How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Is it worth it...

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I started dating this girl about a month after a broke up with my wife.  Everything was great, I mean spectacular.  We hit it off so well I didnt even have any regrets about getting divorced or any of the changes in my life.  After about six months it started to slow down and everthing started to bother me.  My confidence was at a all time low and when that happened I knew I was in trouble.  She stayed with me and I didn't realize it at the time but I would have dumped me the same way she did.  The way she did it wasnt right but I understand why she did it after thinking about it.  She didn't want to hurt my feelings so she said I was to good for her and I deserve better and all that bs.  I feel like things were great when I was myself and it was ruined by my insecurities from my divorce.  Right now we don't talk at all. I tried to play the bad boy role to get some confidence back and it backfired.  Our last encounter was horrible and I blame myself. I should have just went no contact and fixed myself but I didn't and screwed it up more.  I've been dating a lot of girls but I always think about her all the time.  I feel like if we were together when I am 100% me and confident things would be amazing.  Any advice would help and I know the best thing to do is just move on but I feel like there will always be a void in my mind about it.  Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi Jeff

When people divorce, it is always a good time to step back for a few months or even a year or more and re evaluate your part in it, and how you got to now.

Without this time for self reflection, people usually dive into a new relationship which passifies the pain of the divorce. They almost always are very intense and absolutely everything they were missing in the marriage, and the divorced partner thinks they are on cloud nine, until  they  and the relationship go horribly south. It is a pattern so set, it is stereotypical.

If I were you, I would take some time and get some divorce counseling, even go through the  Divorce Recovery program at many churches, and HEAL. Meanwhile, because this will take time, meet with her and tell her what you told me, about how you feel and your part in the failure of the relationship.  Ask for her forgiveness, and tell her you are going to take some time to get whole again, but she is important to you.

If there's a chance, she will be there when you are truly healed and ready. Even if not, you will be in a MUCH better place to care for another, when you can care and understand yourself and your motives better.

God Bless!

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder

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All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

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BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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