thru that hassle of moving, I have so much stuff, all furniture is mine, he has hardly anything, mainly clothes.  This is so hard for me too, and he is in such denial.  In the past I have said I wanted to it to end, then I would back-peddle because he wouldn't leave, and I would fall for his promises of change.  Life is too short.  I may even wonder am i making the right decision, but I can't go on like this anymore.  Wait till he finds out I'm going to the shore for the weekend with friends, he's going to freak, or maybe not. I told him I'd like him gone by Sunday, but I know he won't leave.  I don't hate him, but it is hard when he's treating me TOO nice now, but my feelings are still gone for him as a romantic partner.  Thank you for any advice in advance!

Hi Cynthia,

It seems he's had a great ride for 25 years, and mostly riding your success,and willingness to provide decent shelter, furnishings and other amenities based on how he treated you and your willingness to reciprocate.

I also can understand how love can die when someone is so jealous and fearful of rejection or loss they become clingy and ugly. On the far end of the bell curve this action is called a form of Borderline Behavior.

Due to some trauma in their childhood, some people are terrified of losing a relationship and will do and say most anything to take away this perceived threat as it rears it's head.

On the other side there are users who cajole and manipulate you to keep it going and get what they want from you (you are supply) way after the jig is up and the score is shown. These tend to be malignant narcissists who feel they deserve the best, especially if they aren't paying for it and can ride someone else for it.

It sounds like your boyfriend is on the former side, a bit clingy, and wounded from previous losses and perhaps a partner who cheated on him, or a childhood where his dad/mom cheated on his other parent, etc.

Until he gets counseling to find out why he has this illogical fear, it won't go away. If he's a Borderline, it won't go away even with counseling. This is a permanent condition.

Either way it seems like you already made your decision. Understand that now that you have made a decision, he could get violent, both with your things, while you are away, or even with you while you are present. Take steps to protect yourself. Some states have a terrible law that you cannot remove someone from your home who is not being a danger to themselves or you. This makes vacating him difficult. If you do decide to move, do so differently this time and forever:

Do it when he will be gone and cannot ever follow you or know where you've moved to.

You must VANISH, go NO Contact, change your cell phone and passwords, leave no forwarding address, change your social media news to never relay personal info, and be GONE. Often it is a painful lesson to learn that once we see the initial red flags that a relationship is doomed, yet keep involved, the cost to successfully and safely extract ourselves is much higher with every passing year.

May you be successful, and let me know how this turns out!  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder


All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.


I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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