How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/still in love with my ex

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Hi Sonya my names John and my story is quite the pickle lol. Im 24 years old, with three year old twin girls who i love and adore. I dated their mother for over 12 years. About 9 or 10 months ago we broke up due to differences in our relationship. We remained friends after the breakup, even after i began seeing another woman. Nicole the other woman was amazing we dated for three months and in those three months i was the happiest i've ever been. I loved everything about this woman from her smile,laugh,eyes,the stupid conversations we had at night about random things,her family,her son who i began to treat as if he were my own blood, everything. I thought everything was going great,see we also worked together and everyone at our Job could tell how happy she was now compared to before even her family mentioned how happy she was. I admit she had me ready to ask her hand in marriage after two months, but i didn't want to screw this happiness i had found up by scaring her so i kept quiet about that and bought her a small necklace and a ring to match it as a gift to show her how much i cared for her. When i gave her the Jewelery she was a little shocked, and told me she didn't know how to react because no ones ever treated her so nice before. But she loved them,she showed them off to her friends,family, and before i knew it everyone at work had seen it. I soon knew that i was starting to fall fast for Nicole. We spent almost everyday together after work i even started staying at her house with her, when she was sick and called out from work i made sure to bring her and her son something to eat and drink so she wouldn't have to cook even if it ment being late for work, after work if she needed a massage  i happily gave her one,in the middle of the night if her son woke up i volunteered to put him back to bed, on her birthday when i had to work i came over later that night while she was sleeping laid rose petals from her bed to a circle of rose petals with candles lit around it and played her romantic song and told her how special she was. well i guess i should shorten this up. during the third month of our relationship we started to see less of each other and i was ok with that,I didn't want her to feel smothered. After about 2 weeks she started making excuses almost everyday about why she couldn't see me or why i couldn't stay with her at night, it even got to the point where i felt like she was avoiding me at work. So one day i brought up how i was feeling too her and not even an hour later she text me that  she wanted to break up. She said she needed time to work on herself and her son,it wasn't me it was her,i didn't let her into my life, we could be together one day just not now and all kinds of other excuses.Needless to say after we broke up things turned sour at work we stop talking,our mutual friends were split on who to talk to,things had just gotten pretty bad. When ever we did speak it always turned into an argument. I started to drink  my sorrows away every night and during the day when i was off. I tried atleast three times to apologize to her for whatever i did wrong in our relationship,brought flowers, Even buying an expensive gift for her son on his birthday which she took but didn't even say thank you,instead she wrote thank you from her son on a piece of paper that her friend had to give to me. I found out later from her friend that she thought i was creepy and crazy for trying to get her back after we broke up. So i started to try and move on and act like she didn't matter to me anymore. Here i am 7 months later and back with the mother of my children,but still In love with Nicole. I miss her and think about her daily. I no longer work with her but a former coworker friend informed me that she asked him in a concerned voice how i was doing now. Last i heard about Nicole she was with another woman and was happy. But again i love her so much and think about her daily so how do i move on and get pass these feelings. Or do i try and reach out to her one more time in hopes that maybe she will change her mind. I don't want to hurt the mother of my children but i'am still in love with this Nicole and i have no idea of what to do next.

Answer
John,

People decide who they want to love.

Nicole was a rebound relationship for you from the mother of your children.

Rebounds are powerful times, but rarely last.  Think fantasy, but not reality.

Nichole didn't feel the same as you, and thus ended it.

By becoming a father, you made a commitment deeper than any commitment you could make to a rebound relationship.

I can't help thinking that if you tried to shine 1/2 as brightly with the mother of your children as you did with Nicole, what would happen?

Don't your children deserve a good example of how a man should treat their mother?  

Do the right thing beyond your own desires. Begin to think outside your own wants and find another source to model from. This might be a good start:

http://www.christianbook.com/fathering-like-father-becoming-wants-you/kenneth-ga  

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder

Expertise

All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

Education/Credentials
BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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