How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/First Love Heartache

Advertisement


Question
So me and this guy were dating on and off for 7 years. He was my first love and my first relationship ever. He had other relationships before me, and even after me while we were off.

We broke up earlier last year, and I moved out of our apartment and to another city about an hour away. During the last few months we were still talking and messing around, but I had told him that we needed to be apart. Mainly because I wanted to go experience other people, and I wanted him to do that too (he was texting girls a week after we broke up). I wasn't interested in another relationship, just fun and companionship. And I thought he would be ok with this idea because he was a guy, I felt like he wanted to mess around with other people, and we were at the point talking about our future, getting engaged an all of that. I wanted us to get that out of our system beforehand.

At first he was alright with the idea, then he became depressed about it. I'm a great person, and so is he. But we're not perfect, there were times I would upset him because I was inexperienced about what to give in a relationship, but he has had times where he was really mean to me, would lie, and I even caught him emailing girls on craigslist once (he said "nothing" happened). But besides his plenty hiccups, he would take care of me, support me, had a lot of compassion and love. As I did for him.

Recently we cut everything off. No talking, no seeing each other. And he told me that he wanted me back, that he realized he completely messed up by how he treated me, and that he wanted me to give him another chance so he could prove it. I told him that we needed time, he found out I had sex with someone else and emotions were really raw at the time. I figured we needed time to calm down, and I needed time to learn how to love myself, because otherwise I wouldn't have let him mistreat me at the times he did. Me actually being away and telling him no this one time opened his eyes as to how he made me feel when times were rough. And the love I tried to show him, even though I hadn't loved before, and even though no one showed me how to love, or how to even love myself.

He says I'm not in love with him by deciding to be apart because "love doesn't forsake love" but I know I am. And I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too, I just want him to know I want to have time to myself like he did. Especially before I settle down. And now that we're not talking I feel so empty, like I lost the light to my days. I believe that he would've been better had I given him that chance, but should I have done that and given up being on my own for a little while? Is that selfish of me?

He says I willingly gave up the opportunity to be with him, and I'm giving him the chance to fall in love with someone else. And even though that hurts me, how can I hold someone back from being happy if I'm not there?

I don't know whether I should keep trying to chug on by myself, or revisit this chapter in my book. My dad, and all my friends say it would be better for us to be apart. Since we're young (I'm 21 and he 23). And of course my friends feel like he's a jerk, but that's because they saw me when he would hurt my feelings and make me cry. They have been saying we should be apart for a while, and I never listened or felt like we needed that time apart until this last breakup. Feelings are always gonna be there since we were together for so long, but it's love that I feel for him. And my heart is so torn between what I should do.

Answer
Dear Coy,

Sometimes love is blind and the fear of the unfamiliar overshadows the right thing to do. DO NOT let this happen. If everyone including your dad who loves you, says your x was a jerk, they see you and him from a perspective you cannot see. Best to heed this advice. Why would you want to continue with a man who doesn't treat you well and respect you too?  You actually want to continue with a man who hurts you and makes you cry?

Please get counseling as to why you would desire something destructive like this in your life to the point that you seek it out over your family's and friend's objections that is it isn't good for you.

If I were you, I would have a public meeting with him (not in a private place and meet there, do not have him pick you up, etc) for coffee and say goodbye. Say that you love him, if you do, but that it isn't a healthy relationship and you seek to find someone who will help you be the best you can be, while helping someone be the best he can be. Thank him for all he has done for you, and then WALK AWAY.

No more contact with your X, go get counseling, and get the answers you need to why you would tolerate a difficult and verbally abusive man.  If you don't this can become a pattern that can ruin your life.  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Sonya Snyder

Expertise

All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

Experience

I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

Education/Credentials
BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.