How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/break up or not


QUESTION: Hello Sonya. First of all, I would like to thank you for reading my question.

OK, so my situation is complicated. I've been in a long term relationship (14 years) and we have lived together the entire time. For the past few years, I have felt differently about our relationship. I feel I no longer love her. There's reasons of which I want to break it off with her. My girlfriend is not motivated to do anything significant with her life. She is happy working minimum wage. She sometimes has difficulty holding onto a job, and takes me days and days of convincing her to put in an application. I don't necessarily have a great job either, but I'm always looking for advancement opportunities, and I am not shy of putting in applications to further my goals. I feel that her lack of ambitions is what drives us apart. She is completely content on where she is in life. But I feel as though our goals and lifestyles are dividing us.

About 5 weeks ago, I met this girl. We hit it off well. We have been seeing each other quite often. Last night we went out, we kissed, we talked about my current situation. I am having a tough time deciding on what I should do. My religious friend says I should make it work with my girlfriend because that is what the bible and God says, but, how in my heart of hearts, do I stay with someone I don't really love anymore?

Today my girlfriend ask me to help her find a better job. The only reason she is asking me to help her is because she sees how I have become distant. She wants to fix our situation by finding a better job, to make me happy. But it goes much deeper than just finding a new job. Our conversation, over texting each other, de-evolved into me saying we hold each other back. She then asked me why. I told her because she wants kids and marriage, and I do not, therefore I am holding her back. She now claims she doesn't care about marriage and kids. She just wants to make me happy.

Please give me advice on this. I am not sure how I should proceed. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend, but for us to stay together just for the sake of me not hurting her is staying together for the wrong reasons. I'm not sure there is a right reason to stay together either. Thank you for whatever help and advice you can part with.

Jared C.


Let's look at a few things:

To be living with someone more than about 7 years in most states is considered common law marriage.

You have purposely cheated on your girlfriend/wife who has been faithful to you and desires to please you.

You don't like some things about her. No one likes everything about another after the first 90 days....WORK IT OUT, and COMPROMISE - she has to have most of what she wants, too. It's really not ALL ABOUT YOU...

What you are exchanging in women, could be quite a lesson for you - contentment for ambition. Really?

To have a woman who is content is a great gift. I think you may be about to learn the difference between a contented woman and a non-content woman.

To have a woman who desires to please you is a great gift. I think you are about to learn about trying to please someone who is unpleasable.

Perhaps before it is too late to recapture the gifts you already have, you should consider your friend's advice.

A good woman who wants children with you and a loving home, is worth fine jewels.  Most wise men seek their whole lives for such a find.

Be careful -really careful - what you throw away for a glance at a thrill or a person who has another trait that glimmers for you now.

Philippians 4

5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Sonya,thank you for your reply. I realize after reading your reply that it is not what I expected (or perhaps what I wanted to hear). I know that what I have is a blessing and I should embrace it and consider myself lucky to have what I have. But, doesn't love need to be a factor in staying with someone? It has been felt, on both ends, that we have become roommates over the years. She is the only long relationship I have ever had. I met her right after highschool and knew no other lifestyle then the one of which I jumped into. How do I fall in love with her? I find it overly difficult to conjure feelings of love for someone whom I have lost that flame for. I feel tormented and torn (and I'm sure she does too). I did notice, that after our argument yesterday, that she started looking up her ex boyfriend (from high school). I imagine this is to make me jealous, but all I can think is that I am glad she did this. I don't know why. What is wrong with me?

But, I think my question, though, is should we stay together for the sake of staying together? What if, because I do not want children and she eventually does, she finds someone else in her life to give her what she wants?

Thank you again, for your time,

Jared C.

Hi Jared

Her looking up her old boyfriend to make you jealous, makes you feel good in a perverse way, because it assuages some of your guilt with the other woman ("she's doing it too, I'm not so bad").  But you are putting something in motion you may really regret.

Romantic "fall in Love" feelings are always fleeting, heady and fun, but do not last, no matter WHAT the movies and radio songs say. TRUE LOVE is a choice - a commitment to act in love even when you don't feel it. You have lived with this woman 14 years - She has proven to be trustworthy and loving to you. That is priceless gold..... Return the love and build on it, or throw it away and take your chances on a new option, but don't think every option doesn't also has its own set of choices and challenges and other issues. No one and nothing is perfect except God. He says we are to love like He does..... He loves imperfect sinful humans as if they were His own son....

The only form of love that lives throughout all time is Charity - it is a selfless God-love, given without merit to those unworthy of it, and it is an all-saving, unconditional love. You must decide to submit to giving this kind of love to others,  if you ever want to receive it back:

1 Corinthians 13 King James Version (KJV)

13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

King James Version (KJV)

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Sonya Snyder


All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.


I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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